The Gift of the Redo

Posted byAbPosted inADHD, adoption, Christmas, FASD, love, Parenting, wellbeingTags:, , , , , , , , ,

Christmas is a time for forgiveness and it is the kindest gift one could give and receive.

When we were having rough patches this fall with T – a part of the FASD parenting life – we met with our developmental pediatrician, who has been supporting T since he was 18 months.

In addition to adjusting his medication – mostly positive results so far – he suggested the idea of the redo.

It’s a simple premise: when T or the hubby and I have a bad moment, such as a tantrum or meltdown or less than ideal words are said, we let the moment pass and try it again from the top.

Writing Santa a letter the morning of Christmas Eve.

Lots of deep breaths and trial and error later, it is mostly working out nicely.

We even have T telling us sometimes that he’d like a redo after he has a moment.

Life is not perfect nor do we expect perfection in our wonderful chaotic parenting journey.

We try hard to remind ourselves it is the disability that wears us down, that we get upset with – not the child that tries his darned best everyday.

In hindsight, I attribute most of the rough patches this fall to changes in T’s medication and structures at school (e.g. his CYW support went from full time to part time; changes in daycare staff) and increased academic demands.

I am very proud of him and his progress and that he ended the fall term on a positive note.

T is obsessed with this obnoxious web series called Skidibi Toilet and our lovely Daddy found Skidibi Toilet wrapping paper for him. 💕😆

I’m not a religious person but I do believe in a Creator. I love the message behind Christmas, a symbolic time to forgive.

Forgiveness also extends to oneself.

I can be hard on T but I am the hardest on myself – the guilt and regret of not responding the best to a situation eat at me.

So it’s a kind and compelling message to receive that us parents can have a redo too.

I enjoyed reading fellow bloggers’ holiday updates and I’m happy to add we had a wonderful Christmas too (there are some not-so-happy updates, not involving T, that I’ll share later!).

We had Christmas Eve dinner at my uncle’s home and T enjoyed spending time with his Uncle J. He was disregulated at the end of the night, but that’s the beauty of the redo: tomorrow is a new day.

T got us up bright and early on Christmas Day to open gifts.

As I watched him open gifts, I thought what a blessed gift it is to experience life with the wonder of a child that still believes in Santa and the magic of the season.

43 thoughts on “The Gift of the Redo”

  2. It’s very sweet that T sometimes tells you that he’d like a redo and goes to show that this approach is working. It’s funny how we can be our own worst critic. I know I need to do a better job of letting things go. I’ve actually been listening to some Disney music with Margaret and “Let it Go” is a fan favourite (mostly of mine). Glad to hear you had a wonderful Christmas.

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  3. Wow! This is such a revelation. I had never thought of the concept of redo before, but it certainly is a brilliant one. There were moments where I wished I had reacted differently to things, and the realization of ‘why did I say that?’ or ‘I wish I could turn back time and say it in a nicer way’ often happened just seconds later. But I also think redo will only work when both sides are willing to do it. Happy holidays, Ab!

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    1. Thanks Bama. There are so many moments, I too, wish I could take back. It’s a wonderful premise that requires both sides to willing to give it a try.

      I hope you have a wonderful holidays.

      I am unexpectedly in your part of the world. I flew into Manila on Thursday because my mom is quite ill. At the hospital with her now. Very surreal to be unexpectedly here. Not how I wanted to spend new years and to ring in 2024 but such is life.

      I hope you have a more peaceful start to 2024!

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      1. Oh no. I hope your mom will recover soon. But as you said, such is life. It’s full of surprises, both good and bad. I hope 2024 will give you more of the former though.

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    1. Thanks Diane. T loved the wrapping paper. The hubby also found Skidibi Toilet pajamas for T which he’s wearing all the time now. 😆

      Forgiveness is a powerful healer, including for ourselves. 🙏

      Hope you and your family had a wonderful holidays Diane. All the best to you in the new year. 💕

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    1. Thank you, Ana! It’s such a wonderful concept that can work magic for anyone.

