My friends and I, now in our 40s, think fondly about a class that we took 30 years ago in Grade 9, which remains one of the most useful classes ever.
“Personal Life Management,” or PLM for short, covered practical life skills, including financial literacy, through reflective discussions, journaling and assignments.
My first reaction was “that’s great!” It was then followed by “why wait until university?”
T’s class recently had a guest talk to them about financial literacy. His awesome CYW shared that some of T’s classmates have bank accounts and suggested we open one for T.
I thought it was a great idea. It reminded me of Ma. We did not have much growing up. My parents worked hard and scraped and saved so my sister and I could have a better life.
Ma taught me early on about hard work and saving. She worked as a bank teller in her later years. She helped me open a savings account at a young age and got me started contributing to a retirement savings plan when I was in high school; the latter of which I’ll forever be thankful for. She taught me to never live beyond my means.
I thought about Ma when the hubby and I took T to the bank on a recent weekend to open a bank account; how life is a circle with me now in Ma’s shoes.
It would’ve been easier for me to go to the bank by myself, but it was important for T to see the process, including meeting the bank manager and to ask questions he may have.
He sat mostly patiently for the 30-minute appointment.
A week later, his bank card arrived in the mail and I took T to the bank to activate his pin, which I told him to guard with great privacy, and to deposit money sitting in his piggybank.
He had fun inserting his card into the ATM. I explained the terms deposit, withdraw and interest – and said that if he only remembered one thing it’s that he should always deposit more than he withdraws from the bank.
Afterwards, he helped me run grocery errands at four stores, including picking up his medication at the pharmacy. Aside from pissing me off at a crowded self checkout line, he did very well and was quite helpful!
From all that I’ve read over the years about individuals with FASD, life skills such as managing time and money are often challenging – as they relate to executive functioning skills, which is one of T’s impairments, as identified in his FASD diagnosis.
So I’m especially mindful and attentive to building these practical life skills with him at an early age and pray to God that something sticks with enough repetition over time.
As I always remind myself and T, one step at a time; sometimes, you have to repeat – at the expense of his Papa’s thread-thin patience and sanity.
His CYW texted us this week to let us know T shared his banking news with her. She wrote, “So he’s only going to spend your money and save his.”
I think I need to finetune my messaging. 😂
We went for our first bike ride of the year this morning. T encountered these lovelies along the way.
Our sweet Lanaya unexpectedly left us this week, the first time T has experienced the loss of a pet.
Lanaya was a wonderful part of our family for 10 years and for almost all of T’s life.
She came into the hubby and my life on Canada Day 2015, when we adopted her and our boy cat Kyrie as a bonded pair.
Our previous cat, Harley, had passed away earlier that year and we had been six years into our adoption journey and felt a child was never going to happen. But little did we know then that T’s arrival was around the corner!
This was our first time meeting Lanaya at her foster home. 💕
This is my favourite photo of her.
Unlike our previous two cats, who barely tolerated each other, Lanaya and Kyrie were always cuddling or exploring the world together.
Yes, those two boxes are our previous cats. 😂What’s this green alien object?This picture still kills me with cuteness. 🥰The dynamics in our home changed when T arrived, unexpectedly, 10 months later. I still chuckle at this photo of Lanaya in T’s crib.
Lanaya was smart, caring, kind and curious.
I loved stumbling across this video, from 2015, of playing fetch with her. Such a smart girl.
It brings me comfort she’s now with dear family and friends, including Jenny, who sometimes watched the cats and had a soft spot for Lanaya.
Cats become family and are there through major life moments.
The hubby and I previously experienced the loss of two pets: kittyboi in 2013, who passed away while we were on vacation, and Harley, whom we were both with at the vet during her final moments.
This is the first time T has lost a pet.
The hubby picked him up from school, so he could see her at the vet, where she passed away unexpectedly while being examined.
While she had already passed, it was important that he got to see her to help him process the loss.
He brought her flowers and laid them next to her.
He spent the rest of the day at home and I left the office to be with him. I received the news just before a team meeting and it took a lot of restraint not to bawl in front of my peers as I sat through the meeting before heading home.
The hubby said that T cried at the vet and I could sense his quiet and calm sadness at home.
I gave him space to just be.
When I saw an opening to chat, I shared that the price of experiencing love in life is we also experience the sadness of loss.
But what a gift it is when we have a chance to love someone and to be loved in return.
“Aren’t Karens mean?” T asked when I let him know we found him a tutor.
It was not the first time he’s made such a comment. The other time was directly at a grocery cashier named Karen.
Thankfully, in the case of his new academic support, she has been wonderful and kind so far.
Finding T a tutor had been on my to-do list for a while but other priorities, and not having enough time in my day, kept getting in the day.
In early April, I hunkered down and contacted the lady that had been recommended by T’s kindergarten teacher.
I let her know our goal is to provide T with additional supports as Grade 4 has been a more challenging year and we are also planning ahead for later years.
I let her know that we believe T is bright and capable but FASD and ADHD make it challenging for him in the classroom, even though he has a CYW supporting him. We believe he can benefit from 1-1 tutoring to catch up in areas where he is unable to focus on in the classroom.
I learned that Karen is a retired elementary school teacher, that she raised two autistic boys now in their 20s and her brother was part of the school board’s first special education program.
We had an informal meet and greet and she and T hit it off.
I could see her using strategies like setting a timer, giving transition warnings and breaks and providing positive reinforcement and incentives.
T and I started an Instagram account and his first post aligns with the goals of introducing him to a tutor.
I let Karen know that our immediate priority is to work on T’s reading, as he has low interest in reading and his teacher says he needs to build his stamina and comprehension.
Then we can figure out priorities in Grade 5 once we get a sense of what T’s needs are this Fall.
T has had two sessions with Karen – once a week. The hubby or I pick him up from school and he misses daycare and works with Karen for 90 minutes then she leaves before supper.
I work from home during T’s tutoring days but I let Karen know it’s her show, while we work upstairs.
I can hear the buzz of their conversation and Karen’s impressions are that T is bright, articulate and that she underestimated his abilities.
She’s also connected with T’s teacher and CYW so they’re working towards the same goals.
During the first session, she brought over a Gravitrax marble run set – the same one that T has – and said he could take care of it indefinitely.
So now T has double the supplies and he’s put them to great use – as you can see below.
Karen let T know that not all kids can create things like this and that he could be an engineer one day.
I find she is very encouraging – in a way that feels genuine – and T is responding well to it.
At the end of each session, T gave her a big hug and stood on our porch and waved as she drove off.
An important lesson that school teaches kids is that details and presentation matter; and they help move average towards excellent.
