I shared some photos included in that post below: Beautiful beaches, amazing scenery, delicious seafood, island hopping, ziplining and more.
We’ve always dreamed about exploring the world with T and we look forward to taking him to visit Asia one day. It gives us hope to think about traveling again one day post pandemic!
PS. If you’re looking for another excellent travel blog, I really enjoy Wandering Canadians, which has provided a wonderful way to explore the beauty of our local provincial parks in Ontario.
The Chocolate Hills in BoholThe White Beach in BoracayThe deck we sat at for breakfast overlooking the water at the small cottage resort in BoholI still dream about the curry crab and shrimp dinner.Ziplining Superman style in CDOBlue starfish found while snorkellingSeafood cooked fresh at the market after you buy it
“There needs to be a lot more emphasis on what a child can do instead of what they cannot do.”
I saw this quote shared recently on Twitter by Surrey Place, the wonderful agency that has been supporting T since he was 1.5.
I reflected on this quote by Autism spokesperson and advocate Temple Grandin this past week as we’ve had a particularly hard week with T.
His behaviour felt out of control. Simple tasks like getting his teeth brushed , getting him dressed after his shower and winding down for bed all felt so draining.
His daily school log seemed less positive, with lots of instances of him getting into peers’ personal space or being restless and not sitting still when he’s supposed to.
Other than irritation at T’s behaviour, I was not bothered by the last week.
We’ve been down this road before and I know sunnier days are on their way. Just have to ride it out, learn from these moments, and move on.
Raising T – a child with great potential but challenging needs – may seem like a dance of two steps forward, three steps back.
But if anything that the last year has taught me, it’s that we gotta stop focusing on the downside. When you’re looking down, you often don’t see the path ahead of you.
And there’s nothing wrong with taking a step back. Sometimes, taking a larger step back allows one to take stock of everything that they’ve done and the road they’ve travelled.
I don’t care about perfection or being the best. What I care about when it comes to T – and to myself too – are the incremental gains.
Every day, I pray that he grows a little more each day – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I believe every child has a potential and that every child has their own journey. The yard stick we should measure them against is not with another child, but with themselves.
And it’s the hubby and my job to guide him towards his potential in life.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflection around potential, because another year is wrapping up and this dumpster fire of a year will soon be behind us. Thank Christ.
It’s also been a year since I started this blog. It’s become a wonderful hobby and therapy and to do my part to raise awareness.
Thank you to you for following along and to those who take time to comment and to share your journey and/or words of encouragement.
To those of you following along more quietly, the support has also been very encouraging!
I recently went into my office, the first time since lockdown began in March.
A package had been left on my desk. It was a parcel from a former supervisor, now retired.
She gave me a Slap-On Sanitizer, an invention by her son that gives kids a pragmatic way to carry and easily use hand sanitizer during these germy times.
Along with this gift was a handwritten letter sharing with me that her son, like T, had been kicked out of his school at a young age and he ended up doing fine, even inventing a product.
I really appreciated hearing that wonderful story and it reminds me that while I don’t know what the future holds for T, there is always reason to focus on potential and on the bright side.
The hubby and I took out T’s baby book a few Saturdays ago. We were feeling nostalgic. For the first time, we shared its contents with T.
Contained in this scrapbook are photos and letters from T’s first 14 months of life, before he moved in with the hubby and I and became part of our forever family.
The book was lovingly put together by T’s foster mother, who had been with T since his second month of life.
The hubby and I treasure this book so much, because it provides us with a link to the moments in T’s life that we were not a part of.
When we first open the book, we see a lovely letter T’s foster mother typed up that described T’s early days – details about his birth mother and how T came into the care of his foster family.
Throughout the book, there are wonderful photos of T in his early moments of life.
I love the photos of T with his foster parents, foster brother and foster siblings, because it makes me happy to remember that he had a happy, loving and stable life before he came into ours.
I treasure the photos of his firsts: Easter, Halloween, Christmas and letter from Santa; first smile at 2 months, first time sitting at 4 months, first time pulling himself to a stand at 11 months.
We still keep in touch with the foster family, because it’s important to us that T has a complete sense of self. We last saw them back in February – before the pandemic lockdown – to celebrate T’s 5th birthday.
Since T was three years old, I started incorporating a simplified version of T’s adoption story into our bedtime story routine called “The T Story.”
This year, T started to ask deeper questions about this story and so I used the word “adoption” for the first time and told him that he was adopted by the hubby and I.
Then he started to ask more questions about his foster family, about why we adopted him, about whether or not he was going to go back to his foster family.
I think it’s wonderful that he is asking these smart and thoughtful questions. It means he is ready to have these conversations.
It doesn’t always feel comfortable to answer his questions. But the hubby and I always keep it real and age appropriate with him.
I can tell that T is processing these tidbits – these puzzle pieces that form his big picture of himself.
That’s why we shared the scrapbook with him for the first time a few weeks ago.
It warmed my heart watching him look at the pictures and to see that he was so loved from the beginning of his life.
On the second page is the only picture that we have of his birth mother. The hubby was open and honest that this was his mom.
We noticed that T was very quiet. He did not react or say anything until he moved onto the other photos in the book of himself and his foster family.
I’m sure his mind was processing what it all meant.
It is a story to talk to him about on another day when he is ready.
I’m grateful to work from home during the pandemic, because I can stand on the steps every morning and wave to T as the hubby drives him to school.
As I watch the car disappear down the street, I say a silent prayer. I ask for T to have a positive day that includes incremental growth, learning, friendship and happiness.
Most days are good. Some days are great. And some are not as great, even disastrous.
It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a year since I started this blog.
One thing that motivated me to start this blog was this time last year, our school board cancelled the specialized kindergarten program, of which T was around one of the 25 or so kids in 7 classrooms across the city that benefitted from the early intervention supports provided on social behaviour so that kids could be better prepared for grade school.
I wanted to do my part to advocate for T and for children like T – in an anonymous way that honours his privacy.
When you are a parent – special needs or not – you are so mired in the daily mineutia, the weeds of the trenches, that you often forget to step back and look at the big picture.
As I sit here at our dining room table sipping my morning coffee and watching T play with Balloon Santa, I see a tremendous growth in him compared to this time a year ago.
His language skills are great. I love that he and I can have fun and deep conversations and that he asks me hard questions.
The hubby and I see his pre-reading and pre-math skills emerging. His child and youth worker recently told us that he is above average in his class with reading and math.
While he still struggles with hyperactivity and focus, with the combined help of his child and youth worker, using behavioral modification strategies, and starting medication this summer, he’s come such a long way with being able to sit still and focus on a task.
While getting him to comply with daily routines can still be a patience-sapping challenge, there are far less meltdowns.
I try to be honest when I shared the ups and downs of raising a child with great potential and challenging needs.
Often times, this may give the impression that T is all problems and challenges.
I would say that life with our T is mostly 80% great and 20% very hard. I would consider that a good ratio!
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned this past year is to celebrate every incremental success together.
About a week ago, the hubby received an excited call from T’s child and youth worker. She told him that T had his best day ever at school.