      Wishing you and your loved ones a happy new year full of blessings and adventures too!

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  8. I love the idea of a redo. I can be easy to feel overwhelmed and want to throw in the towel. Backing up and starting with a clean state seems like a much better way move forward.

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  10. The redo – what a great idea. I love your observation, “Life is not perfect nor do we expect perfection in our wonderful chaotic parenting journey.” Exactly. But we can keep trying and thank goodness for that. Glad you had a nice Christmas! Here’s to a wonderful holiday season!

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    1. Thanks Wynne. No more pursuits of perfection in this household – just soaking up the imperfectly happy moments. 😊🙏 This holiday season is just flying by but it has, for the most part, been a good one. And glad to see your family is experiencing a wonderful Christmas break together too!

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  11. I love the concept of the “redo”! You touched on some very important topics like forgiveness. When I speak, the one question asked the most is how can/did I forgive my mother?
    First of all it was my choice, but also I recognize that she too has a disability. I wouldn’t blame someone for having cancer or dementia, diabetes, etc. Mental illness is also a medical illness, but went undiagnosed in her time. Now I’m fortunate to have a redo at a healthy relationship with the good “person” I know my mom is & better understand her illness.
    I’m happy you all had a nice Christmas & that T seems to enjoy that he has the option for a redo. By the way, I hadn’t heard of that ? toilet cartoon. I’m going to have to check in with my 2 younger grandson’s, lol.

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    1. Thank you, Tammy. The relationship we have with our mothers can sure be interesting and I remember the stories you’ve shared in the last. I’m glad you two can have a redo as these positive moments are what you will remember and treasure in the long run. 🙏

      Hope you had a nice Christmas break too – and I wouldn’t be surprised if your grandsons know about it. All the young boys seem to know about this obnoxious show. 😆🤣

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  12. Ahh…the grace of a redo…and calling it when you know you need one. Cheers to T for the self awareness…and to your thoughtful pediatrician for the beautiful wisdom. Tomorrow IS a new day. Xo to all of you, Ab. Much love! ❤️

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  14. You guys are so wonderful!!! Sure, there are bumps in the road, but you are navigating around them, and keeping on down the road. Success will be realized when T grows into a healthy, happy adult. Meanwhile, give yourselves a pat on the back, for you’re doing a wonderful job of parenting!!! Christmas hugs to the three of you!!!

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    1. Thanks Jill. 😊 I sure hope you’re right about T’s future. There are days when I feel discouraged. I guess that’s why the idea of the redo is so powerful and I believe it helps us keep our eyes on the prize and the big picture.

      Hope you had a nice dinner with your friends. I bet they appreciated your feast and hard work.

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      1. T has a winning hand … two intelligent, caring parents who will go to any lengths to do what is right/best for him. How can he lose?

        We had a lovely meal with our friends … they made traditional Arabic dishes, we made traditional American dishes, and we all had full bellies and many laughs! Who could ask for anything more?

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      2. Thanks Jill. That is very kind.

        Your holiday get together meal sounded lovely. I’m glad you had that time together with good friends and food.

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  15. I can think of quite a few times that a redo would have been a great option and how awesome for T that he is already willing to embrace and use his own redo request!

    Love his letter to Santa but was he asking for a REAL monster truck? Just imagine if Santa had parked one right outside your house on Christmas morning 🙂 So cute that he asked for food and toys for the cat- I find that endearing that he was clearly thinking of others. What a kind boy you have Ab!

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      1. Thanks Erin. T can be a handful and challenging on some days, but moments like this letter, which he drafted all on his own, reminds me of who he is at his core. 💕🙏

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    2. Thanks Deb. I certainly could’ve used a redo from time to time too! 😊🙏

      And I like that you and Erin noticed the details in T’s letter. When we have a hard moment with T, it is good to remember who he is at his core and to focus on that. 💕🙏

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    1. Thanks Brian! 😊 It’s a wonderfully pragmatic advice and thankful to have received it. Hope you had nice Christmas with your family! 🎄

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