Two weeks ago, we learned that T had to complete a diorama about a Canadian region of his choice and accompanied by a research report and presentation.
My first thought was “What fresh hell is this?”
A diorama is a three-dimensional model that replicates a scene and is often miniature sized.
For whatever reason, maybe a full moon, this caused the hubby great anxiety. I’m usually the one who stresses out about things, so it was amusing to see T’s project unfold over a week through the hubby’s eyes.
After confirming T wanted to do his diorama on the Canadian Shield, the hubby got supplies at the dollar store.
The hubby got T to design the scene and lay out items, such as rocks, animals and labels, and I gotta say, it turned out amazing! 💕
The hubby helped with harder tasks, like gluing the trees down using a hot glue gun – and added cool detail like the paper forest background.
He obsessed over it and even wondered if he should get water-textured puddy he found online and I gave him a big hug and said, “You’re not the one being graded.” 😂
Gentle teasing aside, details do matter.
Caring about details, such as his penmanship, double checking math work, giving depth in his writing, is a lesson we try to instill in T.
Given his ADHD and FASD dual diagnosis, it’s not easy but it’s important to keep trying.
With the diorama done, T had to write a research report, using at least two sources.
Guess which lucky duck had to help with this! 🙃
I wanted T to do as much of the work on his own but he needed to be set up for success.
I found two library books then wrote headings that he had to find information about – such as landforms, climate, plants, animals – based on the rubric his teacher provided.
I helped T learn how to use the book’s table of contents and index as part of researching and I asked him to write down two sentences per heading, because details are important.
I asked him to put the info in his own words instead of copying them word for word.
I aged about 10 years by the time he wrote his first draft – see below. But wait, there’s more!
One of the two pages of T’s research
Because I’m a masochist, I told T he had to type up his two pages of research notes.
He blew a big fit and said his teacher didn’t ask him to type his report.
I told him that presentation matters and that his handwritten report was good but looked sloppy.
Thus began a three-night journey where T typed up his report, little by little, after supper.
The only person that moved slower was George RR Martin working on the next Game of Thrones book.
This ADHD child got distracted by the most random things – like suddenly thinking it’d be fun to press down on a single letter for a minute to see it populate a whole page. God help me! 😂
But we got it done – and it was worth it!
T was one of the few students who turned in his assignment on the deadline last Friday.
His CYW proudly texted us photos of T presenting his diorama to his class.
She said he did the best job and was the only student who came prepared with a typed up report that he read out as notes.
His teacher agreed and gave him an A. It was originally an A+ but he lost the + for not making eye contact. Whatever… progress not perfection!
We told T we were so proud of him and said that his extra care and attention to detail paid off.
We celebrated with pizza for T and wings for the parents that evening. And I congratulated the hubby on his A too! 🤣
T came up with the title by himself! The photo is of him at Killbear, situated within the Canadian Shield. No bears were harmed in writing this report.I came up with the headings, using a Q&A approach, for him to answer and to help him learn to organize his thoughts when doing research reports.
I am often inspired by those who’ve gone through a journey of discovery and then use their experience to inform and inspire others on similar journeys.
Frances Victory is a Life Coach, Speaker, Developmental Psychologist and Adjunct Assistant Professor. She completed her doctoral degree in Developmental Psychology at the City University of New York’s Graduate Center.
She has used her knowledge of development plus her years of teaching to create interactive workshops for professionals and families of children with autism; with topics ranging from self-development, understanding the I.E.P., and behavioral management.
Her workshops inspired her to create a self-development workbook for parents of children with special needs called “Journey to Finding a New You.”
Her goal is to help parents become strong and empowered so they can be the best advocate for their child.
Based in New York with her husband and two children, Frances recently reached out to me to introduce me to her workbook project.
Photo Courtesy: Frances Victory
How did the idea for “Journey to Finding a New You” come about?
I got married in 2016. It was very hard for me to handle this huge change. I decided to look online for a self-help book to guide me. I wasn’t sure what exactly I was hoping to find. I just knew I needed a resource to give me the strength to figure out this huge new step in my life.
As I was looking, I wondered if there are any self-help books for parents of children with special needs. The only thing I could find were books that educated the caregivers about a particular developmental disability, or books by mothers and fathers who wanted to tell their story.
At that point, I thought to myself – what if the reader has different life experience than the writer? For example, maybe they are raising a child of different gender, age, diagnosis, or living in a different type of community. It can help the reader realize they aren’t the only parent who is feeling a particular way.
But how can they really relate if they don’t have the same values as the writer. He or she may have used religion and God to handle their child’s diagnosis. Meanwhile, the writer doesn’t even believe in religion.
I believe parents need a resource that will help them take control of their own life, in their own way and, on their own time. Account for their own beliefs, available resources, and lifestyle. Let them write their own story and not feed off someone else’s story or how they think they should be feeling.
You write that “most books that aim to help you make a change in your life don’t seem to understand what it is life being the parent of a child with special needs.” How does your book address self-transformation through the eyes of a special needs caregiver?
The resource is addressed solely to parents of children with special needs. Scattered throughout the book are examples of situations related to having a child with special needs which makes it even more meaningful for reader. Mothers and fathers may simply find comfort in knowing that this workbook is written just for them.
There is a section that discusses the people around you and how to identify those who are affecting your life in a positive or negative manner. I think parents will find extreme comfort in this chapter.
A caregiver of a child with special needs an extra amount of social support from friends and family. They often face an emotional roller coaster. Mothers and fathers need unconditional support from others through thick and thin. Someone who knows what is going on and is first to ask you how you are feeling.
I also emphasize the importance of engaging in a dialogue with the people who have helped and harmed them – thanking them for their support or telling them what you need from this point forward.
You can follow Frances Victory on Instagram @victory_coachin_LLC.
You write about setting SMART goals and I think about the start of a new year and personal resolutions. What are the tricks to keep oneself focused on achieving their goals and resolutions?
I cannot believe it is 2025 already!! Research shows that many people give up on their resolutions by February.
Here are some of my suggestions to accomplishing your goals:
Start off by making specific smaller goals. The steps you need to take to get to your ultimate big goal. Usually, a large goal can be overwhelming and you are more likely to quit. These smaller steps become a checklist to guide you along the way. It can also be motivational because it is exciting when you check off what you HAVE accomplished.
Be realistic and honest to yourself during the whole process of working on your goals. Only you know what you can achieve. My workbook has a section for you to brainstorm the answer to questions such as – What resources do you have to help you reach your goals? Who do you know that could hold you accountable to working on your goals? What do you think are obstacles that may come your way when trying to achieve your goal?