Every night, when T and I come from daycare, the hubby is standing in the foyer with his arms open and a smile on his face as the door swings open. T runs to the hubby and gives him a big hug.
That evening, T got an extra long and tight hug.
We read – as we do daily – her daily report in T’s school log out to T.
“This was the best work I have ever seen T do! He was very focused and did not scribble all over the page! Great work T!” She wrote. “T did an excellent job reading today. He went over to the teacher without any complaint! Great job!”
The hubby finished reading and T had a proud and self-satisfied smile on his face.
Without skipping a beat, he asked, “Are you going to tell Santa?”
I told her without hesitation, “No. T is the best thing that’s happened to the hubby and I.”
And I meant it. Sure, he has challenging moments – almost on a daily basis – but there is so much love and joy we get back in return.
The question made me pause because it seemed so inappropriate.
But I didn’t make a fuss, because I know my aunt loves T. Her frankness is just part of age and the Asian bluntness.
Then I told my aunt T has recently developed a wonderful friendship with a 7-year-old boy and they’ve been playing together every day after daycare in the playground.
Surprised, she asked, “Is there something wrong with the boy too? Or is he normal?”
Again, if it wasn’t for me being used to Asian bluntness, I would’ve called out the inappropriate comment. I simply replied he seemed normal and added, “By the way, T is a normal child.”
Like, what does normal even mean?!
The conversation reminded me about the challenges that parents often have with helping their families understand the reality of raising a child with special needs.
First off, the hubby and I are very blessed to have families that love T. They may not fully understand the reality of raising a child with great potential but a prognosis of at-risk FASD but the love is undoubtable.
The hubby and I are very honest about T’s challenges. We don’t hide or sugarcoat things.
One area that was challenging in the beginning was making family members understand his challenging behaviour is a result of a brain-based disorder and not because he is a bad kid and that traditional types of discipline do not work.
I can’t count the number of times when our parents or uncles and aunts have tried to discipline or call T out for his behaviour.
One time another aunt tried to lecture T when he was having a meltdown and hit her. She later sent me an email saying that we needed to be on top of T’s behaviour or it’s going to get worse. She even bought me a book on parenting!
I responded in a lengthy email explaining T’s prognosis, explained the strategies we use – including riding out a meltdown instead of throwing fuel in the fire – and asked her to take our lead in the future.
My aunt is well intentioned and has raised a daughter with Down syndrome. So she understands special needs. What helped was giving her more information about T’s specific prognosis and once she understood more about it, she now takes our lead.
It’s important to set boundaries with family.
I am always grateful for the love that our family provides T, but the hubby and I are clear that we are T’s parents, so leave the parenting to us.
We tune out unsolicited parenting advice, parenting articles, and yes, parenting books too!
We focus our efforts instead on educating family – and friends, colleagues, school staff and others – about his needs and challenges.
We keep it real, because that’s important.
We also try to challenge stereotypes and labels about “special needs.”
T is a bright, funny and caring child. He has a tremendous spirit for adventure and he’s had many amazing life experiences already.
So many positives to celebrate. I want to remind people – not just family – to focus on these while keeping a proactive eye on the areas of need.
So when I think back to my recent conversation with my aunt, it reminds me that educating family is an important part of being the parent of a child with special needs.
These conversations may be tricky and sometimes cringe-worthy awkward, but they are worth the investment in time.
We also unboxed our 8 feet tall balloon Santa, who had hibernated in our basement.
To say T was excited was an understatement. He had been missing Balloon Santa all year.
This past week, he wrestled with Santa and every day before he left for school, he hugged and kissed Santa and told him, “I love you, Santa.”
The hubby also wrapped white Christmas lights around our front yard trees, pictured at the top.
I normally find Christmas music so irksome, but it’s been so soothing this year. Give me Mariah on repeat for the next 12 months!
Our province is entering a modified lockdown at midnight tonight. We are all feeling weary of this unending pandemic. So all the seasonal cheer and light we could get, we will take it!
We got ourfirst snowfall today.
As with any snowfall that’s over 1 cm thick – it was about 15 cm today – the media start to panic.
It started to come down as T and I were having breakfast. He excitedly went to look outside.
An hour later, with snowsuits on, we ventured outside for a walk. It was so beautiful outside.
An elderly man whom I see regularly outside commented that T is always out.
I told him that I like T to get outside. I want him to be a four-season kid with Canadian grit.
We went back inside to eat lunch after and then went back out again, this time with his sled.
I love watching T have fun. He was in his element rolling around in the snow.
In addition to sledding down the hill, T loves to ride his sled down the metal slide in the playground. Cuz why not?
On cold days like today, soothing soup is what the soul calls for.
So I made this Hong Kong style borscht soup that I’ve been wanting to make for ages.
Lots of chopping but cooking helps calm and centre me. Prep aside, it was very easy to make and so delicious. Will definitely make this again!
To keep the theme going, I made Hong Kong cafe style toast with condensed milk for dessert. No picture but trust me when I say that everything tastes great with tons of condensed milk drizzled on top!
Wherever you are visiting my blog from, I wish you much cheer and light over the coming weeks. We still have a long road ahead with this pandemic, so however you are getting through these times, please take care and stay well!
During a daycare pickup this week, the staff told me T threw a toy at a boy and caused a bump on his head.
They said the parents were upset, because it’s not the first time T and this boy have had issues.
I told the staff the hubby and I will speak with T because we take responsibility for his behaviour.
Our routine is to play in the playground after pickup. Recently, there is a 7 year old boy who T has hit it off with and his dad brings him to play with T every day.
As T and I were walking to the playground, I am stopped by a man who was visibly upset. He pointed to T, who was running towards his friend.
“Is that your son?” He asked. Judging by the tone of his voice and the rage on his face, I figured out this was the angry parent.
I confirmed I was T’s dad.
He then dialed a number on his phone. A woman’s voice came on. It was his wife, who spoke in English because her Chinese husband was not fluent.
She was audibly upset and reiterated the situation that had happened.
I said I was sorry that T did that and I’ve already spoken to him about it and would speak with him again that night.
The mom said this was not the first time our kids have had an issue.
I told them that I couldn’t comment because I was not aware of the history.
“So this is the first time you’re hearing about this?” They asked, implying the daycare staff were not addressing T’s behaviour with me.
I explained that daycare staff bring up incidents but they do not mention specific names – like their son – out of privacy.
The dad was shooting eye daggers at me. It was incredibly uncomfortable.
But all I could do was reiterate I am sorry, that I take responsibility for T’s actions and that I’ve already spoken with him about it.
But they were not getting the answer they wanted. They were wanting me to agree with their implication that T was a bad child and a bully.
And frankly, I was not going there, because it was not true.
And I stood up for T. I told them that while I acknowledge that what T did was wrong, I also want them to know T is not a bad kid.
Then I apologized that I had to leave to be with my son and I politely walked away.
That incident really bothered me. I was so upset about it – for multiple reasons.
I was upset that it happened. It was a reminder that despite the many gains we’ve made, T is a work in progress.
I was upset that I had to be yelled at by two angry parents for very valid reasons and for actions that T made.
