My Life With T

Making the Hard Decision to Medicate Our Child for ADHD

I’ve avoided this for four years. But this week, the hubby and I face an important decision in our 5-year-old’s journey: medication.

We adopted our beloved T four years ago – feels like an extra year in there with this pandemic! – and shortly after, he received a prognosis of at-risk fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD).

Thanks to this prognosis, we became quickly well versed in early intervention services, such as speech therapy and behaviour therapy, which have made a world of difference on his development.

We could not be more proud of how far T has come.

But T continues to struggle with a few key challenges, which became apparent during lockdown the past three months: hyperactivity, attention deficit, impulsivity, and emotional regulation.

Since his prognosis from Surrey Place, a wonderful organization that works with individuals with intellectual and development disabilities, T has been monitored by a developmental pediatrician every six months.

We had a check in with Dr L this week. In attendance were T’s teacher, principal, and behaviour therapist.

We encouraged them to speak honestly.

Everyone was in agreement about T’s tremendous progress. But everyone was forthcoming about his challenges.

Prior to the appointment, the hubby and I and T’s teacher completed a SWAN assessment separately. It’s a tool used to assess possibilities for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

While ADHD and FASD are two different conditions, many FASD children receive ADHD diagnosis, because they exhibit the behaviour and associated challenges. This behaviour was blindingly obvious in T at an early age.

After the discussion, Dr L brought up whether or not the hubby and I wanted to consider medication for T.

I have been so torn about medication for several reasons.

I’m not a medical professional nor expert on medication. The following are simply my honest thoughts as I struggled and continue to struggle about this over the last four years.

I worry about the side effects I’ve read about on online forums – such as sleep issues, loss of appetite, triggering emotional issues such as rages, anxiety, depression, etc.

I worry about how medication will affect his long term health.

I worry medication will make T into a zombie and we’ll lose his special and fun personality.

T’s birth mother continues to struggle with addiction and I worry that medication will open up a gateway to drugs for him.

There’s a part of me that feels that T has made so much progress, let’s give him a fighting chance and see how he will do in senior kindergarten without medication.

Part of me feels that we’re taking the easy way out with medication, like we’re conceding defeat, raising and waving the white flag, and that we’re not even trying.

I worry a lot that we are going to fuck things up big time for T by putting him on medication.

We want what is best for T and what will help him reach his life potential.

I will always say this: T is a child with great potential and challenging needs.

He is smart and bright, so so bright. An incredibly caring person. So tenacious, determined. Funny as hell.

As his parents, we want to remove barriers for him so he can maximize his time, learning and growth – and not waste time by all the distractions that lure his mile-a-second moving mind.

This is how we’ve always moved forward – what is in his best interests.

Dr L gave us a medicine decision tool and we told him we’d get back to him soon.

The hubby has been wanting to do this for a long time. I wanted to wait.

I know where we are headed. I just have to take a deep breath and take a leap of faith.

The great thing is that this is not a one way street and point of no return.

There are options. There are opportunities to course correct.

I just need to take a deep breath and proceed as I’ve always done in life… long before T came into the picture… and certainly now with T.

Believe that things always work out the way that they should in the end.

Deep breaths…

Our Budding Little Baker

Learning comes in all forms, as we’ve learned from homeschooling in lockdown. Making a no-bake keylime pie with T reinforced lessons in measurement, chemistry and having fun!

The hubby enjoyed the strawberry and rhubarb pie that T and I made last week and asked us to make this no-bake keylime pie recipe from A Million Moments.

The ingredients were simple to gather and the prep took only a few minutes. Then I called T over and we got to work.

What I enjoy about baking with T is that it teaches him about completing a project from start to finish and that he can then immediately see and enjoy (hopefully!) his work.

Baking teaches him about measurement and that different ingredients combine to create something magical, so we get simple math and chemistry in there too!

The prep work in baking, like crushing and spooning graham crackers into mason jars, helps T work on his fine motor skills, which we knew early on would be an issue he needs to work on.

I love that T is learning to use basic tools like an electric blender. We make sure he wears his noise-cancelling headphones as he has heightened noise sensitivity.

T is still very young but it’s never too early to teach him to take a little pride in presentation. This is the hubby’s area of fussiness… I mean, expertise. So I let him lead.

And of course, we have to remember the most important part of baking and learning is to have fun… and lots of whip cream.

We Can and Must Do Better

Like many others, the horrifying murder of George Floyd weighed on my mind this week.

Since we adopted T, I often view and process news and events through the eyes of being his Papa.

I often think to myself about how I can protect T from the horrors of the world while he is young, how I can educate and prepare him to face these horrors when he’s older, and how I can ensure he contributes positive things to the world and helps combat these horrors.

I will never – thankfully – experience the inequities that black people have faced simply for the colour of their skin.

There was something enraging this past week in seeing how some politicians and individuals have reacted to peaceful protests. Those in power focused on the separate group of looters and used that to distract from or try to discredit the larger issue: a broken system that continues to allow black people to be subjected to police brutality.

Like the pandemic, I am glad that T is young and innocent and oblivious to these injustices. But unlike the pandemic, which will pass, racism is deeply rooted in our society and it’s going to take more than a vaccine to eradicate it.

I don’t have all the answers to give T nor do I even know how to talk about something like this with him should he ask me about it today (the Sesame Street video below helps a little!).

As he gets older, starts noticing differences and asks questions, I will need to be prepared.

To do that, I need to do my part to ask questions, to listen and pay attention, to speak up, to not be silent, and to better educate myself.

And the hubby and I will teach T to do the same.

Because we all can and must do our part to make things better.

Magical Colours and Ingredients in Our Garden

T and I made our first strawberry rhubarb pie thanks to the garden lovingly nurtured by the family who lived in our home for over half a century.