Don’t be hard on yourself if not achieving your goal. Ask yourself: (a) did you make any change at all but just not as much as you would like? and (b) are you honestly trying as hard as you can?
My workbook provides space to help you think about these questions and write your ideas. Help you see what needs to be fixed. Redo your plan or change your goal.
“I believe parents need a resource that will help them take control of their own life, in their own way and, on their own time.”
I often write about the need for self-care as a special needs caregiver. What are your go-to self- care rituals?
I engage in a variety of different self-care routines. Each activity makes me very happy and offers a sense of calm when my life starts to feel chaotic.
I try to engage in these happenings in a moderation. I remind myself that even though I love each activity, too much may take away my time from my main priorities and what I should be focusing on.
Here is my list of self-care routines.
Drinking a glass of wine before bed. I remind myself of the health benefits of wine such as preventing heart disease, boosting brain power, reducing the risk of cancer, and lowering blood pressure.
I found a coloring book for adults. It is so much fun to use the creative side of my brain. I haven’t done anything like this since I was a child. It is so relaxing.
Spending way too much time on social media and watching reality television. My husband says I am rotting my brain. I say it is just something that I enjoy!
The writing and creative process always fascinate me. What were the most rewarding and the most challenging parts about writing your book?
This has been a project in the making for a few years now. I was pregnant with my older son when I started brainstorming my ideas. Little did I know, I would become the mother of a child with special needs.
Since then so many other responsibilities have come up for me. Plus, I had a second child. But while dealing with so many other things, I am very proud of myself that I have kept working on this project. For still staying motivated to engaged in the writing and marketing process.
Even though I haven’t accomplished everything at the speed that I would have liked, I keep telling myself that little by little I am working hard to make a difference in the life of a parent of child with special needs. Even if I have helped one mother or father then it will be all worth it!
I love your shoutout to dads in your book. In your opinion, are there differences in how a mom and a dad may experience special needs caregiving?
I don’t think gender has anything to do with differences in how parents may experience the caregiving process. I think it is more important to focus on the dynamic of the caregivers’ relationship. How strong and supportive are they to each other?
For example, stereotypically mothers are the ones taking on the responsibility of organizing everything their child needs. If that is the case, is the father providing the kind of support she needs when she is stressed out.
Also, may have a father or mother who is not acceptant of their child’s diagnosis. How do they deal with issues that come their way? Do they work together or have different ideas about how to raise their child?
My workbook may help parents develop a goal aiming to work on their marriage. It may even give them a chance to work together to create this goal so they can become more supportive and bonded to each other. This goal would help the child because his or her parents would have a stronger relationship and better able to work together to help him or her.
What has the response been to your book so far? Any plans for a follow up?
I am currently still in the very early stages of marketing and promoting my workbook. I am working with a few therapists and blogs so they can promote my resource to their clients and readers. They have shown a lot of interest that this workbook may be something that their clients would be interested in. At this time there are no plans for a follow up. I have thought about writing a children’s book to help them advocate for their own needs.
US Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F Kennedy Jr recently spoke at a news conference in April and made some harsh comments about autism and autistic people, including the claim that autism destroys families. What did you think about his comments?
Yes, families with a child with autism can be stressed out and deeply affected with their son or daughter’s diagnosis. It can affect the family system and marriage. But why is he solely focusing on this particular diagnosis? Any family can and will be affected in any way by their child’s diagnosis of any disability.
Why is he using such an extreme word such as “destroys” families? He has also stated that autism can be “preventable” and “destroys our children”. He has also stated that a person with autism will never engage and enjoy the activities that a typical child will engage in.
A parent of a child who was recently diagnosed with autism is going to read RFK’s statement and go into an extreme panic mode. One parent may react differently than the other parent to what he or she has read. Then cause a divide between mother and father. “Destroy” them as a unit in their ability to work together to help their child as much as possible. He even refers to autism as a “preventable disease”. Autism is not a disease. Cancer is a disease that can kill a person. Why is he choosing to use the same vocabulary? Again, does he really think these terms he is using are helping parents and families? Instead he is just creating a massive sense of panic in parents of children who have been recently diagnosed!
He is so focused on “preventing” a child frombeing diagnosed. It is almost like he sees autism like a plague. Research has already shown that there is a genetic component to autism. So why not instead focus a percentage of your research funds into helping these families that he believes are being “destroyed”? Why not focus on providing states with funds to develop more treatment and therapy programs for children who you believe are being “destroyed”?
The hubby had deleted his favourite game from the phone, which I had advised the hubby against giving to T beforehand.
T started swearing and talking back very loudly, drawing stares from the crowd around us.
When the hubby took the phone away, T started screaming, “I’m going to kill you!” Then proceeded to punch and kick the hubby.
He eventually calmed down when it was our turn to board the plane, but you can just imagine how frazzled and embarrassed the hubby and I felt, as we now had to sit with the people, who witnessed the exchange, for the next four hours.
The situation rattled me. It not only disrupted the peace at the airport but it shook my inner peace.
I was so upset during the entire flight, evening at home, and the day after when I had to reenter work and compartmentalize.
But like every misstep in our FASD caregiving journey, things do settle down and time and distance provide valuable perspective – and laughter is a wonderful medicine.
When we were mapping out the pilot season, our team felt strongly about doing an episode about gratitude, because it was important to share the message that there is always a reason to have hope, humour and heart.
Our latest episode, “Feeling Gratitude in Your Hardship,” came out just before this Easter weekend, a time associated with forgiveness, gratitude and redemption.
This was also the episode I wanted to participate on and I joined my exceptional co-hosts and a fellow caregiver of a child with Emmanuel Syndrome to discuss and raise awareness of FASD through my lived experience.
I never sugarcoat how hard the FASD caregiving journey is.
It is physically, mentally and emotionally draining and on the worst days, I feel like I’m drowning in guilt, anger, despair and other people’s judgment.
One lifesaver that often gets me out of my funk is gratitude; taking a step back to look at the big picture and the things that are going well.
Gratitude can be writing things down in a journal or blog; or prayer and meditation; or going for a walk or 20 minutes on an elliptical; or talking to a trusted friend or a therapist.
It doesn’t make the hard things go away, or bring back a loved one that has passed, or change the past, like of a meltdown at an airport.
But gratitude helps recenter your perspective and recharges you with the tools to face the challenges in front of you.
It’s about realizing there are many things in life that you can’t control, but you can always control how you respond to your challenges.
So Much to be Grateful For
Easter is about forgiveness, gratitude and redemption.
I am always the hardest on myself when something goes belly up with T.
The guilt eats at me and the worry of how others will look at him and treat him for a disability that was never ever his fault.
I’m learning to be better at letting go of things that I have zero control over, like FASD.
