We remind our little guy that he is stronger and braver than the monsters in his head.
During a recent Sunday morning, around 1:30, I was woken up by the hubby having a fit.
T had turned on all the lights in the house, downstairs included, and was up playing with his toys – because he was too scared to sleep.
The next morning, around 1:30 Monday, it was my turn to be flustered, because he was up again; this time, on a school night.
While T has always feared the dark, this was the first time it affected him to the point of getting up, turning on lights and staying up.
Sleep is especially important for those whose brains are on overdrive. We’ve been lucky T is usually a good sleeper, so this was concerning.
Fear of the dark is normal. Heck, I was 16 when I slept with lights on after watching The Exorcist.
But as Freddy Krueger in Nightmare on Elm Street taught us, the monsters in our mind feed on our fear. Facing our fear overcomes these monsters.
The monsters that adults fear are different; real monsters that cause harm to others or situations that render us helpless, be they health, relationship or finance related.
As a FASD parent, I’ve found myself in dark places.
The fears, real or perceived, can feel paralyzing. Fears that T would never thrive, be bullied or struggle with friendships, become a delinquent, or that FASD would destroy my family.
These fears are fed by reading and hearing about other caregivers experiences and encountering challenges myself.
Monsters often seem smaller when you face them – by learning more about FASD, building skills, finding supports, making time for self care and connection, adjusting expectations, and finding gratitude in our many wins.
During a recent counseling session, I received great advice.
Special needs parents often find ourselves like deers caught in the headlights. We focus on that blinding light that we forget to look around at all the good stuff around us.
As parents, we know fear of the dark is normal.
It can feel silly to us but for our young ones, their fears are very real.
So we try to validate T’s feelings and let him process them while helping him build coping skills.
It includes letting him talk and to understand what’s contributing to his fear. Is it a bad dream, a scary video, an incident at school, a symptom of grieving from recent events?
We installed night lights in his room and hallway, recognizing that getting him comfortable with the dark will require a transition.
Thankfully, the evening wake ups were shortlived, for now, and night lights are helping. It’s our goal to wean him off them.
I also gave T a second pillow and told him to hug it when he gets scared at night.
Then he asked, “Is this why you sleep with two pillows, Papa?”
Hey now. 😆
The blinds live in the dark and accept the dark. Accepting is a way they are able to move on instead of struggling in the darkest dark! 🙏🙏🙏
That is a very good point, Serena!
I love T’s question about your pillows! 😂
Great post with many insights. T’s been through a lot lately and recognizing the possible triggers for his fears is so important. My grandkids also sleep with nightlights plus sound machines! Glad the nighttime sleep schedule is getting back to normal!
Good morning, Vickie! Yes, the nightlights help a lot. Thankfully we haven’t had to use a sound machine yes because they would keep me up at night. The pillow comment made me laugh too! 😆
At this stage a child suffers from fears. I remember always failing to sit on the bed because I always imagined small beings under the bed trying to pull my legs. Thanks to cartoons 😏
Gotta love the things that movies and tv shows make us fear as kids! 😆
My grandson uses a night light that is a soccer ball and it changes colors. It even has a remote control so he can change the color from his bed, but it works for him luckily. What a cute comment by T about the pillows, he is so sweet.
The soccer ball night light sounds ingenious to me! I’m glad it works for your grandson. 😊 And yes, T is truly a sweet kid at his core.
Do with you on this. Even at nearly 17, still have those fears as a parent. But Hawklad has gone through those nighttime horrors. At one point I ended up sleeping on his bedroom floor for over a year.
Thanks Gary. I picture in my head so vividly you on the floor, with your Peppa Pig pillowcase. Jokes aside, this speaks volume for the deep love you show every day for Hawklad. He is a lucky guy. And those nighttime horrors are the worst indeed!!!
I am glad the night lights are helping. You handle fear, yours and his T’s with so much grace. You keep learning, growing, and inspiring us all! Blessings!
Thanks Ana. I think Grace is right word. I don’t alway it get it right in the moment but Grace is certainly the goal for the hard moments. 🙏
Love the Freddy reference! It’s very fitting as you’re right, most of our fears are in our head and they can give us tunnel vision. It’s great that you’re building a safe space for him to talk through his feelings and his fears. It’s a great way to demonstrate the importance of communication, but to also provide reassurance and support. Thankfully the days are getting noticeably longer!
Thanks Linda. Tunnel vision is a great way of putting it. Recent events remind me that this is a year when I want to also life with more fearlessness.
I do love the longer days too. And the return of the sun – like this beautiful Saturday morning!
Oh the insights…monsters are smaller when we stare ‘em down….and T’s powerful observation about self hugs and two pillows. He’s got eyes on you and I love it! ❤️
Thanks Vicki. He definitely is an observant and inquisitive boy! 😊
That last question from T! 😆 Although our fear can come from irrational places, I think some can actually be valid, and it’s important to acknowledge this. It’s important for us to understand what we have in our control to overcome our fear, but I can see why it’s equally important for parents to have a conversation with their children about what they fear. When I was little, I found clowns or any person wearing a full-body costume (where I couldn’t see their faces) scary! It’s good that T’s midnight wake ups were shortlived.
Yes, he has quite the sense of humour. 😆 Clowns are definitely scary and I would say more so now as an adult. 🤣 I’m glad too that the wake ups last those two nights only. Whew.
Hope you have a nice weekend ahead!
Have a great weekend too, Ab! We’re having a long weekend here in Indonesia since yesterday (Thursday).
Well aren’t you lucky! Enjoy it! 😊 Ours is coming up next Family Day weekend.
You two are such wonderful parent and he has been through a lot (as have you). It’s not surprising that he is going through some struggles. It’s great that the night light helps, and don’t we all need a second pillow!
Thanks Margie. He certainly has been through the wringer and despite it, he is doing mostly well. 🙏 I’ve always used a second pillow since I was a kid. Maybe it’s a generational thing passed down from parent to parent. 😂
I agree with Wynne, love how you meet T where he is at. Will definitely help him as he gets older. You write “Special needs parents often find ourselves like deers caught in the headlights” but you sure don’t act that Ab!!! You guys seem on the ball to me!!!!
Thanks Brian. Writing helps provide the reflection to reduce the glare of the headlights. 🙏
I love the accepting way that you meet T’s feelings and experiences, Ab. So good. But dang, I’d be flustered if I woke up to all the lights on and my kids playing too! Your observations about fears and what really is scary are so good. Here’s to a good night sleep for you all!
Thanks Wynne. I didn’t add that he also took the bottles in the bathroom and lined them up on the hallway. That threw the hubby over the edge of flusterdness. 🤣 Thankfully it was shortlived and let’s hope it stays that way!
Ha, ha, ha – Midnight Bowling! Some people pay lots of money to do that.
Hope you all have a great Friday!
It’s kind of sweet that T asked whether your sleep with two pillows because you get scared. I bet that helped normalize the fear (and the ability to overcome fear) in his head. I’m glad the night lights are helping.
Thanks Erin. He asks the right questions with quite the bluntness. 😆 But I am also glad the night lights are helping and the wake ups were short lived!
I love that T called out his Papa! Teaching T to face his fears is awesome Ab, and something so challenging to many adults that they never quite manage. You were very wise to question recent events as well. Seems a connection might be a part of the early morning sleep issues.
Thanks Deb. He is definitely a curious and insightful kid! 🤣 I do think his grief is contributing to these other issues but thankfully the wake up nights were short lived!