We are the second family to live in our late 1950s side split. The home is old and we are slowly fixing it up over time but the bones are good.

The best part is the garden, so lovingly cared for in the family’s lifetime.

This is our second Spring here and it’s been so calming to spend time in the backyard and watch the rainbow of colours emerge the past few weeks.

The mesmerizing purple of the checkered lily (pictured at the top) and many other purples, oranges, yellows, pinks and blues.

We learn to be present because the moments are so fleeting, like the white cherry blossoms, which we enjoyed with delight during a recent week.

The garden has been a Godsend during this pandemic, because it is a space for T to run around in and burn his energy.

Now that the weather is warmer, our family enjoys spending time outside. We miss the public pool so much and so we set up our backyard sprinkler to give T a taste of the water park.

The unexpected delight has been the crops the family planted – which yield wonderful ingredients.

We never took advantage of these perennial crops last year, but this year, we were prepared.

We used these wonderful chives as garnish for a recent chicken congee that I made.

And we harvested this lovely rhubarb today to bake my first ever strawberry rhubarb pie, using this wonderful recipe from In Diane’s Kitchen.

The best part is T helped out. Because we are taking advantage of every opportunity during lockdown at home to turn into a learning moment – whether it’s getting him to help out in the garden or with cooking and baking.

We never have T’s attention for very long – but in the short moments that we do have him engaged, he does such a great job.

This pie was baked lovingly together with my sugary sweet little boy.

I am thankful he saw the process from the ground up – literally, seeing the rhubarb we harvested to the pie coming out of the oven. Having T appreciate hard work and see the fruits of his work is so important for us to teach him.

The hubby worked hard in the garden in the late afternoon, planting new vegetables like beans and carrots, while T ran around outside with him. I baked the pie inside and T came in to help.

While we waited for the baked pie to settle, the hubby cut T’s hair and mine and then I cut his. We’re all getting showered now before enjoying dinner and then the dessert.

This was a wonderful way to end our weekend and we look forward to seeing what other delights – and learning and bonding opportunities – will bear fruit from our garden.

Learning About Social Skills and Friendship From His Cats

It took four years and a pandemic but the Cold War between our hyperactive and loud five-year-old son and his skittish fur siblings has thawed.

T and our two cats, Kyrie and Lanaya, had a rocky start. We adopted the cats, both at 1 year old, in 2015 and T came into our lives and in our tiny condo in 2016, at 15 months old.

The two cats hated him at first sight. They found him loud and hyperactive – and stayed under our bed all day, only coming out at night or when T was in daycare/school.

Even though we’ve lived in our larger home for a year now, it is still very much an under-the-bed existence, which has increased exponentially with T and us in lockdown.

Social skills are important developmental milestones for kids with special needs.

For kids with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, of which T has an at-risk prognosis for, being able to relate to others and understand social cues are often a challenge.

Among my worries during this pandemic is T’s lack of interaction with other children and missed opportunities to build social skills and friendship during these key developmental years. This anxiety is exacerbated when the hubby and I have busy work days and T is left to his own devices.

During moments of boredom and loneliness, T would go to our guest room and lie down on the floor at the entrance, resting his cheek on the floor so he could have a good look under the bed, where the cats would sit quietly, glancing back with apprehension at their little tyrant.

Then I had my eureka moment: the cats would teach T about social skills during the pandemic.

And so our daily routine began. Every day, T and I visited the cats every few hours. When I didn’t feel like it, he’d plead with me, “Just for one minute. It will make me happy!” How do I say no to such a heart-wrenching guilt trip like that?!

I’d lie on the floor across the length of the bed as T’s human shield – he insisted, after Kyrie hissed and swatted at him – and T would lie behind me and poke his head over to look at the cats.

Immediately, Kyrie would growl and hiss at him, while Lanaya laid next to him making nervous grunts. T would hiss back and bang the floor with his hands.

I’d repeatedly tell T to stay calm and be gentle or the cats were not going to be his friends. But my advice would be deafened by his loud hyper rebuttals.

This would go on for a few weeks. Eventually, T learned to simply peek his head over my leg quietly and to look at the cats and tell them in a soft, gentle and quiet voice, “Hello… hi guys.”

Then T learned to bribe the cats with Whiskas treats. He’d throw the treats under the bed nervously, afraid that Kyrie would charge towards him. Lanaya was a sucker for treats and she’d eat them all, including the ones for Kyrie.

T finetuned his strategy and targeted his charm offensive towards Lanaya, eventually getting her to come to retrieve a treat.

One day, she smelled T’s hand and licked it. T got so excited that he went from 0 to 60 in no time, scaring Lanaya back under the bed and breaking whatever progress he had made.

The hubby had the brilliant idea to take out the cat toys that he had put into hiding after T came into our lives: a red pointer light and a cat wand.

With T next to me, I waved the cat wand. Like instinct, Kyrie came rushing out and swatted at it. He realized T was in the room and retreated under the bed.

I then turned on the pointer light and Lanaya started swatting at the red dot until she saw T and also retreated.

While the victory with the toys was shortlived, it sparked a new angle for T to pursue. Several times a day, he would ask me to go see the cats – with the cat wand in hand. He started by sitting on the bed, trying to lure the cats out with the wand. It worked at first until the cats caught on.

Then T would lie on the floor and poke the cat wand under the bed, swatting the cats. I would get angry and tell T to stop and pay attention. “Do you not see Kyrie and Lanaya going away? That means they don’t like it.”

Every day, I would emphasize to T a few key words – because it’s important to keep instructions short and clear with kids like T: stay calm, be gentle and be patient.

The breakthrough happened last weekend.