I can’t control or change a disability but I can make the most of my finite time with T – a bright, funny and goodhearted child.
I am grateful for the fresh start of each day to try again, to redeem ourselves.
I feel blessed for all the small and bigger adventures we enjoy together as a family.
I am inspired by how T is growing each day. It refuels my motivation to try even harder for him.
I am grateful I have a sense of humour and am able to eventually laugh and make fun of all the things that happen to us because of FASD.
One of my peers on the Family Advisory Council said it best: you can’t make this shit up! 😆 You really can’t! 😂
On this Easter Sunday, T got up at the first sign of daylight at 6:15 and found all the eggs in the house.
I love that he still believes in the Easter Bunny.
He then re-hid all the eggs and woke me up at 7:30 to find them.
I told him to come back at 8:40, because I wanted to sleep in.
Sure enough, at exactly 8:40, the door opened and he told me it was time to get up! 😂
It’s really the small things in life that feel like the biggest, richest and most valuable.
Special Thanks
On the topic of gratitude, I want to give a shoutout and thanks to FeedSpot for selecting and highlighting “My Life with T” on their “20 Best LGBT Parenting Blogs and Websites in 2025” list at #4.
An ice storm couldn’t keep us away from a night 16 years in the waiting with pop queen Kylie Minogue.
The Australian icon brought her Tension Tour to North America, with her first stop at Toronto’s Scotiabank Centre on March 29.
The weather was miserable; freezing rain and ice storms further north of the city. But it didn’t stop 15,000 of her devoted fans from turning up for a two-hour stand-on-your-feet dance party.
I first came across Kylie as a university student in the early 00s when I randomly picked up her masterpiece album “Light Years” at a second hand record store and have been in love since.
Her discography is pop perfection. Her music is my soundtrack for workouts, long commute to-and-from work, and when I need a pick-me-up.
“Destiny has a funny way
When it comes and takes all your cares away
I can’t think of a single thing
Other than what a beautiful state I’m in.”
T enjoys her songs and they often play during our roadtrips. His current faves are “Edge of Saturday Night”, “10 Out of 10”, and “Your Disco Needs You”.
I was thankful the show was on a Saturday. T relaxed at home during the day and there was no pressure to put him to bed early.
I met up with friends for dinner beforehand – the same friends who were also at her 2009 show, the only other time she had ever toured North America.
I then met up with the hubby and T at the venue entrance before parting ways with my friends.
The long wait between tours was well worth it!
The amazing and high energy show spanned her five-decade and still going career.
She opened with “Lights, Camera, Action” from her 2024 album “Tension 2” …
… covered 80s favourites such as “Locomotion”…
… and all her hits, including my faves “On A Night Like This,” “In Your Eyes,” “Get Outta My Way,” “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”…
… standouts from her recent 20s albums such as “Good as Gone”…
… and closing with her 2023 hit “Padam Padam” (below) and her encore: 2003 fan favourite “Love at First Sight”.
T enjoyed the show. Learning from our recent traumatic airport meltdown experience, there was absolutely no mobile devices allowed.
T had his noise-cancelling headphones and regulated himself when it became too much, including hugging the hubby or curling up in his seat and covering his head with his jacket.
But he also stood up and enjoyed songs he was familiar with, such as the beautiful medley of songs from Kylie’s 2020 album “Disco”, which bathed the venue in euphoric lights.
“Start again
Shut the blinds
I swear the music ’bout to change my life
Now it’s 11:59
We’re on the edge of a Saturday night”
In a fickle pop landscape that is unkind to aging women, it’s a joy to see Kylie travelling in top form towards her 60s.
I can’t wait to see what she does next. 💕
We got home at the edge of Saturday night and super thankful for our once-in-a-generation experience.
Writing helps me process my world. Reading T’s school writing work, I see he might’ve done the same.
As an ice storm descended in our city, I settled into my Friday evening and noticed an artwork that T had created in his school folder.
Upon closer inspection, it was an image of what looked like a church in a quiet field of tombstones and a small boy and his dog going for a walk.
I noticed the staple on the corner and flipped the page. It was a two-page typed story that T had written and I’d like to share it with you.
“The Deadly Walk”
Once upon a time, there was a cemetery. There were lots of tombstones and lots of zombies chasing after me.
I was out for a walk and I came across an old abandoned cemetery. There were lots of vines growing on the gravestones.
It was very dark, cold and scary. I was out all alone walking with my very frightened dog.
All of a sudden I looked behind me and my dog was gone! I was very scared. I saw my puppy dead on the hard ground and I did not know what to do.
That’s when I saw an abandoned funeral home. It looked haunted. I wanted to go in to see what was inside.
So I went inside the funeral home. There were rats and ripped up carpet, the rats were under the carpet and running up the stairs.
I saw some dead bodies on the floor and mice were eating the rotten flesh.
I climbed out of the window of the funeral home. I had to jump over the gate because the gate was locked.
I saw three ghosts following me and I ran as fast as I could and ended up on a dead end stree (sic).
I ran the opposite way out of the dead end street and that’s when I finally lost sight of the ghosts.
I ran into my house and I saw my pet dog flying, he was an angel.
I went upstairs to my room with my angel dog and we had a good night sleep.
In the morning I went for a walk and I saw the cemetery, nothing was scary at all.
It was a perfect walk with my pet dog. It was not a dream. My puppy had a great time.
The End.
I didn’t know what to expect when I started reading it and I’m sitting here in the quiet dark reflecting on how my little guy processes hard things.
T has had recent encounters with death, most recently my mom and a year before that, my sister, whom he saw quickly deteriorate from cancer when she lived with us in her final months.
He talks about them from time to time, in the way a young kid, who is neurodiverse with FASD, would.
My interpretation of his story is a kid who had found cemeteries and funeral homes to be scary places. But he finds peace with them in the end and no longer finds them scary.
We find comfort and our own meanings in creative art and how lovely for me to find them in something T created. 🥰
I celebrated my 44th birthday weekend with my two favourite guys on a rare Saturday night out at a glow-in-the-dark trampoline park.
We piggybacked on one of T’s peers’ birthday party. It started at 8:30 when I am usually getting ready for bed. 😂 I enjoyed sitting on a couch watching T have a blast.
We all slept in this morning and had lunch at Chinese Dumpling House, a family favourite restaurant.
We then visited my Pa, Ma and sister at the cemetery. They were very relaxed as always.
T chilling with Ama and Angkong. 😂💕
Then we picked up Filipino treats at Seafood City, a Filipino supermarket, including a buko pandan drink and an ube macapuno cake.
I thought about family and friends who were no longer with us this morning.