I was upset because it was another parental complaint we’ve had to deal with this year.
During the car ride home, I spoke about it with T again.
I asked him how he thought the incident made his classmate at daycare feel. He was silent. That to me tells me he was remorseful and guilty.
The daycare staff did say he felt genuinely remorseful.
This was certainly not the first time a parent had complained about T and his behaviour.
But this was the first time I’ve had an actual confrontation with an angry parent and it was incredibly uncomfortable.
On one hand, I empathize and take responsibility for T’s actions and I was genuine when I described to them the steps I would take to teach T about what he did.
On the other hand, I have to continue to be T’s advocate. These parents – at no fault of their own – have no idea about the additional challenges T has to deal with on a daily basis nor do they realize the tremendous, I repeat, tremendous gains he has made this school year with social interaction and behaviour.
I don’t expect them to care. I expect any parent – as I do – to focus on their child and their best interests.
So I get their anger.
But I am not going to go overboard with my apologies, nor throw T under the bus.
I’ve apologized for his actions and I’ve committed to speaking with him about it and to do my part to teach him to do better. And I will continue to do so in the future, because there will be more of these incidents.
But that is where I draw the line. I will continue to focus my energies on the bigger picture and the journey ahead.
I’m not looking to win a Parent of the Year Award but I most certainly am laser focused on being the best parent and advocate, along with the hubby, for T.
Five years ago, the hubby and I visited South America. Our last trip before T entered our lives included a stop at breathtaking Peru.
We visited a salt mine in Cusco and purchased a small bag of Peruvian “gourmet salt” as a souvenir. I finally opened it last night and seasoned the steak with it.
Rounding off the sides were Honey and Chipotle Corn…
… and Roasted Ruby Potatoes, Garlic and Rosemary.
And as requested by the Hubby, we had a Dairy Queen ice cream cake for dessert.
T sang “Happy birthday” with great enthusiasm and told the hubby, “You’re a good man, dad.”
We get these truly pure and genuine moments from time to time. I tattoo every one of them into my memory and heart.
We threw caution to the wind and let T have four slices of cake.
As I washed the dishes, T’s cheerful disposition turned into a screeching fit.
Despite several warnings, T stuck his finger into an empty soda can the hubby had drank and he cut his finger as he pulled it out.
Cue meltdown as the hubby took him to the washroom to clean the wound and apply alcohol.
As I lathered the dishes, I thought to myself that there is no sound more soothing than the wails of a repentant child.
T was back to normal soon enough and the two of us went for a night walk around the block. He wanted to look at the blow up Christmas train and elves a neighbour set up in his festive lawn.
As we walked, T stayed close to me, carefully on guard for “vampires, zombies, ghosts, goblins and the monsters with toilet paper on them.”
The hubby’s birthday is today.
After breakfast, T excitedly asked if we could decorate the house for Daddy. I happily obliged.
T is often focused on himself – as any child his age would be – and it’s important for the hubby and I to teach him to do good things for others.
We found leftover decorations in our basement from T’s birthday two years ago.
We blew up the 10 or so balloons we had. Then put up red streamers all over our family room. In Chinese culture, red symbolizes good luck.
T looked at the hanging streamers and said, “Looks like cobwebs on the ceiling!” It wasn’t the ambience I was going for, but T said he loved it.
Afterwards, T and I worked together to make a birthday card for Daddy.
I asked him to pick the colour – green – and to glue the white paper on top to write a message on and to fold the paper in half.
He helped write Happy Birthday Daddy, albeit backwards.
I asked him to draw anything he wanted inside. So he drew hearts – with legs and mouths – and a dinosaur along with Daddy, Papa and T.
His handwriting and drawing – fine motor skills in general – need work but these are wonderful gifts that come from the heart, even if they look like Pac-Man. And that’s all that matters!
The hubby finally woke up after Noon and T gave him his card.
T then asked his Daddy to go the Family Room. He held his Daddy’s hand and asked him to close his eyes. When we got there, he told him to open his eyes and shouted, “Surprise!”
Seeing his Daddy so happy made T happy.
I told T, “You did something very nice to make someone else happy, T. Good job!”
During the cold, torrential downpour and windy afternoon, T and Daddy put up the Christmas tree.
And so it begins.
For his actual birthday, I had planned to make this scallop recipe from the wonderful “In Diane’s Kitchen.” But I blew my budget on the steak. So I joked he was getting scallop potatoes instead!
So I made one of his fave meals instead: an Indian dish called Chicken Masala.
Shan has a great Chicken Masala spice mix that makes it easy to cook this dish. Just add chicken, onions, ginger, yogurt (I used Greek) and oil.
I normally use boneless chicken breast but we only had chicken thighs.
I love cooking with thighs, because I find the bone and skin add great flavor but the hubby hates bony meat so I had to debone it. The things you do for someone’s birthday!
Pretentious plating cuz it’s a birthday dinner.
Celebrating the hubby’s milestone birthday in a pandemic is not what we imagined.
A year ago, we daydreamed about a destination celebration. But the family time at home – and being healthy, safe and together – ended up being perfect! I wouldn’t have it any other way.
When the hubby and I met at 23, we never expected we’d see the day we turned 40. Even 30 at the time seemed ancient.
But here we are.
Thank you to the hubby for being my best friend, a great daddy to T and a wonderful person.
This past year has been exceptionally challenging and there were many tense and stressful moments. I know that T, the hubby and I wouldn’t have gotten through it without each other.
It looks like we’re headed for another lockdown. As painful as I know it will be, I know we will get through it together.
And I look forward to the adventures the 40s bring us!
During bedtime two weeks ago, T asked me, “Papa, are you old?”
“I’m older than you. Why do you ask?” I replied.
“When you get old, will you die?” He asked.
I was caught so off guard. My gut reaction was, “Are you kidding me? It’s past your bedtime. I am so tired. And I just want to go to bed.”
But of course, I did not say that. I paused and collected my thoughts.
“Why do you ask?” I asked. I was concerned. It seemed like such a dark and heavy topic for our usual happy-go-lucky boy.
I tried to remember if he had watched something on TV and I wondered if he may have heard a story from school that upset him.
“Are you gonna die when you get old?” He asked again.
I am a straightforward person – sometimes too direct – and I believe that it’s important to be honest with T and to normalize difficult subject topics, like death.
But I will say that I struggled with this answer. “We’re all going to die one day. But life has a beginning, middle and an end.”
“What happens when you die? Will I die one day too?” T asked.
“We all die one day,” I said and repeated that life has a beginning, middle and an end.
“Will I die soon?” He asked.
“I hope not!” I said. “You’re a young boy. You have a long life ahead of you.”
“I don’t want Papa and Daddy to die. Or I’m going to be alone,” he said and then started to cry.
I was able to reassure him that we are going to be here for a while and that he has nothing to worry about. I can’t guarantee that obviously, but let’s be positive here! But he fell asleep peacefully.
I was bummed after the chat – not only because it was such a dark topic, but I wish I could’ve answered his questions better.