On Saturday night, it was way past T’s bedtime and he was beyond tired. He insisted on playing with the cats. I took the cat wand away after he refused to stop poking the cats under the bed with it. He sat on the ground and cried.

Then Kyrie came out from under the bed and started meowing at him. T stopped crying. I whispered to him to stay calm and to extend his fist out – like I’ve taught him the past few weeks.

Kyrie slowly approached him and sniffed his hand and then rubbed his head across T’s palm.

T opened up his hand and proceeded to pet Kyrie on the head.

In anticipation of T revving up from 0 to 60, I told T to stay calm and be gentle. And he listened. T and Kyrie played together for a few minutes and then I told T to go to bed.

The next morning, I thought the breakthrough would be shortlived, but again, Kyrie came out from under the bed and allowed T to pet him and play with him.

And this scene repeated itself every day this past week.

Last night, the hubby, T and I were lying on T’s bed watching videos on our phones when Kyrie came in the hallway and meowed at us. We convinced him to jump on the bed and T gently petted him.

This breakthrough is such a big deal, because it teaches me that while it sometimes takes double the effort to teach T something, he can and does and will learn.

And just like you can teach a dog new tricks, you can teach our T and his fur siblings how to co-exist and to even get along with each other.

School is going to be out for a while longer, so the cats will continue to have to be T’s main source for friendship and interaction outside of the hubby and I.

There will no doubt be more twists in this saga, but I can only expect things to be mainly positive from here on out, as T matures into the wonderful caring little man I know he will become.

It’s All About Perspective

For today’s home learning activity, we gave T a magnifying glass and went for a nice walk to look at ants and the beauty of nature up close.

T has been learning about ants for school this week. His teacher gave us a series of online books and videos about ants, fictional and factual.

One story, Hey Little Ant, taught T about the importance about respecting all living creatures, even the small ants.

I also taught T that ants are able to accomplish a lot through team work and hard work.

We were blessed with a warm and sunny weekend. We had a nice walk around the block with the magnifying class.

Wait till he learns that he can burn things with this!

It was so enjoyable to see T so engaged in his activity, holding the glass right up to flowers or ants on the ground and pressing his eyes close to the glass to examine each object.

It was the best return on a $1.50 investment at the dollar store for fun and interactive learning.

During our walk, T asked if he could see the germs that’s been keeping us at home with the magnifying glass. I told him he’s going to need a much stronger device to do that!

But it did make me smile warmly and feel good inside to know that the wheels in his head are turning and asking these kinds of questions!

Bonding Over Video Games With My Son

I’ve unlocked another fatherhood badge: Playing video games with my five-year-old T.

For all the worries that I have about the learning gains that T may be missing out on while in lockdown, I have full confidence that he is excelling in digital literacy skills.

Last weekend, T pulled up a chair and plopped it next to his chair at our dining room table – which has been doubling as our work and study spaces – and asked me to sit and play Sushi Slicer with him. My heart just soared. My little boy wants me to play video games with him.

It is mind-boggling to think about all the video gaming options available today – console based, online communities, mobile apps, and more.

I grew up loving and owning several Nintendo consoles and had a big affinity for role playing games, because it allowed me to immerse myself into fantasy universes.

I don’t game as much these days, because work and parenting consume my life. I enjoy more simple puzzle or word-based mobile games when I do have time.

As a parent, you often romanticize your childhood and dream about introducing things you loved to your own child. I often thought about how fun it would be to game with T.

I was reluctant at first to introduce gaming, because I knew about screentime limits (which we’re far exceeding these days!) and because T already had hyperactive behaviour at times. But the 10 weeks that we’ve been in lockdown has changed my mind.

Here are a few reasons why gaming is awesome for T:

· Kids Learn Best Through Play – T’s amazing teacher introduced many incredible learning games that has allowed T to learn about math, shapes, letters, reading, science, social studies and art in the way he learns best: hands on, interactive play. The learning games on ABCya! are amazing.

· Kids Learn That Rewards Are Earned – I’ll always remember the excited scream from T a few weeks ago when he got a high score on Sushi Slicer and he asked me to look at his high score. The screen displayed an “Improved” badge and he was so proud.

· Kids Learn About Perseverance – The nice thing about video games is that if you die, you can try again. And if the game over, you can start from the beginning. There’s been several times when I’ve been on a work call and T would scream and I’d explain to a colleague he hit the bomb on Sushi Slicer. I’ve turned these into teachable moments and explained that it’s ok to fail but it’s important to try again. It’s been awesome to see him repeat these messages when he stumbles.

· Kids Build Digital Literacy Skills – It’s incredible to think that this kid has figured out my password and how to log on my tablet and navigate to his gaming websites by himself. Technology is key to daily life today, so T is building important skills while playing.

The Papa and T bonding time is the best reason for gaming, if I do say so myself!

T enjoys having me sit next to him and watch him play Sushi Slicer.

I can sense his pride when he gets a good score and knows that I watched him earn that milestone. I enjoy watching him play and get excited when he is nearing the possibility of beating his previous high score. We cheer loudly and hug each other when he earns a high score.

I love that when T finishes his turn, he lets me take a turn – turn taking was something we worked so hard on over the years – and I get such a kick when he coaches me with advice. I love that he wants me to beat his high score. Sportsmanship and teamwork – what more can you ask for?

I look forward to the day when I can introduce console gaming to him and turn him into a Nintendo fan. I can’t wait to play a Mario game together or to dive into and lose weeks of our lives immersing ourselves into a Final Fantasy or other RPG game.

Life is most enjoyable when you are having fun together and games have been a wonderful catalyst for T and I to have fun together, while learning, growing and bonding.

Saying Thanks For Things I’m Grateful For

T’s teacher gave a wonderful assignment that asked T to watch a video explaining what gratitude is and to create a thank you card for something he was grateful for.