I received a nice birthday greeting email from Jenny’s mom and it helped keep her memory alive.
I’m nearing the midway point of a decade where I spend way more time than I should looking for my glasses and my doctor is monitoring my cholesterol. 😆 By the way, my bad cholesterol is down by almost half since last summer! 🙌
Birthday noodles for long life or until my cholesterol kills me.
But the last few years also taught me not to sweat the small stuff and to laugh off unexpected meltdowns that disturb the peace.
And yes, I’m now able to laugh about that terrible airport meltdown last week, which I’ll still write about soon.
It’s a really nice balance and mental and emotional space to be settling into! 🙏
All I wish for every year is happiness, good health, love, peace, adventure and success for my loved ones and myself.
We got home from the party at midnight last night and at 12:30 am, T came in our room and I was half asleep. He flicked on the lights and crawled into bed to give me a big long hug and wished me happy birthday.
For this and all my other immeasurable blessings, I am truly grateful.
For March Break last week, our family returned to Cancun, Mexico and had a blast.
The week leading up to the trip, T’s excitement was palatable.
On the Friday before the break, I picked T up from school at lunch, to let him relax in the afternoon, as we had to get up at 2 a.m. the next day for our flight.
I dreaded a meltdown at the airport or during the flight, but despite very little sleep, he did well.
One reason for this was we did not give him access to mobile games this time, which bring out the raging and cussing worse in him.
This was our third March Break in Mexico and we stayed in the same resort, because it’s familiar and T loves the amenities, which include a waterpark, lazy river, gym and indoor trampoline park.
We kept it very chill all week; lots of sleeping in, late breakfasts, morning swims, afternoon naps and down time in our room.
I had to do a bit of work each day, as I’m gearing up for a project launch, and I joked with colleagues that an hour of work each day in between a swim and a long nap is my kind of work-life balance!
The hubby and I enjoyed more time to ourselves, as this trip was the first time we left T by himself in our room – with food, TV and Internet – while we enjoyed dinner at the resort restaurants.
We reminded T to not pick up the phone or open the door while we were out and we were never gone for more than an hour and a half.
T was in heaven by himself, with his tablet and a plate of chicken tenders, chips and fruit.
It was a sobering reminder T is getting older.
Melancholy aside, it was truly nice having time to just the two of us, something we so rarely get as special needs caregivers!
Travelling with a child with FASD – and one who struggles so much with impulsivity and regulation – can be quite challenging.
I am thankful T did very well this trip, in the big picture, and that I only genuinely wanted to murder him once at the resort.
In addition to no mobile game privileges on the flight, we also did not give him access to a device during meal times, which were a struggle last year.
“But what am I supposed to do?” He whined.
“Talk to your parents,” I deadpanned. And we had lovely chats. He is, as the photo below captures, quite the funny guy – when I’m not trying to strangle him, because he’s driving me crazy.
Mobile games bring out the worst in him and make him a raging, cussing and disregulated asshole. I say that both seriously and with loving humour.
It truly is so embarrassing to sit through a child constantly screaming, “Fuck you stupid bitch“ to a screen – or at us! – because a stranger in an online game had the nerve to kill him when the objective is to kill each other. 😆
Oh, how I miss the days of Paw Patrol, Magic School Bus and Peppa Pig.
So we limited mobile games to our room, where yes, there were disregulated moments. Life is not about perfection; we’re all a work in progress.
While T did overall well at the resort, he had a full blown meltdown at the airport during boarding the flight on the way home yesterday.
I’m still processing the incident and will reflect on this in a later post, as it’s still raw and tender, but it’s a reminder to focus on the big picture and the many happy memories instead.
And T had so much fun, was so relaxed, slept so well and we let him sleep in late each morning.
His favourite memory was encountering three feral cats on the resort grounds.
He was so gentle and kind to them that they warmed up to him. The hubby and T took some canned tuna – shhhh – from the resort buffet and fed the cats on a twice daily basis.
Another highlight for our animal-loving and potential future vet was taking photos with tropical birds!
When our bright kid heard that a toucan was on the grounds, he took this box of Froot Loops cereal with him for his photo.
He had a big beaming handsome smile in the photos with these beautiful parrots below.
On our last night, T cried for quite some time, because he was sad to leave the feral cats. He was worried they would not be taken care of and die.
I reassured him that other guests will take care of them just as he had during our stay.
We were up early this past Sunday and left the resort at sunrise for the airport.
While we waited for our airport shuttle to pick us up, T and the hubby went for one final walk in the resort to look for the cats and say bye.
I’m excited to share that a podcast I worked on has launched!
The Exceptional Caregivers Life features real and compassionate conversations about the highs and lows of caring for individuals with disabilities and complex needs.
Created by Surrey Place’s Family Advisory Council and hosted by members Liz Phipps and Wendy Robertson, our podcast features stories of successes and challenges – of finding joy, hope, humour, respite and community to keep going on a journey that is often hard, exhausting and isolating.
Our pilot season features lived experiences with caring for individuals of all ages with autism, down syndrome, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, Emanuel Syndrome, medical fragility and other complex needs.
Listen to our trailer:
Listen to Episode 1: Finding Your Community
Free time is almost non existent in my life, but volunteering for the Family Advisory Council the last two years has been rewarding.
It’s a way to give back to Surrey Place, an amazing organization that has helped our family and T with incredible services since he was 18 months old.
And it’s a way to do my part to advocate.
I took a behind-the-scenes project lead role for the podcast because I saw it as a creative challenge and a great way to help advocate for T, FASD and the disabilities community.
Stories create awareness, empathy and inspire action. I am hopeful our podcast will do our part to contribute to the larger whole.
It was a joy working with fellow council members to brainstorm ideas and outline episodes, with production company Lead Podcasting on recording and post production, and with Surrey Place’s marketing team on the communications plan.
I also appear on a later episode this season, “Feeling Gratitude in Your Hardship.”
I learned a lot through this project – and got to exercise my journalism and communications muscles.
But the core reason I took this challenge on was T.
Every bit of awareness and advocacy for FASD goes a long way. I’m just one person but I know every contribution makes a difference.
I hope you tune into our podcast and if you do, let us know what you think! 😊🙏
We all need recognition sometimes, as it boosts confidence, motivation and self esteem.
It’s Sunday night and T is taking a bath while I’m relaxing with the Oscars.
They just handed the first award to Kieran Culkin for Supporting Actor and he gave a joyful speech.
Oscars night has changed since my 20s when friends would come over to watch it together.
I thought about my dear late friend Jenny, who was one of those who came every year.
In my 40s, it’s a solitary experience, because I’m passed out by 9 pm. Good thing for PVRs!