I texted a good friend who has two young girls and she said, “Oh my God, I fucking hate the death talk!” I had quite the laugh and felt better about my own reaction.
So I read up about how to have this difficult conversation with kids, including this insightful Fatherly.com article, and I spoke about it with the wonderful child psychologist who has been supporting our family the last two years.
I kept these useful tips in mind for the subsequent times T brought up the topic – thankfully not too often since!
Be truthful and factual – When T asked me again why people die, I reiterated that life has a beginning, middle and an end and that death is a normal part of life. Things in nature like plants and animals also die. The best advice I read was to keep it factual when asked what happens when you die: “Your heart stops.”
Avoid euphemisms – Don’t say things like “You go to sleep forever” because kids will develop a fear of falling asleep. I will admit I laughed when I read that. Also avoid saying things like “They go away to a better place” because the child may think they’ve been abandoned.
Only answer what they ask – Our child psychologist says this is a heavy topic and is a lot for a child to process, so keep the response to what they ask and need to know.
Tell them you plan to be around for a long time – When T asked me again if I’m old and if I will die soon, I told him that I’m older than him but I am still young and that the hubby and I plan to live until we are 100. T knows that is a big number and I could tell that he felt comforted.
Didn’t use religious symbols – I know many families use religious symbolism as a means of comforting children (e.g. Grandpa is now in heaven). Religion is something we are not introducing to T at this point. But it’s certainly something that can help comfort children and I respect that.
Now that I’ve had distance and reflection about this, I feel better. I’m not overly concerned at this point that T has brought up this topic. It seems like an age appropriate thing to ask.
In some strange way, I find it interesting that T is thinking about such deeper topics. It shows me that things are moving and maturing in that little head of his.
Hopefully this topic doesn’t consume too much of his thoughts. And if it does, we’re ready to hear him out and to respond in a way that hopefully reframes it in a positive and reassuring way.
We first checked out the marina and the very cool houseboats. I can only imagine how calming it must be to live not just live by the the water but on it too!
Then we made our way to the beach.
As we walked, the hubby reminded me that the last outing we did before T came into our lives was a Spring hike on a Saturday afternoon in April 2016 at the Bluffs.
Little did we know that four days later, we would get an unexpected call from our social worker that we had been matched with T!
T is always in his element in nature, because it is wide open and he can run and be carefree.
Sand? Lots and lots of sand? Even better!
It was nice watching the hubby and T have fun together.
It’s always fun to let T and his curiosity lead the way.
On the walk back to the car, the hubby spotted a big floating dead fish. So naturally, T wanted to take a closer look and throw rocks at it.
It was almost 5 pm when we got to the car and the sun was setting.
We were all starving and the hubby and I were craving Taco Bell.
T, who is a stubbornly fussy eater, said he wanted to try a soft chicken taco. He had never expressed any interest in tacos before, so we quickly jumped at the opportunity.
And he loved it! So it’s now something we can add to the handful of things he will eat! Fast food be damned, there’s meat and vegetables in the taco, so more tacos are in his future!
We enjoyed the tacos with a gorgeous cotton candy sunset outside our dining room window.
Earlier this Sunday morning, T and I went back for more nature fun at the Bluffs.
We both got up fairly early and after breakfast, he said he wanted to go back.
The weather was so beautiful and felt so fleeting that I didn’t second guess my impulse to jump on the offer, as tired and unwashed as I was!
T found an abandoned dig site at the beach and quickly claimed it as his own.
And he dug and dug and dug.
As a kid with sensory seeking behaviour, this was a type of calming activity he thrives in and enjoys.
I switched back and forth from watching him and blankly staring down the long path of the beach and enjoying the soothing sound of the water.
After an hour, he got bored and we walked the winding path of the beach’s edge, skirting the water coming and in out of the beach.
On the way back, we took the narrow and wooded path away from the water.
I had never explored this path before and only stumbled upon it by accident today, because I had to take T to pee in the bushes.
I was sure glad we found it as it gave another perspective on this beautiful place.
As always, I let T lead the way. He wanted to follow a small creek because he was curious where the water originated from.
We kept walking down the path and discovered wonderful close up views of the jagged Bluffs and cliffs.
T kept himself entertained with natural artifacts he found and picked up along the path.
Nature is a go-to place for me to recharge.
Things always feel calmer, clearer and more collected after time spent outdoors with sun, sand and water. And today was no different.
I’m glad we can continue to share this love with T and the hubby and I hope that it will be a way for T to recharge himself as he gets older.
Summers fly, winters walk.
I’m thankful we got to enjoy this last burst of summer.
While we are always wanting more of it, this weekend was a nice way to celebrate if this was indeed the last of this weather for the year.
Last Friday, we were notified by T’s child and youth worker that a parent had complained to the teacher, specifically about T not giving a classmate personal space.
It bummed me out, as I recalled unpleasant memories of T’s Montessori pre-school and when the board booted him out after a parent complained about his behaviour to the owner.
Thankfully, things are different at his new school – a public school – because we have a wonderful team of advocates, including his principal, teachers and child and youth worker.
Part of this support includes the development and implementation of an Individualized Education Plan (IEP).
As described by our school board, an IEP is “a written plan that describes special education programs and/or services for a student. It is based on a student’s profile of strengths and needs.”
According to the US Department of Education, “the IEP creates an opportunity for teachers, parents, school administrators, related services personnel, and students (when appropriate) to work together to improve educational results for children with disabilities.”
The school offered us the option to participate in the development of the IEP and we gladly accepted. The school asked who else we wanted to be consulted and we asked for T’s behavioural therapist to be included, because she has valuable insights from working with T.
During the consultation with T’s teacher, child and youth worker, and principal, we talked about T’s strengths, areas of needs and our goals for him.
We identified the following as T’s strengths:
Visual learner
Hands-On learner
Independence on preferred tasks
Gross motor skills
Rote learner
Motivation through special interests
We identified the following as T’s areas of need:
Behaviour management
Self regulation
Transitions
Social skills
Communication
Attention and focus
Fine motor skills
We conveyed our goals in two broad categories:
Academic – e.g. building pre-reading, pre-math, handwriting skills
Social – As outlined in the list of areas of need above
T’s teacher provided us the draft IEP for review end of last week and it nicely captured what we discussed.
An IEP also outlines the school’s goals for T, along with the teaching strategies and their assessment method to gauge T’s progress.
I like that each goal is realistic and measurable. For example, “T will improve his ability to follow class rules without adult support at least 60% of the time.”
We were pleased with the IEP and signed off on it. We look forward to checking in on T’s progress with his teacher throughout the year.
I’ve read stories of special needs parents who have found it to be a struggle to get an IEP or for it to be developed and implemented.
So we consider ourselves to be blessed to have amazing people on Team T, as we affectionately refer to them as.
We are also thankful for T’s amazing child and youth worker.
We only have her support this year, so we hope for T to get as much mileage from her one-on-one support as possible. And we are already seeing a difference and growth in him.
She uses a daily log book to document and to provide us with updates on T’s progress.
She lists three daily goals for T and she reports how he does with them; a check mark for when he meets these goals at the various daily activities and an X for when he doesn’t meet them.