The hubby and T worked together to create a simple card (pictured below) and T said he was thankful for the playground, even though it is closed these days.

T gave me the card and said thank you for taking him to the playground and the sentiment made me happy, especially since I was in the middle of a busy day at work.

The global COVID-19 crisis has impacted everyone in different and difficult ways. I’ve certainly written about its impact on my family as we self isolated the last nine weeks.

It is so easy to slip into negativity, as I find myself wandering towards when I’m having a hard day, and I’ve always found gratitude is a helpful remedy in reframing my view of a situation.

So I’m doing T’s assignment and sharing my list of things I‘m grateful for these days:

The cherry tree in our yard is in bloom.

I’m thankful my loved ones and myself are healthy and stable and this is something I remind myself of every day, especially during the moments, and there sure are many of them these days, when I’m having a hard time dealing with this all.
The gift of concentrated time with my family is the most wonderful thing in this situation. Being able to wake up and ease my way into the day with my family, eating meals together, going for a walk during work breaks with T, and getting a more focused front row seat to T’s incremental growth.
The invaluable supports we get from T’s teachers has made the challenging tasks of T’s schooling less painful. The detailed and daily lesson plans and varied activities, our daily video check in calls and our weekly class hangout have all helped in keeping T learning each and every day.
Community supports from the Surrey Place and Community Living Toronto are helping our family cope. We have regular check ins with T’s behaviour therapist. I speak and purge every few weeks with our child psychologist. The wonderful staff from both organizations email us frequent tips and resources for T.
Amazing colleagues and collaborators have inspired me with their adaptability and ingenuity during this pandemic and have made the challenge of simultaneously working, parenting and schooling from home less painful and even fun!
Having a roof over our heads is something I will never take for granted, especially when I think about how home and food security are even more of a concern for so many during this crisis. I’m thankful we moved into our home a year ago that has the space and a yard for T to run around and burn his endless energy.
I have amazing friends, some of whom I have known for nearly three decades. Seeing their hopeful updates or humourous rants on social media, communicating with them on messaging apps, or my Sunday afternoon Zoom calls with my junior high friends all help in reminding me that we’re all in this together, for better or for worse.
Finding unexpected humour in the absurdity of life right now like when T farts out loud while I’m on a work call or when I’m unknowingly singing the SheRa theme song out loud in the shower while the hubby is on a work call are moments we never had in normal times. And I love these spontaneous moments of laughter.

The resilience of nature reminds me that even in somber times, nature prevails all around us. Beautiful white cherry blossoms (pictured above). The purples, oranges, red, yellows and greens popping up in our garden. The beautiful colours and songs of birds – cardinals, goldfinches, blue jays, orioles – in our yard. Even the yellow dandelion-covered field behind our home all remind me that there are bright spots in our world that counter the darkness. We can refocus our gaze towards them.
Everyone who is working hard so our family can stay home. Healthcare workers, grocery store and restaurant workers, public transit workers, and those demonstrating tremendous initiative in mobilizing the community to help those in need. This list is long and every one of these individuals are heroes and awesome in my eyes.
Being able to relax a bit. While I feel a lot of stress, parental guilt, anxiety and scatteredness these days, I do get to sleep in during the work day, take naps on weekends and stay up later, because I don’t have to sleep at 9 like I used to. I use the additional time to watch TV (a luxury for me!) and I’ve been enjoying the reruns of Y&R and watching childhood favorites and introducing these movies and shows to T.
The hubby has been my rock through this all. We’ve certainly been getting on each other’s nerves and have been very testy at times with each other. But it’s because we are both dealing with a lot. I’m thankful we have, for the most part, worked very well as a team and keeping one thing in mind – T’s best interests. He’s been pulling insane hours at work, staying up till 1 or 2 am every night, and so I’m thankful he has a week off work this coming week to rest.
And lastly, our lovable pest, T, continues to teach us so much about life and ourselves. He is the number 1 source of our stress these days, directly and indirectly, because he is at an age that requires so much hand holding. But he is also the number source of our joy. He’s made so many gains during this pandemic and it’s been a pleasure seeing them up close. Seeing his young imaginative mind work, like when he made a game out of avoiding the dandelions in the open field (pictured at top) like they were land mines, fill me with amusement and happiness.

That list above is by no means a complete one. But I feel better having spent time on this quiet exercise – even telling T to leave me alone and him actually listening!

I acknowledge that despite the challenges and frustration I feel, I am in a good spot and I’m not dealing with hardships many others are. I remind myself – and try to teach T in a way his young mind can understand – not to take the positives in our lives for granted.

Whatever you are dealing with and wherever you are right now, I hope that you are and that you can stay well and take good care.

Lessons I Learned About Parenting from Ma

They say that children are always watching and learning from their parents.

One memory I have of Ma that has made a lasting impression is from when I was a teenager and Ma came home and told us she was unemployed.

For context, my parents lived in the Philippines where I was born and spent the first eight years of my life at.

We were a working class family. My parents had school administration jobs they loved and were respected in their circles.

Although Ma was the principal of the school that I attended, she made sure her kids worked hard and were not given special treatment by her staff.

In hindsight, I now realize how stressful and difficult that following year must’ve been for Ma when she didn’t have her job. My family scraped by with Ma’s tutoring job – she tutored the children of her grown up students from the Philippines. Pa was already retired.

My parents sacrificed a good life to come to Canada in their middle age, so their kids could have a better life here.

Then a year later, Ma got a job as a bank teller. It was not a glamorous job, but she got up every day and went to work to support her family.

It was the job that allowed her to accumulate savings to buy a house. It was the job she worked until her retirement and I am thankful she can now enjoy the fruits of her hard work.

I am blessed to have a comfortable life, thanks to the foundation my parents built for their kids.