There’s something fun about watching the Oscars and seeing people win and be lauded.
When I was in my teens, I’d daydream about winning for Best Screenplay and would practice my speech in the shower.
There is something affirming about being recognized for a job well done, especially if that recognition is from your peers.
The hubby proudly displays my Grade 9 Math Trophy at home and points to it when he wants to get out of doing math homework with T. 😂
When I think of T, a bright, kind, funny child with learning difficulties because of ADHD and FASD, I wonder what the academic journey holds for him.
I worry about how challenges and frustrations may erode his confidence and self esteem.
Thankfully, with the right supports in place, T has experienced successes despite ongoing challenges.
We celebrate his wins – like his first A on his report card – because all of us, especially children, need to hear ongoing positive feedback.
On Friday, amidst a busy day at work and the shitshow at the Oval Office, the hubby and I received lovely photos from T’s child youth worker.
T received a recognition award for demonstrating the character trait of Fairness.
The photo showed him holding his certificate, standing in front of a large TV with a description of the award up on the screen:
“Fairness begins with a genuine sense of equality – treating everyone with respect, playing by the rules, and keeping an open mind whether we’re working or playing together. When we nurture this sense of fairness, we help create a classroom community where each person feels valued and balanced opportunities are shared.
Throughout this month, certain students have stood out for their strong sense of fairness. Their honesty, empathy, and considerate actions have ensured that all classmates feel respected and have equal chances to succeed.”
Oh, what a proud moment for us. We asked his CYW to tell him how proud we are and we made a big deal when he got home that night.
His certificate is now up on our fridge.
The truth is that us caregivers also need these wins, because it can be an exhausting journey.
But most of all, it’s about wanting to see our kids shine and feel good about themselves.
Judging by the big handsome smile on T’s face, as he holds his certificate of recognition, he is feeling pretty good about himself! 💕🙏
Pictured at Top: Climbing a tall structure at an indoor adventure park at his classmate’s recent birthday party.
It turns out our sweet T has burgeoning skills other than driving me batshit crazy.
I say this with love and fondness. 😇
I recently watched the documentary “I’m Tim,” about the rise and tragic loss of EDM artist Avicii, whose upbeat music T and I enjoy.
It struck me how supportive his parents were of his creative pursuits from an early age.
STEAM (science, technology, engineering, arts and music) has gained significant traction in education in recent years.
It resonates with me, because of its pragmatic nature and focus on hands-on learning and creativity – which align with T’s style of learning.
Repetitive worksheets? A struggle for T to complete.
Hands-on learning through building, experimenting, creating and play? He gets fully engaged for lengths of time, impressive when you consider his ADHD and FASD diagnosis.
It’s also nice when T finds productive ways to get off screentime, which brings out the disregulated worst in him.
T’s very supportive Child Youth Worker at school, who’s been with him since Grade 2 – he’s now in Grade 4 – has gifted him sketchpads and T often gets in a drawing mood for hours.
Get your mind out of the gutter and keep scrolling.Here’s Santa!I love his Daddy, Papa, T art.Here’s another. 💕
The hubby and T recently both got into Legos.
My cousin, T’s Uncle J, gifted him a Super Mario Bros piranha plant Lego set for Christmas.
It’s a 540-piece set recommended for 18+ builders and my first reaction when T opened the gift was, “Are you trying to kill us?”
I imagined hundreds of Lego pieces thrown all over our home and T having meltdowns out of sheer frustration.
But it ended up being a wonderful perfect gift. T surprised us with his focus, working on it over a few days over the Christmas break.
The kid was so excited to show us the finished product and all the hubby and I heard, as he was walking up the stairs, was a loud crash.
Yup, the poor guy dropped the plant and the petal top shattered into pieces.
Oh the meltdown! 😂 Oh the “I fucking hate Lego” screams through the tears. 😂
But thankfully, the nice thing about Lego is that they can be rebuilt.
We thanked T’s Uncle J for this thoughtful gift by sharing a pic of the rebuilt finished product.
This melted bead art set was a gift from the hubby and I, as I learned on Christmas morning when T opened it. 😂
Similarly, I had visions of beads strewn all over our home. But it’s something T enjoys working on in daycare and he enjoyed working on it at home.
His designs are quite creative!
Screaming at me for snapping this photo of his unfinished art. 🤭
This Marble Run build set was a gift from T’s Grandad and Grammy – and it’s very cool.
T wanted to open it on Christmas Day, so I opened the box and sorted all the different parts.
Then quickly lost motivation to figure it out and wanted to take a nap instead. 😆
But this kid figured it out all on his own and regularly spends time constructing his own marble run courses, without help from the manual.
I love seeing the creative courses he comes up with.
I love seeing him fix his course, through trial and error, when something doesn’t work as planned.
It really is the best kind of learning and he is so engaged.
This was a recent course he built that the hubby and I thought was really cool.
The FASD caregiving journey teaches and reminds me everyday to take a strengths and interest based approach to learning with T.
He is bright and capable. Yes, he has and will always have challenges with learning.
But learning happens in all forms and magic happens when we find the things that truly pique our children’s interests and build on their strengths.
Who we lean on during the hard times. That is the definition of family.
A few days after T’s birthday party, I got quite sick. Fever over 40 and after a day sitting in Emergency, I was prescribed antibiotics for pneumonia. Yes, twice in less than two years. Fun!
During the four days I was bed-ridden, the hubby took good care of T and I.
Even T laid off the profane language and sarcastic name calling. He was a sweet pea.
As I started to get better, I joked with T, “Are you still going to be nice to me when I get better?”
I could see he was having a crisis of faith. He said quite earnestly, “I don’t know!” 😆
We had a snow day on Thursday, absolutely walloped by snow, and schools were closed.
The hubby and I worked from home and at the end of the long work day, T gave me this lovely art he had created while I was working.
It cheered me up and I gave him a hug.
I often think about how much the three of us lean on each other.
True, the hubby and I do a lot of work to support T. But T also plays an important role in being our support system too.
T has been talking about his mom the past few weeks.
He is aware that she is unhoused and that she’s battled – and may still be battling – addiction.
He told us he wants to take care of her and that if he were to meet her, he would throw away all her alcohol and drugs.
“I will give her nutritious food, like milk, yogurt, carrots.” He said it with such conviction I couldn’t help but smile.
Children have such an innocent view of the world and I want to treasure these moments before T becomes an adult in the blink of an eye.
This past weekend, in addition to a second snowstorm, we celebrated Valentine’s Day on Friday and Family Day today and sandwiched in the middle is the anniversary of when our adoption was finalized in court.
I love that this annual tradition will always unfold in this symbolic sequence for our family.