The hubby and I appreciate her concise, clear and honest feedback. I like that she doesn’t downplay T’s challenging moments, as it doesn’t do anyone, especially T, any good.
What we feel especially thankful for is that she is a champion for T. She addresses his challenging behaviour, but she also celebrates his daily victories and she sees the big picture – which is all about the incremental gains.
When we reached out to her about the parent who complained to T, she was reassuring in her response and kept us focused on the larger picture. Really, we couldn’t ask for more.
If it’s anything the last few years of school has taught us is that it will be a winding road with T.
But we remind ourselves that we are covering new ground every day – no matter how incremental – and leaving a paved road of lessons learned and mostly positive memories behind us.
There is always a reason to stay the course and look ahead with optimism.
And with T’s IEP, we have an additional tool – a roadmap – for the school year ahead.
Halloween is very different this year but we wanted to make sure we celebrated one of T’s favourite days.
So we created a surprise Sugary Scavenger Hunt around the house, including turning our family room into a haunted surprise.
The fake cobwebs and spiders blended in nicely with the real ones!
As soon as it turned dark outside, we began our hunt.
Chocolates and candy were placed all over the house and T had a flashlight in one hand and a bucket in the other as he explored the house with the hubby and I.
On a regular day, our 50+ year old fixer upper home looks like someone got murdered in it. So it wasn’t hard to make it spooky for Halloween. I mean, missing kitchen cupboard doors, hello!
Our wonderful neighbour gifted T a basket of treats which we put as the final surprise – next to a spooky white lady skull with glowing red eyes – in our basement crawl space.
T bravely – kinda – crawled under to retrieve his bounty.
T knew something was up all day because we were working on it but he didn’t know the details other than he had to wait until it got dark outside.
I took him for a late afternoon walk so the hubby could finish the final details of our surprise.
After the scavenger hunt, T told us in the most heartfelt way, “Thank you for decorating the house. I really appreciated it. I love Halloween.”
And he gave us both a big long hug and told us, “I love my parents.”
It was one of the rare handful of times that he expressed such a genuine and so well articulated outpouring of love.
And it was honestly all the sugary sweetness we needed to hear during these trying times!
In more recent weeks, since school started, other faces have come into the mix.
One regular group is a mother and her two boys, aged 7 and 5. The younger boy is T’s age but is a fair bit shorter. The older boy, as the mother was quick to share, is autistic.
T and the younger boy have come to play very well together. I enjoy watching them chase each other and laugh together.
I get amused when they get annoyed at each other for not sharing the rocking horse. Or when the boy hits T. To be frank, it’s nice to see T get a dose of his medicine!
While T and the boy play, the older brother is off on his own exploring the park. The mother and I take the time to chat.
I’ve been forthcoming about T’s special needs, about his at-risk FASD prognosis. I’m also open about his adoption. In turn, the mother shares her own challenges and learnings with raising a boy with autism.
Going for a walk at the Port Union Waterfront this past weekend.
There have also been other special needs parents in the playground – although I’ve only seen them all once so far.
A few weeks ago, T was playing with the older kids when two other older siblings – Grades 1 and 3 – asked to join them.
As they played, I sat on a park bench and started to chat up these siblings’ mother.
She was quick to point out that both her children have learning disabilities. I, in turn, shared T’s story. She then said that she adopted both children and is a single mom and that she also thinks her kids may have FASD although the birth mother denied drinking during pregnancy.
It was at that moment that I remember a conversation with the school principal when we were registering T for the after school program.
I asked the principal if he had any experience with kids with FASD and he spoke about a sibling pair.
I had no doubt that I was speaking with the mother of said sibling pair.
It was so refreshing to talk openly with another parent who understands the nuance and the complexity of your own parenting experience.
She spoke about her children’s difficulties with school, her experience with medicating her two children, and her challenges as a single parent.
It was sobering to hear her story, because it made me realize that while the hubby and I had our challenges, we have it fairly good in comparison.
That was the first and only time that I saw that mother. I hope to see her again one day.
Going for a walk at the Port Union Waterfront this past weekend.
Speaking with these two mothers made me realize one common characteristic of special needs parents – and I see this in myself – how quick we are to explain our children’s behaviour to others, almost as if we feel self conscious or need to rationalize them.
I observed this in another young couple I saw at the playground about three weeks ago.
They were with their two young toddler boys. T was circling around the older one, making his dinosaur noises, and the boy started shouting loud noises back at T.
I laughed and told T, “Don’t make such loud noises. You’re going to scare the boy.”
Then the dad said with a laugh, “My son also has autism.”
That comment kind of caught me off guard but I appreciated his candor. I didn’t react or try to correct his assumption about T but just went along with it.
I shared these stories with the mother of two boys who I see regularly.
I joked that the playground is almost like an unofficial special needs parents conference and she said all of us parents are just trying to burn our children’s energy before bedtime.
And she has a point!
This past Thursday, we had an unexpected visitor at the playground: a beautiful fox.
All the kids got excited and started chasing this poor fox.
I had to be the boring parent and run interference when they cornered it and started stepping closer to the wild animal.
All the commotion and running was not for naught: T passed out fairly quickly that evening!
The days are getting shorter and I think even more about wellness as we look ahead to the pandemic winter ahead.
A recent poll reported that 1 in 4 Canadians reported their mental health is worse now than in the first wave of the pandemic.
One thing I’ve missed a lot during this pandemic is the gym. It was my go-to wellness activity and I went 2-3 times a week during my lunch break.
But alas, if it’s anything the pandemic has taught us, it’s that we must do our best to adapt.
I always say that I‘m no good to anyone – my spouse, colleagues and most especially, our dear T – if I‘m not as close to my 100% as possible.
So I always make time for my personal wellbeing as this is so important, but often a challenge, to do as a special needs parent.
Here are a few ways I am making time and space for fitness and wellness during this pandemic.
Beautiful fall colours during a recent walk.
Daily walks with hubby
The hubby and I are in a very privileged spot to get to work from home. It’s not without challenges, but we’re grateful to be employed.
When T went back to school, the hubby and I started walking breaks from work. We use this time to explore new parts of the neighbourhood while dreaming about the future.
Afterschool Playtime
T would love to explore this train bridge area at Highland Creek Trail.
One of my favourite times of the day – other than when T is in bed – is picking him up from daycare.
We spend an hour at the playground. It’s one of my happy times. It helps me unwind from work and helps T burn off his excess energy.
Running around after him certainly gives me good cardio!
Investing in Home Gym Gear
This door is going to fall down on my face one day.
I regret pitching my dumbbells when we moved. It’s impossible to find them now and they cost a fortune in the resale market.
I recently invested in these high quality and still economical resistance band set from HomeProGym. They will never replace the gym but they are giving me a more-than-decent resistance training fix while gyms are closed.
Nature Walks
Highland Creek Trail. So pretty.
Going for outdoor and nature hikes with T is one of my favourite things to do.
I also make time to go on walks by myself, even just around the block. It helps me clear my head.
