As social creatures, we yearn for connection and we thrive when we have psychological safety.
This was the key takeaway from a virtual talk by FASD expert Nate Sheets I attended during a recent caregivers group get-together.
I’ve followed Nate’s work for a while but it was my first time attending a live talk and I’m thankful to Surrey Place for organizing it.
Kids with FASD struggle with emotional regulation and quickly escalate into fight or flight mode – their brain set on fire.
In these moments, traditional parenting teaches us to discipline. But it’s the equivalent of throwing gasoline into fire and views the behaviour as disobedience rather than an overwhelmed child struggling to cope.
The point Nate made that resonated with me is that when we create psychological safety for our kids, it minimizes moments when they get disregulated. To do this, we must find moments each day for connection.
When it’s spelled out like that, it’s suddenly bloody obvious, isn’t it? After all, success in life, personal or professional, is about relationships.
To our family, we find simple ways to connect:
- Making time for play, like Everest time; even a few minutes before T gets ready for school.
- Hobbies like swim lessons with the hubby and leisure swims at the community pool with me.
- Treasured routines like hugs before T walks out the door or standing on the steps and waving goodbye as T drives off with one of us.
It’s about trying to make challenging tasks fun.
Homework is often triggering for T but he’s come a long way with sitting down each night to complete his work.
Lately, I’ve taken to roleplaying as his favourite stuffed toy Moo Moo to practice for his end-of-week spelling test and to do his other work.
He now insists Moo Moo does homework with him and not me – often pausing to give the cow hugs and kisses before carrying on.
It’s so absurd and cute – but hey, it works! 🤣
Connection is more important now than ever as T grieves a significant loss: his Ama.
He sometimes bursts into tears at night about how much he misses his Ama.
During these moments, we sit and silently comfort him as he lets out his tears and thoughts.
Walks and hikes are other simple but effective ways to build connection. T thrives in the outdoors and it helps regulate him.
During a walk this Saturday morning with the hubby, they explored graffiti under bridge tunnels and encountered a furry pal.
Kids with FASD exhibit challenging behaviours. But they are also often very empathetic and caring.
We see this every day in T, who tries hard to find connection with other kids.
My heart aches when I see or hear about his struggle with friendships – and it soars when I see him succeed.
Setbacks build character and resilience and we will never give up in helping T build connections.
Today is Valentine’s and T has homemade cards for his classmates, teacher and CYW.
He worked hard over three nights on them, spending probably more time than needed on each card, thoughtfully drawing a nice photo in each.
We even took him out of daycare early yesterday so he could have more time to finish them. 🤣
Moo Moo was on hand for moral support.
My Life With T 
It was nice of T to make those Valentine cards with Moo
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Yes, he put a lot of work into them. Moo Moo was a great helper.
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How wonderful that you keep learning more and more about FASD and the best ways to deal with a child with FASD. Human connections is important to everyone, so it does make sense it would benefit T, and other kids.
I am sorry he is struggling with missing his Ama, they had a strong bond. So thoughtful that he made Valentines Day card to his classmates and teacher. What a sweet loving boy!
Blessings!
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Those are some fancy elaborate Valentines! And, goodness, I love Moo-Moo and that T sometimes pauses to give the cow hugs and kisses. Super duper sweet. Petting the orange kitty is also darling. 🙂
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Thank you! He spent a lot of time on them and it just shows what a big heart he has. 💕
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Finding those ways to express and connect are so hard to find yet so rewarding when they take hold. Wonderful wonderful parenting. ❤️
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Thank you, Gary. It is hard indeed but oh so rewarding, as you said, when it all clicks. 🙏
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You brought tears to my eyes talking about T’s Ama and for you as well Ab. I admire you for how you keep learning more and more about FASD and you seem to walk away with something new every time. That little boy has no idea how lucky he is to have a dad like you! The effort T put into those Valentine cards is amazing. I don’t ever remember either of my kids making homemade cards for the class!
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Thank you Diane. T is such a caring kid with a big heart. Sometimes his disability guides him down towards detours and mischief but we know who he is at his core. 💕 I think next year we’re going to get T to do one master card and then just copy it and have him personalize just the message to save time. 😆
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It is super sweet to hear that T got really into making homemade cards for Valentine’s Day. He’s such a thoughtful kid. You and the hubby have certainly done a wonderful job of creating a supportive and loving environment. Have a wonderful Family Day long weekend!
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Thank you Linda! He is a thoughtful kid indeed. Hope you enjoy your first Family Day weekend with M!
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T is one lucky kid to have the parents he has! And I love his relationship with Moo Moo!!! Many hugs to you all!
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Thank you Jill! We are the lucky ones and we do love our Moo Moo too. 😆🐮
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It’s a long journey, but I’m glad along the way you celebrate wins, big and small, and reflect on the moments when you and T tumbled. Having FASD or not, every kid needs to have healthy connections with other people, and it’s very heartwarming to hear that T has been improving on this matter.
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Thanks Bama! We have our parent-teacher interview later this morning and feeling optimistic going into the call as he had a good report card sent home last night. 😊 Enjoy the almost weekend over there. Long weekend coming up for us over here!
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Oh, I love all the work T put into his Valentines. That’s so precious! Boy, it’s a big production isn’t it?
This sentence really resonated with me, “When it’s spelled out like that, it’s suddenly bloody obvious, isn’t it? After all, success in life, personal or professional, is about relationships.” Oh yes. And the ups and downs are hard to witness.