10, double digits, how is this possible?! It was just yesterday that he was learning to walk, we had just started potty training and I was counting with one hand the number of words he could say.
T had his first-ever birthday party on Saturday at Skyzone Trampoline Park.
I’ve often felt guilty that we never got to do a proper party for T. The pandemic then my sister and mom’s deaths at the start of the last two years made it hard to plan one.
This year, the hubby and I were determined to make it happen.
We were nervous no one was going to come, as we’ve read heartbreaking stories of neurodiverse kids being devastated during birthdays.
So we let T know to hope for the best and to be ok if it was just the three of us celebrating.
Things worked out amazingly!
T celebrated with 18 kids from school, daycare and his foster brother. With parents, his foster parents, grandparents and us, there were nearly 40 people celebrating T’s big day. 💕
Saturday started off with swim lessons.
His grandad joined us and it was nice for him to see, for the first time, T in action. We learned that T was moving up to Level 7 in the Spring. 💕
SkyZone ended up as the perfect venue. 1 hour of play at Noon then pizza, nuggets and cake at 1. Then everyone had to GTFO.
I loved seeing the kids sitting, eating and chattering amongst each other. It was nice to meet them and their parents.
Prior to the party, we spoke with T about being a good host and to spend time with each guest.
My heart filled with gratitude as I watched T smile bashfully and with appreciation, as the room sang Happy Birthday.
He stood between the hubby and I and held our hands as I said a few words of thanks. Then I asked T if he wanted to say anything.
“Thanks for coming to my party and celebrating with me,” he said.
T wanted a Sprunki themed cake; it’s what’s in with the kids these days.
After everyone left, one of his friends and his dad stayed behind for another hour and a half.
This Grade 4 student was new to the school and a kid that gets along very well with T.
Speaking with his dad, I learned the kid has ADHD and dyslexia and his older brother is autistic. The classmate is on an IEP and medication.
I openly shared T’s diagnosis and our journey and as I watched our kids play together, I felt that they were brought together for a reason.
T received a lot of presents, even though we asked parents not to bring presents.
As I watched T open them at home, I thought to myself that every child deserves at least one amazing party in their childhood.
So we soaked up the moment and the excess and smiled with gratitude.
I spent last week looking at old photos and so many fun memories and adventures from the last nine years. Each stage had moments I wish I could bottle up forever and tough lessons that made me a better person.
Parenting is not easy. Layer a complex diagnosis such as FASD on top and some days can be very challenging.
I am thankful for our son and every moment spent with him. He’s made our lives richer and meaningful. I look forward to the memories and milestones in the decade ahead! Puberty, stinky armpits and feet, birds and the bees, adulthood. 🫣
2025 is the year of lean. This includes leaning into activities that bring me joy and comfort, like cooking.
The hubby and I also want to be leaner with our food expenses.
While we are budget conscious, we can do better at eating out less and getting Uber Eats takeout, which we do out of convenience in our busy lives working and as special needs caregivers.
Cooking is a hobby I picked up during the pandemic and it’s one I still enjoy when I have time.
I get inspired by bloggers and influencers – and have a long list of recipes I will never get through.
One of T’s New Years goals, as he told his teacher before the break, is to learn how to cook.
I had suggested to T that we’d start a weekend cooking club so he can start working on his goal.
He’s helped out numerous times in the past, but he has yet to take me up on the cooking this year.
I’ll keep trying!
Helping brush egg yolk on a strawberry rhubarb pie at age 5, in the early days of pandemic lockdown.
In the meantime, here a few of my recent cooking therapy adventures, which have brought me enjoyment, comfort and momentary respite from the daily grind. 😊
I like to cook with ingredients I’ve never used and fennel was an item I always walked by the supermarket and didn’t know what it was.
This chicken fennel barley soup was comforting to make! I cooked it soon after The Heart of the Matter ladies’ engaging podcast chat about soup. I encourage you to listen!
I saw this Persian cucumber salad on an Instagram influencer’s feed and had to make it.
The flavour combination of cucumber, avocado, dill, lemon juice, fresh feta and toasted walnuts was refreshing.
Served with roasted chicken thighs.
We eat salmon once a week, as fish is lean and healthy. I usually air fry it as it’s time efficient on busy work and school nights.
I made this simple salmon fried rice as I wanted a change! 😅
This crispy pork carnitas was so simple to make!
I’ve just started to explore Mexican cuisine and look forward to trying beef barria ramen soon.
I couldn’t find pickled red onions in the store so I topped our tacos with leftover feta in our fridge.
I haven’t made gochujang chicken in a while and the hubby was craving it and I had leftover gochujang in the fridge.
It was a simple and nice pantry dinner!
Sichuan boiled fish is a dish I’ve wanted to make for a while. It looks fancy and I love spicy food. It was fun to demystify this dish by making it.
I used tilapia but you can also use haddock, cod or catfish.
I love sundried tomatoes and made baked sundried tomato chicken for dinner tonight.
If you have a favourite recipe or enjoyed making a recent recipe, please share it in the comments! I’m already hungry and dreaming up my next cooking adventures! 🤗
A weekend in December gave T his first taste of a beloved childhood tradition.
As a parent, I wish for T to enjoy all the common childhood experiences, such as camping, birthdays and sleepovers.
He had his first “sleepover” two summers ago at his grandparents’ cottage. He slept in a tent outside with his Aunt and cousin, while we slept inside.
We recently reconnected with his foster family, after a four year break during the pandemic.
His foster parents kindly offered to take him for the weekend, when T’s extra curricular activities winded down.
They took such great care of T in his first year of life before we adopted him and we gladly took them up on their offer, as it also allowed T to spend time with his foster brother – both of them pictured at top at ages 1 and 3.
Sleepovers were a fun tradition for me when I was T’s age, spending summer and holiday weekends with my cousins.
There are precious memories associated with sleepovers and I was glad T was going to experience this.
As his foster family live an hour away, we met up halfway with his foster dad and brother at a hardware store parking lot.
His foster dad gave us a few garbage bags of hand me downs T’s foster mom packed for him.
Nothing suspicious at all about three men exchanging a young child for garbage bags in a parking lot. 😂
His foster dad told us to relax and not worry.
I joked out loud, “We’re changing our names, address and phone numbers after you leave.”
The boys were excited to meet up.
As we watched their car drive away, I felt sad, because the hubby and I had never been separated from T the same time like this before.
But we also recognized this was a rare gift of respite and time to ourselves and we were going to take full advantage of it.
We went to the movies – Wicked, awesome and Ariana Grande is Oscar worthy – then dinner.
It felt strange coming home to a quiet house and not having to struggle with T at bedtime. But boy did I miss him so much.