The pandemic has motivated me to explore local trails. The photos throughout this post were from a solitary walk last week to explore the scenic and calming Port Union Waterfront and Highland Creek trails in Toronto.
Eat Well
A scenic spot at Port Union Waterfront where I enjoyed a cheese danish.
Like most people, I’ve put on the COVID-19. It’s hard to keep the weight off when you’re eating 8 meals and 10 snacks a day working at home.
But generally, the hubby, T and I eat nutritious and balanced meals and also ensure we get additional vitamins and supplements as needed.
We really want T – who is a fussy eater (that’s another post) – to develop good eating habits.
Sleep Lots
A dreamy spot at Port Union Waterfront.
I strive for 8-9 hours of sleep a night and I am thankful I mostly get that.
I know as a special needs parent, this is often the exception rather than the norm!
And complex problems seemingly become less complicated after a good night sleep!
Disconnect
Walking and hopping along the rocky perimeter of Port Union Waterfront.
I keep up with the news so that I am informed but I avoid “doom scrolling” and obsessively reading up on the pandemic.
I like to focus on things I can control and try not to expend energy on things beyond my control.
I know these are challenging times. I really consider my family so blessed in the grand scheme. So I focus on this as I help T continue to develop and grow during this pandemic.
What are your strategies for fitness and wellness during lockdown? Whatever you are doing, stay well and take good care!
Creating hands-on learning tools, restocking supplies and reconfiguring our kindergartner’s learning space were things I prepared for a potential return to lockdown homeschooling.
COVID cases are at a record high. Our government wants to keep schools open but we are aware that another lockdown is a possibility.
T has already spent seven days at home in October and it caught the hubby and I off guard.
I don’t like being unprepared, so I spent the past rainy Thursday inside at home prepping for another homeschooling in lockdown scenario.
I thought about what the hubby and I learned from our 4-month experience in Spring, about our goals for T, and about what we anticipate would be T’s areas of greatest need.
Reconfiguring the Learning and Play Spaces
The dining room is our command centre, where the hubby and I work and where T is set up to learn.
You can imagine what a zoo it can be.
On Thursday, the hubby and I moved our cabinet from storage next to our dining table.
This will allow us to keep the table tidy. We learned from Spring that if a space is cluttered, it reduces T’s ability to focus on the task at hand.
We kept the wall to display T’s completed work up in our living room. He takes pride in seeing his work on the wall so we didn’t take it down this summer in case we needed it again this year.
We are not bothering to furnish the living room until we renovate the main floor, hopefully next summer.
In the meantime, the space is a blank canvas for T to play in and for us to initiate pretend play, like camping, restaurant or treasure hunt.
Restocking Supplies
The dollar store is great for homeschooling.
For about $20, I got the essentials: crayons, markers, construction paper, child-friendly scissors, glue sticks, poster board, sticky notes and a small dry erase whiteboard.
We also reuse things like plastic fruit cup and yogurt containers for craft supplies.
I got this awesome Flip Chart (20 sheets per pad) on a foldable cardboard easel from Amazon which is a great tool for learning.
And stickers, lots of stickers. These are great incentives for T to finish an activity.
Organizing Learning Activities
I reviewed the activities we had stockpiled from last Spring and reorganized them, including worksheets from T’s previous teacher.
The hubby and I also bought a few awesome activity books which cover math, sight words and creative thinking.
Strategizing with his Teachers
We are blessed to have an amazing school that is so supportive of T.
He has a fantastic child and youth worker working with him one-on-one as he transitions into an integrated classroom.
The hubby and I met with her last week to discuss how we would work together if there is another lockdown or when T has to stay home.
We agreed that 30-minute daily check ins would be great and the child and youth worker has lots of great ideas for virtual learning.
I set up a shared Google Doc to plan our daily schedules and to stockpile future activity ideas.
T’s teacher also set up a Google Classroom and provided daily activities for parents to work on with kids when they have to stay home.
The class recently got together for daily one-hour group lessons during the 14 days they had to quarantine – which T thankfully got to avoid.
It is comforting to have this all in place because T needs the interaction with kids and teachers.
Creating Learning Tools to Address Areas of Need
As we discussed with his teachers on a call last week to develop his Individualized Education Plan, we want T to work on handwriting, building his pre-reading skills and math.
For kids with T’s prognosis – at-risk FASD – fine motor skills like handwriting, reading and especially math are often identified as skills where they fall behind in during later years, so we want to help him get a headstart now.
I’ve read – and I’ve certainly observed this in T – that kids with FASD tend to be visual hands-on learners.
So with $5 worth of supplies, I created this large size and reusable Ten Frame tool to help teach T how to do simple addition and subtraction using popsicle sticks and sticky notes.
I also created an alphabet chart to help him learn about consonants and vowels and a hundred chart to help with counting.
Embracing Digital Learning
T has basically taken over my personal tablet.
T’s teachers have provided fantastic play-based learning websites and apps.
T also likes the literacy and math activities on IXL, which aligns with curriculum. So it’s worth the low cost of membership.
Following T’s Interests
Doing a scavenger hunt and having to read clues to find a treasure hidden in the house.
I’m not a teacher – although I wanted to be one in another life – and I’m not a homeschool expert.
But I know that kids – and adults too – learn best when they are having fun.
So while there are certain things that are mandatory for T to learn – like the alphabet, sight words and counting – we want to take his lead and let his interests guide his learning.
He likes dinosaurs? We look up a video on YouTube about how dinosaurs went extinct or learn about what fossils are.
He likes pirates? We create a scavenger hunt that encouraged him to read clues to find a treasure hidden somewhere in the house.
It’s a lot of fun to see him have fun and makes the trouble of creating these activities so worth it.
Incorporating Behaviour Modification Strategies
We’ve been blessed to have worked with an amazing behaviour therapist from Surrey Place Centre the last two years who have provided us with effective strategies to deal with T’s learning-related challenges, which include hyperactivity, difficulty focusing on a task or transitions, and emotional regulation.
I’ll write in detail about our experience with behaviour therapy in a future post. For homeschool prep, I thought about the challenges we had with T in the Spring and how we’d deal with them differently this school year.
Using a visual timer (pictured above) given to us by Surrey Place and giving T ample warning before the next task has helped with transitions.
Giving him a set time to complete an activity also helps him build his ability – and gives him an incentive – to stay focused on a task.
His behaviour therapist and teacher last year introduced us to the token economy to incentivize positive behaviors. I created one using ice cream popsicles as the visual cue.
As effective as it can be, a token board is a lot of work to administer, in my opinion, so we’ll only use this if a lockdown does indeed happen – rather than for one-off days of homeschooling.
I also still have to create a visual schedule tool to help T learn to organize his day as kids like T benefit from having structure and routine.
I hope to never have to use any of this for homeschool
As happy and prepared as I feel after having done this work, I hope and pray we never have to homeschool in lockdown ever again.
The thought of it makes me want to slit my wrists.
But all this work is not for naught.
I do plan to use these tools on the weekends as I think having even 30 minutes of learning on Saturdays and Sundays will help T keep up with his academics, which is so important for his long term growth.