As a parent, I am facing a different set of challenges that my parents did not have: raising a wonderful boy with great potential but who has challenging special needs.

When I think of my Ma, I think about what I learned from her growing up, the three key lessons I take forward as T’s Papa are:

Be resilient
Be tenacious
Have a work ethic

These are the life lessons I also hope to instill into T, through leading by example, as he grows up to be the wonderful young man that I know he will become one day.

To all the moms, moms to be and caregivers near and far, wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

To Our Son’s Birth Mom on Mother’s Day – Thank You

Every Mothers Day, T’s teachers create crafts with the kids to take home to their moms. As T has two dads, the hubby and I alternate giving the craft to our moms every year.

We know about T’s birth mother and it is a story we are prepared to share with T when he asks us about her one day.

All I will say is that it is a sad story and one that is not uncommon when it comes to children that are adopted.

When Mothers Day rolls around each year, I think about T’s mother. This year, I especially think about how she is coping during these challenging times. And I wish her well.

We do not know each other nor do we communicate. We do send her pictures of T through social workers every year around Mothers Day and Christmas.

My feelings for T’s mom are a double-edge sword. I do not know her but I do know that it is because of her actions that T will be dealing with very hard challenges his entire life.

Specifically, T’s mother drank heavily. In T’s medical history, it is reported she claims to have drank for only the first three months because she did not know she was pregnant. She also reported using heavy drugs like crystal meth throughout her pregnancy.

It is because of T’s medical history that he was given a prognosis of at-risk Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder at age 1.5 and it has haunted our family for the last four years as we await for him to be old enough to be formally diagnosed while we observe tell-tale behavioral signs emerge the last few years.

It is so easy to blame the birth mother but I do not want to, as angry as I feel at times about how avoidable FASD is. I believe that most people do not intentionally set out to harm their child.

If I were ever to have a face-to-face conversation with T’s birth mother one day, I‘d say thank you.

Thank you for giving life to our beautiful, sweet little boy. He is the centre of our family. For all the challenges and tears we face as his parents, we can’t imagine life without him.

I‘d say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that she had a very difficult life and that she continues to have a difficult life.

I’d tell her that the hubby and I will do everything we can to ensure T has a good life and to avoid a similar journey as hers.

And lastly, I’d tell her that T is a happy, caring, funny, energetic and bright child who wakes up every day like it’s a blank slate and gives life his hardest try.

Because every mother, every parent, no matter how lost they are in the world, wants the peace of mind knowing their child is doing well.

And we are so thankful that, despite some of his ongoing and most likely lifelong challenges, T is doing well.

“Papa, you’re my hero.” – Heartfilling Moments In Isolation

I feel worn down from this self isolation marathon and on some days, it is hard to remember the many positives.

What I find so difficult is this unsustainable balance to work and take care and school our T. Two very different full time jobs compressed into time allowed for one.

The level of anxiety, guilt and scatteredness I feel on a daily basis is overwhelming. I try to focus on the tasks, because there is no use complaining as it wastes the already little time and energy I have.

“Grateful to be alive, healthy, employed and have a roof over our heads” is often my go-to reminder that we are blessed. But even saying this on some days feels forced when I feel so fed up.

But then I look at T, our happy go lucky five year old sweetheart who has a cheerful and innocent outlook of the world.

Our T has a prognosis of at-risk FASD and individuals with FASD, for all the challenges they face, also have a spirit of tenacity. As T’s school youth worker tells us, every day is a new day for those with FASD.

No matter how hard the previous day was, no matter if our evening ended with tears, T wakes up every morning with a smile and cleared slate.

And I am so grateful for that.

For all the hand holding T needs to stay focused on a task – it wouldn’t surprise us if he gets at least an ADHD diagnosis – he is so attuned to our emotions.

When I sprained my left leg two weeks ago and I felt crippled and was bedridden for a weekend – and the mind feared COVID-19 – T showed genuine care and empathy. He calmed down and came into my room to ask how I was doing with a genuine look of concern on his face.

A week or so ago, I sat on a chair in our living room and rested the back of my head against the wall and closed my eyes. He sat next to me. I told him I was tired. He disappeared for a few seconds and came back with a cup of water for me. I gave him a big tight hug and kiss on his head.

We started our evening family walks again. As he often does, during a recent walk, he got tired by the end and asked the hubby to carry him. He then leaned towards me and wrapped his left arm around my neck, his right arm wrapped around the hubby and gave us both a tight squeeze as we walked the final steps towards our home.

On a recent Friday afternoon, after I had packed my work away, T and I were putting our shoes on to go for a walk. Out of the blue, he said to me in a soft sweet voice, “Papa, you’re my hero.”

After the long week that I had, I really needed that. I gave him a big hug and told him that he was my hero. And he really is.

It’s hard to believe it’s only been eight weeks that we’ve been in self isolation. I am so worn down from this gauntlet of work and child care that it’s sometimes hard to put into perspective just how fortunate we are to be healthy, employed and together as a family.

For all the anxiety, guilt and scatteredness that T often causes, he is the one that puts everything into perspective for me.

The hubby took him out for a walk this recent Friday afternoon. T took the opportunity to do six continuous front rolls down the hill in the field behind our home.

Watching the hubby’s short but amusing video of the incident later put an important lesson into crystal clarity for me: When the world feels upside down, do what T does – just roll with it and you will eventually find yourself right side up again.

The Magical 5th Cow

I don’t think I would’ve been a good math teacher.

Third try at a simple addition question:

Me: “How many cows are in this box?”

T: “2”

Me: “And in this box?”

T: “2”

Me: “How many cows are there together?”

T: “5.”

Me: “Where is that 5th cow?! Show me!”