Despite vowing to take full advantage of a night off, I passed out shortly after 9! 😂
It was equally strange waking up the next morning without T.
“It feels weird not being called a fucking bitch or to shut up during breakfast,” I told the hubby.
We had an entire morning of quiet relaxation. I savoured my coffee, reading, relaxing. Then shortly after lunch, we made plans by text message to meet up with his foster family for pickup.
I jokingly replied to their first text, “Who is this?”
T had a great time during his short visit. His foster dad took the boys to the movies, Moana 2, then they played at home.
His foster mom said T did great, had fun, was very polite, helped tidy up and the boys played well.
She asked what his new liquid medication was and without skipping a beat, I said, “Holy water.”
It’s called Amantadine, in case you thought I was serious.
We said we’ll plan to do this again and we thanked them for this wonderful experience for T and for giving us a break.
When we got home, T told the hubby that he had a lot of fun but he felt bad for leaving quickly and not saying bye and giving us a hug.
So he stood on the couch and gave his daddy a big long hug.
Art is healing, inspiring, a form of self expression and for caregivers, a glimpse inside their children’s thoughts.
Before Christmas break, T’s teacher sent home his fall school work, which included his journal.
This past week, I started reading his daily journal entries and they are a delight.
I remember my very first journal, a yellow notebook Mrs Smith gave me in Grade 3, and we had 15 minutes every day to write in it.
Journal writing became a favourite activity, through to Grade 6, and I easily filled the pages.
It helped me discover an early love for writing and I keep those worn journals in storage.
In contrast, writing has never been an interest for T, so it’s nice to get a look into how he expresses his thoughts.
I love this one above about him wanting to be a doctor (typos edited):
“The job I want to have is a doctor. I want to be a good person and save people. So they’re not in danger. So they’re not sick. So they feel better again. I want them to feel healthy and so they are healthy. I want people to have a long and healthy life with their friends and family.”
I read the above on Tuesday, the day before Ma’s 1-year death anniversary. She’s always wanted a doctor in the family – and maybe her 蔡安禄 (T’s Chinese name) will make her wish come true. 😊
Then there’s this lovely one below, titled “Helping Others” (typos edited) showing us his caring heart:
“I can help someone by standing up for other people that are being bullied by others. If someone is pushed down, I can help them up. If someone is hurt, give them some ice and tell a teacher. If someone is alone, play with them or talk or even tell what’s wrong or also walk with them too. I can also help if they are sad. You can help them feel better by telling about their feelings that will make them feel better.” 🥹
This one below (typos edited) about what he thinks is the hardest job in the world made me smile.
“The hardest job in the world is a fisherman, because they have to wake up very early and go to sea. They have to catch thousands of fish to sell it to stores. They have to sell enough fish to pay their bills and to pay their boats. They have to also pay their workers.”
Glad to know T understands basic economics! 😆
I am diligent about keeping T’s work over the years – writing, artwork, tests, etc.
They are priceless and capture moments in time and his incremental growth.
Looking at his journal entries made me think about the pandemic years of virtual schooling when I nearly institutionalized myself when teaching T how to print letters using an app called Handwriting Without Tears (oh, there were many tears) and the year after when he started to learn to write simple sentences.
T’s penmanship needs improvement. Is he writing at grade level? Probably behind. But we are moving at his pace – and that’s ok.
Like an archaeologist tracing the evolution of society through uncovered artifacts, T’s invaluable school work helps us trace, celebrate and preserve his journey and growth – and gives us motivation and hope about what are yet to come.
Photo at top: T’s melted bead art created using a bead art set received for Christmas. More about this in a future post.
One of our goals for this school year is to help T build positive peer and social relationships.
These are often cited as challenges for individuals with FASD for reasons that include dysmaturity, regulation and impulsivity.
As kids with FASD get older, research has shown they often want to fit in and this could make them susceptible to negative influence.
I can see this emerge in T. His teacher and CYW tell us he is well-liked in school but maintaining friendships can be a challenge.
So we want to get ahead of these issues.
On a school night in late November, we welcomed a volunteer from a dog therapy organization whom we first met at a family event in 2023.
I had reached out to the coordinator to see if T could be matched with a mentor for monthly visits.
The young volunteer lived nearby and he has a young Yorkie named Rocket.
This visit to our home was a test run to see what the chemistry would be like between T and Rocket.
The hour-long visit started off well with T calmly playing and petting the dog.
As the hour progressed, T got increasingly excited and tried to get Rocket to chase him, and the poor pup withdrew and became quiet.
We could tell this was going to be a one-time visit and sure enough, the coordinator let us know a few days later she will look for a different match.
I shared a few suggestions: find a dog that is calm tempered to contrast T, weekend visits as T is often “done” at the end of a school day, shorter visits, and if possible, find an FASD-aware volunteer.
Such is the life of special needs caregiving. You try things – some work, some don’t – and you move on.
In early December, the hubby, T and I met with a coordinator from Big Brothers Big Sisters, a leading mentorship organization for youth 9-17.
I had submitted an application at the suggestion of T’s CYW and we were asked to come for an in-person intake meeting.
It was the end of a school day and T was a bit testy but I didn’t mind, because it was good for the coordinator to see T’s entire self.
He started by interviewing T for 30 minutes.
He asked T if he knew what a mentor was going to do with him.
T replied, “He’s going to spend time with me, so I don’t have to bother my parents.” 😂
He also asked about T’s interests and T maintained his endearing candor.
Favourite school subjects: “Math and recess.”
Most important people to him. He pointed at the hubby and I. 💕
The coordinator then interviewed the hubby and I in another room, while T played by himself.
We spoke frankly about our hopes and goals and the ideal mentor, including someone who is FASD aware.
At the end of the interview, we went back to the other room and T had tidied it up on his own.
What a nice impression to leave off on.
A week later, we completed a mandatory online orientation session and were then advised we are officially accepted into the program!
And now, we wait for T to be matched with a mentor, which could take a few months to a year.
Ideally, we can begin the mentorship during T’s Grade 5 year this September, which will be his final year in his present school, the pivotal transition to middle school.
If we are matched, we would commit to a one-year mentorship and T would meet independently with the mentor for two hours every week.
These initiatives take a lot of admin work and can feel draining to do on top of work and our other extra curricular activities.
But the hubby and I see the value of mentorship on T’s longterm development and it’s why we persist, experiment and hope for the best.
T participating at a horse therapy program hosted by Surrey Place’s FASD Caregivers Program at the CARD Stables in late November. The owner said T has noticeably improved since his first visit the year prior.
Photo at top: T playing with a new kid at a horse therapy program organized by Surrey Place in late November.
My Life With T 