Every year, I take the short work week after Thanksgiving off as “me time.” This year, I was practically crawling towards it.
As with everyone who is trying to just get through these challenging pandemic times, my 2020 batteries have been burnt to a crisp.
One doesn’t realize how exhausted they are until they have personal quiet time to do nothing.
I had time off with family in the summer and we enjoyed a wonderful roadtrip. But I also had to check into work throughout that vacation.
My goal for this week was no work and just a focus on me, myself and I.
Yesterday, I went for a scenic morning walk at the Scarborough Bluffs, this wonderful nature oasis within the City that is 20 minutes from home.
I parked at the furthest lot and enjoyed a long walk to the beach, passing by the marina.
The Bluffs are always packed on weekends and parking is a nightmare. But on a weekday, it was deserted and parking was free!
Nothing like solar energy, the calming sound of waves and fresh air to rejuvenate oneself.
It was nice to walk the entire stretch of the almost-empty beach, my first time doing so in 31 years of living here.
I reached the pebbled beach on the other end and thought to myself how much T would enjoy picking up the rocks and throwing them into the water.
And then I felt thankful that he was in school so I could enjoy this moment to myself!
The autumn weather was perfect.
I love that I squeezed another t-shirt and shorts day in. I wish this weather could last a bit longer… like until next Spring!
I did a headcount and there were less than 20 people on this vast beach. Mostly older adults and retirees out on a walk. A few adorable dogs. And a woman and her adorable toddler grandson.
After over an hour on the beach, I walked back to the car and headed home. I still had an entire afternoon to myself to just relax.
Parenting, special needs child or not, is exhausting.
This year presented additional challenges, like homeschooling while working, and really tested the hubby and I physically, mentally and emotionally.
That‘s why self care is so important, because I am no use to T if I’m burnt out.
I’m thankful I have the opportunities to take the time off to recharge.
Realistically, I know that we are only about halfway past this pandemic marathon and so it was good to get this break to recharge so that I am ready for the next stretch ahead of us.
And for me, nature is always the magic ingredient to refreshing myself.
I hope everyone is also taking good care and hanging in there!
While I was preparing to take out the recycling bin to the garage, T chirpily asked to help.
It was overflowing in the pantry and I helped him pull the bin out; a mountain of plastic and boxes spilled onto the kitchen floor.
T insisted on carrying the box down the hallway, out the door and down the stairs into the garage. I guided him from behind.
We came back and I patiently watched him pick up the clutter from the kitchen floor and place them into the bin.
The hubby and I gave each other surprised looks. “T, this is amazing. You are doing such a great job!” I said with genuine praise. I could tell he felt proud.
I watched him with amusement. Has he gone stir crazy being home half the week?
Yes, he was home again for two days last week. A teacher tested positive for COVID. Thankfully, because T was not exposed to him the week prior when he was home with a cold, he got to back to school last Friday. And hopefully the teacher will be ok.
Back in the garage, T insisted on lifting the second filling of the recycling box over his shoulder to dump the contents into the larger bin.
After we returned inside, T washed his hands and the hubby and I gave him a big hug and showered him with praise.
Giving kids chores helps teach them discipline, life skills and how to work as a team.
Yes, our 50+ year old kitchen is disgusting. We hope to renovate it in the near future!
One thing I’ve repeatedly read about kids with FASD, of which T has an at risk prognosis, is they often like to be helpful and can be hardworking.
These are qualities we want to build in T from a young age, because we want to maximize his chances to live independently without us one day.
I think that giving kids jobs around the house helps them build confidence.
When they have a sense of ownership over something, it can help them build their self esteem.
I shared this update with T’s child and youth worker, who has been working closely with him in the classroom.
She was delighted to hear this. She noted that T is often reserved and does not yet participate in group activities. She thinks it has to do with self confidence.
I can see where she is coming from. Although T is confident and outgoing at home, he was not around other kids for five months during lockdown and last year, he was in a class with only 4 kids. So this year is quite a change.
We are meeting with his child and youth worker this week to discuss strategies to help T come out of his shell. I know that he will if given the right supports.
So the hubby, T and I agreed that there are certain jobs in the home that are T’s to look after.
Emptying the recycling bin is one of them now.
This weekend, I asked T to help clean the table after meals, in particularly his own space by emptying waste in the organic bin and putting his dishes in the sink.
Before we pretend played this weekend, I asked T to tidy up the living room, which looked like a bomb had gone off and left debris of Hot Wheels scattered across the floor.
I stepped away for a few minutes to go to the bathroom and when I returned, T had tidied up the space quite nicely.
I was impressed and gave him a big hug.
Down the road, the hubby and I think about getting a part time job for T. We both started paper routes when we were 9 years old and it’s something we could see us doing with T.
Kids, special needs or not, all want to feel valuable. Jobs at home, school or in the real world, help us all build confidence and worth.
We want to help T to see in himself how awesome and amazing his parents think he is.
Mind you, our living room looked like a disaster again an hour after T cleaned it up. But that’s ok. Childhood is meant to be messy, so long as T cleans up again afterwards!
It’s Canadian Thanksgiving weekend and our family enjoyed a scenic Saturday afternoon outing in nature.
We had planned to leave the house by 9 to maximize our day. T and I woke up at 10 and the hubby an hour later. By the time we left the house, it was Noon.
But long weekends are meant to be relaxed!
We drove two hours East of the City to a charming town called Campbellford where he made a quick stop to take a photo with a giant Twoonie.
Then we hiked at the small but beautiful Ferris Provincial Park.
Fall colours were not quite in full burst but there were enough yellows, oranges and reds on the trees and ground that made it feel magical.
The highlight of the park was the metal suspension bridge that overlooked a gorge.
We stopped by for baked goods at the well-known Dooher’s Bakery in Campbellford.
Then we did a beautiful drive through country roads to the town of Brighton, as T enjoyed shortbread cookies and blueberries.
I was driving so I didn’t snap any photos. Just enjoyed the majesty of Fall.
In Brighton, we visited Presqu’Ile Provincial Park, which is French for “Almost an Island.”
We walked through this beautiful white sandy path to the big beach.
It was nearing sunset so the beach was almost abandoned.
It was super windy and cloudy so the waves were extra busy and loud.
We enjoyed listening to the calming sound of the waves while T sprinted up and down the beach.
This was a totally unexpected slice of heaven and it was hard to believe this was only 90 minutes from home. We made a note to come back for a longer visit and swim next summer!
It is family tradition to do a short roadtrip during Thanksgiving weekend.
I love that we have these traditions and that T looks forward to them. I am thankful he is now gung-ho for the long drives, that he embraces the adventure of hikes and that he treasures these moments in his memories and brings them up in conversation later.
In 2016, the hubby, T and I, along with a dear friend who happens to be a foodie, did a two-night poutine and falls colours visit to Quebec.
We ate five poutines – a Canadian tradition of fries with cheese curds and gravy on top – in 36 hours, including a fancy foie gras poutine sold at a food stand on a duck farm.
I didn’t think I could eat another French fry for months after that weekend!