On a chippier note, four years ago this Monday, the hubby and I met our sweet little boy at his foster family’s home. That photo above was from that fateful first meeting.

It was love at first sight.

We had only found out four days earlier – out of the blue, after a seven year wait – that we were matched with a child. Then 10 days later, he moved in with us for good.

I sometimes long for the days when every problem could be solved by shoving a bottle of milk in T’s mouth – maybe it’s being milked from that fifth cow!

But I would not trade the sweat & tears – there sure are lots of tears these days – for anything. Not even a magic cow.

Self Care in a Pandemic for the Special Needs Parents

The one thing I often half joke about is that T can have a full blown meltdown without consequences, while us adults have to be more dignified about our emotions.

Well, midway through this week, I had a grown up meltdown. My bottled up stress of the pressure to keep up T’s schooling, my work, to deal with T’s meltdowns and regression around simple things like potty training burst open like a dam wall.

I said some things that should’ve been left unsaid and retreated to my room for the evening and told the hubby he’s on his own.

The one thing only a special needs parent will truly understand is how hard parenting a special needs child is. Every victory is celebrated and every struggle is emotionally, mentally and physically taxing.

I’m a big proponent of self care and have always made time for it. But in a pandemic, self care takes on a new meaning and challenge when your physical world has significantly shrunk; ditto your time and capacity for personal time.

Even though it’s been seven weeks in isolation and I don’t have all the answers figured out, here are a few ways I’m thinking about self care:

Make Time for Yourself – As hard as it is, I try to carve out time in each day for myself. It could be as simple as retreating to my room for peace and quiet on my phone, to go for a walk by myself, or to do groceries or to the dollar store to find supplies for the coming week.
Be Forgiving of Yourself – These are anything but normal times, and the faster one accepts that, the pressure to get it all right can lighten.
Try to Find Laughter – I found this video, through a parenting webinar, of a mother of four losing her shit over distance schooling her kids. And it made me feel better just laughing with tears coming down my eyes of someone else suffering a worse fate than I am. We are in this together, parents!
Find Exercise or a Hobby – I miss the gym and I wish I had not thrown out my two free weights when we were decluttering before our move. But I find other ways to exercise, like going for walks with T. I also try to keep busy with hobbies like cooking.
Rest, rest, rest – In this pandemic, I feel like every minute requires two minutes worth of energy, because that’s how much is being demanded of working parents. So I make sure to get lots of sleep and nap during the weekends. It helps reset me for the next day.
Leverage this Gift of Time – Work on a home project that you’ve never had the time to do to help take your mind off things. We spent this weekend putting up photos, finally, one year after moving into our home. It was nice to take a walk down memory lane, revisiting photos of furry friends no longer with us that have been sitting in storage and caked in the dust for the last year.
Find Something to be Grateful For – As hard as it feels to do this on some days, expressing gratitude helps re-focus and re-centre me. My family is healthy, I’m still employed, I have amazing family, friends and colleagues, T’s teachers have been superb supports, T is making daily progress despite driving me up the wall. Once I start listing these things in my mind, I find a calmness sweeps over me.

To all parents and non-parents – special needs or otherwise – this is a very hard and challenging time. I’m not even sure if there’s an end in sight yet. So I hope everyone continues to take good care and stay well.

It was nice to spend time putting up family photos this past weekend.

Sharing A Little Love, Hope and Cheer on Our Windows

We started drawing art on our windows to share cheer and positive energy with our neighbours.

We used washable markers that we ordered from Amazon and got the idea from a neighbour down the street.

Our time and energy is admittedly all focused on T and our work, so we don’t get to focus more outwardly. So we want to do something, even if it’s more on the symbolic side, to pay it forward.

We drew the outline of the shapes and got T to help fill in some of the colour. He got bored pretty quickly after one shape, but hung around to watch us finish.

It’s very important for us to convey to T just how lucky we are to be healthy and safe.

I asked him why we wanted to draw these pictures and what we want our neighbours to feel when they see the art.

And he said, “So they can feel happy.”

Okay, so the sun I drew looks like a giant coronavirus and not quite what I had in mind. Sigh. The rainbow and heart turned out better!

We’ll keep adding to our mural over the coming week. Gotta pace ourselves before we run out of things to do with T!

Oh and here’s a chuckle. T wanted to draw Santa. I told him no, because I didn’t want him to jinx how long we have to stay inside!

Homemade Bird Feeders to Help Our Backyard Friends

We’ve reached the point in the pandemic where we’re now coating pine cones in peanut butter.

Jokes aside, these home-made bird feeders were a nifty craft idea suggested by T’s teacher and he worked on it with the hubby last night while I got some personal rest time for myself.

During last night’s walk, we picked up a few pine cones. T coated them with peanut butter and bird seeds. We then hung them on the trees in our backyard.

They now provide additional nice options to our bird feeders.

I like that this activity helps T to think about helping others, in this case, our backyard friends.

And if self isolation extends beyond June, look for an update post where I coat myself in peanut butter and seeds and offer myself up to the birds.

Homeschooling in Quarantine – Finding Our Groove a Month Later

In my prayers the last year, I often asked for T to get the one-on-one school supports he needs to thrive.

God, I should’ve been clearer the one-on-one support wasn’t meant to be the hubby and I in a pandemic. Devil is in the details!

We‘re now five weeks in and things are mostly well at a high level. The hubby and I have mostly found a rhythm to get through each day.

Learning about the different states of liquids.

We divide and conquer T’s schooling within pocket of time during our day and thus our own work extends into the evenings and weekends. It’s not like we have anywhere else to go!

Having T’s teacher support – second week now – has been a godsend. His schedule of activities and our daily check ins help us so much.