Love this peak into how you connect with T. So incredible! Happy Valentine’s Day, my friend!
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Thanks Wynne. Yes, it certainly is a big production! 😆
As parents, and I know you can relate, we really feel their feels – for better and for worse. The hard moments make us appreciate the good ones.
Hope you and the kids enjoyed Valentine’s too. We had way too much sugar over here!
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Well done Ab. Great advice for other parents with children with FASD, but even more I think it’s great for other parents who aren’t familiar with it and can help their own children in understanding reactions. I read this line — “My heart aches when I see or hear about his struggle with friendships – and it soars when I see him succeed.” — and my heart ached. I can only imagine the highs and lows. Thanks for giving us a glimpse!!!!
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Thank you Brian! As I said to Wynne earlier, we certainly feel it all as parents. And that makes the parenting journey both unpredictable but also wholly rewarding. 😊
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Oh how I love all of this, Ab. I’m not familiar with Matt Sheets – so thanks for the link. I’ll take a look. I had a conversation with a parent recently and she talked about the epiphany she’s had with her son – that her desire to ‘fix’ is best sidelined so she can simply receive what he’s feeling and while it takes time and loads of patience, he’s calmed more quickly that way. Throwing out a dizzying array of ‘fixes’ or solutions seems right but adds gasoline – just as you described. Hugs and love to all of you – and Happy Valentine’s Day to T — and Moo Moo, of course! 🥰
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Thanks Vicki. Sheets’ work is interesting and he’s based in the US, closer to you than me, I think.
I agree with your parent friend that we often want to fix things when sometimes taking a moment to go through the feelings reaps more benefits.
Hope you had a lovely Valentine’s too!
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Same, same — hope you three had a lovely day. ❤️Appreciate the resource info — recommending Matt Sheets. Always learning. Xo! 🥰
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It’s so sweet how focused T is on crafting special cards for each his classmates. My heart just melts! My brother was very high energy as a child and he had similar focus when building with K’NEX or drawing architectural floor plans. 😂 I think there’s a lot of value in feeding and supporting those interests.
It’s also so wonderful that you find so many ways to connect. I know one of the highlights of my childhood was dinner with the family every night, where we talked about the highlights of our day. A parent friend recently shared her family does something called Rose, Thorn, and Bud, where the child (or all family members) share something positive, something negative, and a new experience from the day. I think that’s so neat, and I love hearing how family find their own unique rhythm and ways to feels connected to one another. What a wonderful, feel-good post to start my day. Thanks for sharing, Ab!
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Thanks Erin. His caring and thoughtful heart makes mine melt too, when he’s not pissing me off. 😆🤣
It’s funny you mention KNex cuz T just loves to build things and we got him a booster pack of magnet tiles for Christmas. I’ll have to do a post about his construction projects one day. He has a wonderfully creative mind. It must be a common trait for high energy kids like your brother and T!
Rose, Thorn, Bud is a great activity. We do this at work as part of lessons learned reflection exercises and I agree that it’s a very effective exercise. Will have to try it with T at home! 😊🙏
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As much as kids like T and my brother can be a handful, I think it’s a lot of boys! I just thought of a story I’ll need to write about. 😆🤣 But, also, most of them have big hearts and the best intentions.
That’s awesome that T enjoys building things! That was the only way to get my brother to focus LOL! He also like the Roller Coaster Tycoon computer game (though I think you limit screen time). In the high-energy boys I’ve known, they seem to have this strong overlap of creative and engineering-type thinking… building with design in mind. Keep feeding that interest. Not only does it distract them from annoying the parents 😆🤣, but those skills can also translate well into a future career, potentially.
That’s neat that you’ve done Rose, Thorn, Bud at work. I hadn’t even thought of doing it myself, but I might give it a try. If you introduce T to the exercise, I hope he enjoys it. 😊
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I’ll have to look into Roller Coaster Tycoon. T seems to enjoy exploring cause and effect and that game definitely reinforces that. You’re right it’s good to nurture the interests as it could lead to future career paths!
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What a gift for T, to have art to express his feelings and emotions. Likewise a gift for all the recipients of his love! I see a future filled with all sorts of artistic expression as being crucial to who T becomes as an adult. You and hubby better start thinking about studio and gallery space Ab 🙂
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Thank you Deb! I smiled at your gallery and studio space. Because our home is so so old and we haven’t but plan to renovate one day, we let our living room go to T and we tape up his art work on the wall (knowing it’ll all be repainted one day). I’ll have to do post one day about this and his love of drawing!
I also want to share that I tried to find a way to work in my daily love of the Connections game, which you introduced me to, but just didn’t find a way to do so. But it was part of the inspiration for this post!
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I love that T already has a studio! I just read a book about an artist (fictional) who worked with huge installation pieces of art. She had an entire warehouse so… that’s a lot of reno for the future 😉 So glad you love the game! I’ve been stumped lately on making logical connections but how about they use- Ab, hubby, T and art = LOVE for one of their puzzles? I’d ace that one 🙂
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Great Advice for those raising children with and without FASD. My grandson has ADHD and these strategies apply to him as well – Thanks, AB!
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Thank you Vickie! So many overlapping symptoms and approaches between ADHD and FASD. Life can be frenetic with our kids but oh so rewarding too!
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True words, my friend!!!!
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