Thanksgiving Roadtrip 2016 – Foie Gras Poutine from a duck farm in Quebec, quite possibly the fanciest poutine I’ve ever had!
In 2018, the four of us did another food-themed and fall colors Thanksgiving roadtrip weekend – this time through Vermont and Maine for seafood, like lobster, fried clams, and chowder.
Thanksgiving Roadtrip 2018 – Lobster roll and clams from The Clam Shack food stand in Maine.
The drive back to Ontario, Canada through New Hamsphire was absolutely breathtaking – as captured through the photos at the top of this post and below. Just stunning.
Although this year’s Thanksgiving was local, we had all the important ingredients: nature, fall colours, comfort food and quality relaxing time spent with family!
While we were looking forward to enjoying our daytrip with a small group of friends, we had to keep it just our family as the government had reintroduced restrictions on social gatherings to combat rising COVID cases.
On the drive home, the hubby assembled sandwiches with bread rolls, sliced honey ham and marbled cheese slices that I had prepped.
A content and tired T told us sweetly, “I love you Papa and Daddy.”
On a recent Thursday daycare pickup, I got out of the car and heard yelling between T and a little girl.
At first, I thought they were just playing but upon a closer look, I saw the two of them screaming at each other’s face, a parent standing behind the girl and the daycare staff behind T.
T saw me and ran to me. He wanted to leave but I was not going to leave without finding out what was going on.
We walked over. “Is everything ok?” I asked.
“No, it’s actually not,” said the mother.
T had thrown grass at the 4 year old girl’s face and the girl then hit T back in retaliation and that set off the screaming match.
So I asked T to apologize. He was reluctant to do so and the girl apologized first.
He apologized quietly and I made him repeat himself so that everyone could hear.
Once he did, I let him go and play in the playground while I spoke with the staff.
She said that T is very hands on with the kids and still has a hard time with understanding when kids just want to be left alone.
She mentioned that because of his behaviour, one of the parents had asked for T and their child to be kept separated.
Well, that just bummed me out. It kept me up that night as I thought about it. It’s always hard to see this kind of feedback about T no matter how thick skinned I feel I’ve become over the years.
But one thing parenting T has taught me is that every day is a new day and a clean slate.
The next day, when I got out of the car, I expected there be another screaming match.
I heard excited shouting and in the distance I saw T holding a ball away from the girl.
Here we go again, I thought.
But they were running around excitedly and playing nicely with each other.
The staff, a different one from the day before, said that the two of them actually like to play with each other.
I took T to the playground, where we usually play for another hour before heading home.
The girl arrived five minutes later with her mom.
While the two kids played excitedly with each other, I spoke with the mom. I apologized again for T’s behaviour and she, in turn, apologized for her daughter’s behaviour.
I told the mother that I spoke with T about his behaviour and told him about keeping his hands to himself, no hitting when upset and most certainly, no throwing things at people’s face, even if it’s meant in jest.
The two of us further chatted about the challenges of parenting and schooling in a pandemic – and her being a single mom.
While we by no means are going to be BFFs, it was good to make that connection and for me to demonstrate I took T’s actions seriously and in turn, I was glad she also took ownership on her end. My kind of parent!
This experience taught me it’s good to let kids figure things out, but it’s also good – especially at a young age and for kids with additional needs – to help pave the path for T to maximize his success with important matters like his social experience.
I’ve also reached out to the Special Needs Resource Consultant who has been working with T before the pandemic. She said she will reach out to the daycare staff to touch base, including the possibility of refresher training on strategies to respond to his more challenging behaviors.
It was wonderful to end the week on that upbeat and positive note!
We had quite the unexpected start to our week when T was sent home midday Monday from school.
He was sneezing and had a runny nose. He also told his teacher he had a fever. He didn’t and doesn’t have a fever – it’s his default word for everything – but because of his cold symptoms, they asked us to pick him up.
Not only that, but we also had to keep T home until he completed a COVID test and we confirmed a negative result.
So the hubby and I rearranged our work day and the entire family went for the COVID test.
The lineup at the hospital was long when we arrived late afternoon.
There are two lines: a screening line where they take your personal information and a test line where you get the QTip up your nose.
Thankfully, we got to cut to the front of the screening line because of T.
The line to wait for the nose swab took an hour. T was glued to the hubby’s phone. We had to change his mask because of how snotty it was.
I was optimistic T was going to be fine given he was in great spirit and didn’t have a fever.
When it was finally our turn, I joked to myself about telling the staff to shove that QTip up T’s nose to teach him a lesson about so carelessly using the word fever. But I was nice.
I was up first. It was quite quick, lasted five seconds. It wasn’t painful but it was certainly uncomfortable. It felt like someone jabbed a metal wire up my nose.
My eyes watered up and although I was not in pain, I had tears streaming down my face.
I tried to tell T that it was not painful at all but I was not very convincing so I left and waited outside. A minute later, I saw T walking out with tears streaming down his eyes.
I bet he learned an important lesson to never use the F word (fever) so casually again!
And so, it was a return to homeschooling – while working – again this week.
The hubby and I were so not mentally prepared for it, so this week felt like a chaotic mess.
Thankfully, we had resources and ideas leftover from our homeschooling journey in the Spring, including those from his teachers last year, that I drew from.
We did some math activities.
And a scavenger hunt, using a card game called Ukloo, gifted from a wonderful teacher friend, that helped us practice reading and recognizing sight words.
As well as outdoor time (in the backyard only), letter tracing, roleplay games, and bedtime reading.
T’s amazing child and youth worker also reached out to us and she did 30-minute virtual lessons with T on Wednesday and Thursday.
Thanks to her, we discovered that T is now drawing pictures in class. He drew a wonderful picture of a dinosaur.
And our two cats Kyrie and Lanaya.
I felt the return of being so scattered with juggling work and T – and I didn’t do a good job of managing my stress level at all this week – and the parental guilt of feeling like we were not doing enough for T.
It certainly made it clear to me that the hubby and I are screwed again if we were to have a second lockdown this fall.
I just had to keep reminding myself of two things: 1) missing a week of school in the grand scheme is not the end of the world, 2) it’s important to respect and appreciate the protocols that schools have in place to keep everyone safe.
T had quite a few hard moments to deal with this week. When routines go out the window, he gets easily emotionally disregulated. In fairness, who could blame him for not wanting to be home and wanting to be in school. But it was also quite awesome to see the growth in him between now compared to just a few months ago.
So there’s always a silver lining!
Oh and in case you were wondering, the results were negative!
I’ve never hit the refresh button on a web page as much as I have this past week. T was driving me nuts at home, to be completely frank!
We received them this morning.
I must’ve woken up the entire neighbourhood when I screamed “Negative!” at the top of my lungs.
It was not a surprise as it’s exactly what we expected. He was fine all week. But nonetheless, it was a big relief and we felt grateful to have it confirmed.
We told the teachers and his daycare we were going to keep T home for today – and possibly on Friday – until his cold symptoms go away.
The last thing we want is to get the other kids in his class sick and then the school has to shut down.
Cuz if that happens, Lord help us all, I may jam that QTip up into my brain myself.
My Life With T 