The dollar store has been a lifesaver to find supplementary activities and I now understand why teachers have endless rolls of stickers. They’ve been a great incentive for T to do worksheets. They also give me a nice weekly mental break. Yes, I now go to the dollar store to get some time to myself!

We started a home garden project. T helped plant tomato, cucumber, radish, carrots, sunflower, etc. into starter pots which we’ll move to our backyard in May. I’ve watched lots of zombie movies and just being extra prepared in case the undead start to rise!

Jokes aside, I still find this all so hard. But I’m letting go of the small stuff and focusing on the big picture, our wellbeing and on this once-in-a-lifetime – better be once-in-a-lifetime! – gift of time with my family.

And what a gift it’s been to see T blossom over the past few weeks. He’s completing the worksheets now, he’s sitting longer on our daily video chats with his teacher, and he’s adapted well to this new (lack of) routine.

This is all so hard, I know, and I hope you are all taking good care!

Stickers are a great incentive, I’ve learned!

Discussing Feelings and Building Empathy

“You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself.”
– John Steinbeck

For all the anxiety and exhaustion our little T often causes us, one consistent strength we can always count on is his caring nature.

Last summer, during an after dinner outing to the playground, an older boy, who must’ve been nine or 10, got stung by a wasp.

He started crying. All the other kids started running away from the playground & one over-the-top kid screamed, “Everyone stay away from there!!!” Cue big eye roll from me.

T stopped peddling on his tricycle and kept staring at the boy from afar.

I explained the boy got stung. T saw the boy standing by himself, so he got off his tricycle and went into the “danger area” while the older kids stood around the perimeter.

The boy’s mother arrived. She was upset and told me the boy’s friends dared him to disturb a nest.

The entire time I was talking to her, T had his hand on the boy’s back. He had a genuine look of worry. Remember, this is a hyperactive kid who can’t sit still or focus on one thing for two seconds. He then hugged the boy!

I still remember this moment so vividly. Almost a year later, I’ve been thinking about this moment as families around the world are self isolating.

The hubby, T and I are in constant contact 24/7. This means there are inevitable moments during the day when one of us loses our cool or we get on each other’s nerves from the stress of being confined in our home during a pandemic.

I was not raised in a household that talked openly about feelings. When a parent lost their cool, there was never a talk about what happened. You just moved on.

Our sweet T has a prognosis of at-risk FASD. One common thing about these kids, according to the research, is they often lack social cues to navigate in a social situation and it may affect their ability to have lasting friendships.

That makes me sad. Very sad. But there’s always reason to feel hopeful with our T.

In the four years we’ve been a family, I’ve observed strong caring qualities. For every moment he pushes our buttons, I can think of many more when he’s expressed care, like when I’m lying in bed sick or when he asks one of his parents to apologize to the other for making them upset.

One of my favourite memories is when we made our first visit to his future daycare when he was not even two years old. There was a room full of crying toddlers and T walked up to one of them and hugged them!

There has been a lot written about empathy and how to build it. I am not an expert, but one thing we try to do in our home is to talk openly about our feelings and thoughts, even those that may not be positive.

I’m often the one lying in bed with T after bedtime stories and we take the time to talk. He’s 5, so these are not deep conversations.

But I tell him about my day. If I had a good day, I’d tell him why. If I had a not so good day, I tell him and I add that it’s ok to have not-so-good days. You learn to move on and you do.

Similarly, when I get upset, I try to talk about it after. I ask him why he thinks I got upset.

Mind you, we’re not always successful. We’re humans. But I like to believe these conversations make an impression.

Now that we are homebound indefinitely during this pandemic, building empathy and understanding is even more important.

We see each so much that losing our patience or cool is inevitable, especially with a child with challenging qualities like T.

I remember one recent difficult night. It was past 10 and T was still up. I just had it and lost my cool. I retreated to my room in a huff. A few minutes, I hear a light knock on the door and T walked in. “I’m sorry I made you mad,” he said quietly and then reached out for a hug.

I was still pissed off but by the smile on his face, he knew he did well. And how could I stay mad for long at that?

Easter and the Resiliency of Nature

“The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.”
– Robert Jordan

It has been a long week. But we get a reprieve from the insanity of simultaneously working and parenting from home with this four-day Easter long weekend.

The big change this week was T’s teachers are online and we are so glad to have their support!

T’s teachers give us a daily list of literacy, math and fun activities to do and it’s reduced the prep we need to do and T loves them.

We’ve played connect the dots (to 100) and counting games, learned about sight words and T is sounding out more words, made a spaceship and homemade tattoos & did more child labour, I mean, life skills.

We have short daily video calls with his teachers and it’s helping things feel more normal. We’re going to try a chat with his classmates next week. The teacher says it’ll be a shit show. Actually, the term he used was “gong show” but we know what he meant! T’s class is a gang of misfits and we can’t wait for the comedy!

As we told his teacher, we’re hanging on by a thread. It‘s still challenging to balance our work with T. Each day is not a consistent routine and it throws T off. But the hubby and I are getting better and we’re cutting ourselves more slack. No need for perfection, just need to get to the end of the day.

We spent a relaxing and quiet Good Friday at home. I mean, where else would we be?

We introduced T to the movie Home Alone and he loved it. He laughed out loud numerous times.

We also dyed eggs. We bought plastic eggs to be animal friendly but the dye didn’t stick well. So we sacrificed one egg for T to see what it was supposed to look like.

After dinner, I stood by the kitchen and enjoyed the calming glow of the setting sun as it cast a mesmerizing glow over the backyard.

The perennials are starting to poke out from the ground. The dull dead dark tones from the last few weeks are slowly being erased by greens and colourful accents.

I also reflected on the meaningful symbolism of Easter; of sacrifice, death, love and resurrection.

Nature is resilient. Through the death of winter and the hope of Spring. Everything passes. Through hardship, nature endures and blooms once again.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Easter long weekend and please continue to stay well and take good care!

Cooking & Finding Calm in Isolation

“Life itself is the proper binge.”
– Julia Child

Cooking is something I enjoy. I’m not artful at it, but I like to try to new recipes or to recreate childhood comforts.

In the three weeks that we’ve been in isolation, I’ve been cooking more.

It brings me calm to be in the kitchen silently chopping up vegetables, seasoning meat, seeing ingredients mix in the wok, or watching a stew thicken and bubble in the Instant Pot.

We’ve also been including T in making simple kid friendly recipes. He is a fussy eater and I’ve read that getting kids involved in making their meals provides an incentive for them to try it.

And it worked! He normally doesn’t like meat but we made pigs in the blanket and he ate not one, but two hotdogs!

Here are a few recipes I made in the last while. I’d love to hear about the recipes you suggest to get through this period of isolation.

Congee is an Asian style rice porridge. This chicken congee recipe was so easy to make on the Instant Pot and it was great. I enjoyed it with boy choy and kimchi on the side and some chili oil (very top image).

It wasn’t until about two years ago that I started to like Brussel sprouts after seeing a Laura Calder recipe on her French cooking show. Let’s be honest here, everything tastes better with bacon! Seasoned lightly with pepper and rosemary salt.

We’ve been even more mindful about using the ingredients that we have at home. Scavenging the fridge one day, I found red peppers, mushrooms, green onions and then some frozen cooked lobster meat our in laws gave us at Christmas. With a little bit of rice, two eggs and vegetable oil, I made lobster fried rice!

Hakka Kau Yuk – aka pork belly and taro – is a delicious and hearty comfort food. There are many easy-to-make recipes, like this one for the Instant Pot.

We’ve been making a lot of Instant Pot stews – beef, pork (above), chicken. Gonna try a turkey stew next with frozen turkey parts in our freezer. They’re so easy to make and so comforting during these uncertain times.

I made this Kare Kare dish – Filipino ox tail peanut stew – before this pandemic became very serious. It’s one of my favourite dishes growing up and this was my first time making it. I plan on making it again and making a few tweaks to the recipe that I used.

Fried eggs are one of my comfort foods. I like to have the edges be extra crispy and the yolk half hardened. For the portion above, I added drops of leftover butter chicken sauce. Gave it a nice Indian twist!

And the best part of cooking in isolation is finding ways to get T involved. He’s helped us bake cookies, make pigs in the blanket, and I introduced him recently to the sweet joy of homemade chocolate milk!

It’s nice seeing T help out and show enthusiasm and ability. I’m looking forward to seeing what else we’ll make together in the weeks to come.

Focusing on Wellbeing and Family Time During Self Isolation

“In times of test, family is best.”
– Burmese Proverb

Three weeks & several meltdowns later, we’re finding our groove with this stay/work/school at home 24/7 without killing each other thing.

We’re accepting things are not business as usual & letting go of the pressure to keep things as such.

As scary & uncertain as these times are, I acknowledge we’re getting an unprecedented gift of time to spend together as a family.

Three weeks together, with now an additional 12 weeks – at least – to spend concentrated time together, for better or for worse.

It’s the simple things I am so thankful for: Sleeping in and waking up next to T, who climbs in bed in the middle of the night. We eat together. We’re experiencing in-depth big milestones, such as T sounding out words, showing interest in numbers and counting, and learning to tell time.

When else would I have a work arrangement where I get to take breaks with T & go for a walk outside, do a learning activity, or just hang out?

This mini trampoline has been a great investment.

We’re better at giving each other quiet time & space for work & rest.

The hubby, T and I have set up shop in our dining room and we each have a section of the dining table for work, learn and play. Sometimes, we are on top of each other. Like the other day when I was on a work call and T farted loudly next to me and I had to convince my colleague it was not me!

The biggest shift for us is letting go of the pressure to stick to a rigid homeschool schedule. It was stressing me out and we had more than a few fights and meltdowns over this.

We still do lots of learning, creative, fitness & family activities with T every day. Instead of a rigid homeschool schedule, we use a checklist of daily goals and we get to them in however way we can. It’s been way more fun & less stress.

We’ve done scavenger hunts where T surprised us with his memory skills and his letter and word recognition. We’ve done kitchen science experiments like making slime, a baking soda volcano and a homemade lava lamp.

We incorporate chores as part of his learning. Who knew child labour could double as a life skills class? T’s helping put laundry away, rake leaves, and cook simple meals. He shows great enthusiasm and ability.

One of the best lessons I learned is that learning also comes in organic ways. Like T getting an impromptu science class when he found a caterpillar while doing yard work with the hubby outside. Now that’s hands-on learning that a textbook can’t provide!

These are valuable memories I will treasure when we all emerge from the other side of this dark cloud. And we will.

I think about how the world has changed in just three weeks. You feel the heavy anxiety, stress, fear and paranoia. I think about how our collective mental state will be after this isolation.

This is why it’s so important for me to focus now on T’s well-being and our family time rather than this need to keep things business as usual. Things are not status quo and we need to acknowledge that for the sake of our children’s well-being.

T is eating candy on a weekday? So be it. He’s still up at 10 pm? Not gonna stress over it. He’s being more defiant than usual. That tells me he’s anxious rather than being purposefully willful.

There’ll be time to course correct all of this later.

T found a caterpillar while helping do yard work!

There are so many reasons to feel anxious & stressed these days. I certainly feel these emotions every single day.

But there’s also so much to be thankful for, including being healthy & able to stay/work at home. I know others, such as health and other essential workers, do not have this luxury. I’m gonna try to focus on the positive things, because there’s still a very long road ahead.

I hope you are all continuing to stay well & taking good care!