A Dream for Spring

Posted byAbPosted inParenting, FASD, gratitude, ADHD, growth mindset, adoption, wellbeingTags:, , , , ,

We’ve had a busy few weeks that culminated in a School Services Team (SST) meeting the past week.

The hubby and I both feel that T’s main teachers – he has two, who do half day each – don’t understand how to work with him.

It doesn’t help that he lost his CYW support in late September, after a strong start, nor do we have the most positive relationship with the new principal.

Kids pick up on energy and it’s no wonder T has had challenging moments, including disruptive behavior, the past few weeks.

In the fall, we provided consent for the school board to conduct a psychological assessment, because we felt the outcome could provide an additional tool to advocate for supports when T moves to middle school this fall.

The board psychologist was a pleasure to work with and she presented her findings at the SST meeting: T meets the criteria for a learning disability.

In case you’re wondering, here’s a primer on the difference between a learning disability and intellectual disability.

The crucial part of the assessment is that T has many wonderful strengths and the data supports him to continue in a regular classroom with supports.

This was wonderful, because the principal keeps pushing us to place T in an intensive support program, which we feel does not align with his learning profile, strengths and potential.

T’s tutor also agrees with the assessment.

I feel more strongly now that some administrators try to put kids into intensive programs, because they don’t know how to support kids like T, and try to take the path of least resistance.

And that does not sit well with me.

Our next step is to attend an Identification and Placement Review Committee meeting, where board staff will review T’s profile, hear from us then make a recommendation for T next year.

The psych assessment will be crucial data to support our advocacy for T at the IPRC.

So I feel positive for the Spring ahead.

After a long winter, it’s a beautiful weekend in our city. The sun is out and with double digit temperature, the giant piles of snow are melting.

I’ve made peace with the fact that T’s teachers are not going to jive with him.

So we’re focusing our energy to help T finish his year on a positive note and to prepare him for the big transition this fall.

There are many strengths and progress to build on.

T connects with his tutor, who supports and challenges him. He now reads grade-level novels.

T’s making awesome progress with swimming and having fun with soccer.

His disregulated moments are still brutal but I also see glimmers of emotional resilience and maturity.

T had his fourth monthly session with his psychologist on Friday. It was the first session that I felt him coming out of his shell. I heard loud table banging and thought it was going off the rails, but they were roleplaying and having fun.

Progress, not perfection, is all I dream of, hope for and strive for with T.

It is therapeutic hearing the stream of melted snow flow into the sewer.

56 thoughts on “A Dream for Spring”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about the challenges coming from the principal and T’s teachers. But it’s a good thing that you insisted on making them see it from the other side — one that is based on science nonetheless. In the end, you’re one of those parents who want the best for their kids, and when you know something might not work of course you have to make a point. I hope things will get better after the assessment!

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  2. 💖I also applaud your efforts to advocate for T and not let them railroad you into a more intensive classroom. A typical classroom with supports will help T learn to navigate the world through natural consequences and role models. At one point, when my son (who at 41 and has two master’s ) was in middle school, they convinced me to place him in an intensive math class due to his LD diagnosis. They were so persuasive that we eventually agreed – my friend, who was a substitute teacher, was asked to sub for that class. She called me immediately and said, “Get him out – he does not belong in this class.” I am so thankful for that. BTW, Alex’s 2nd master’s is in data and math-related stuff that I don’t understand, so you never know! Hold your ground!

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    1. Thanks Vickie for sharing your son’s story. Congrats to him and his proud parents for all his accomplishments.

      I definitely approach the school relationship with diplomacy and respect and have been so fortunate that most years have been positive. This year is a bit off a strange one, for reasons I’ll one day share. But his teachers – while nice people – are just not clicking with T and I’m just not vibing well with the principal. So to your point, yes, so important for parents to trust their instincts and to hold their ground. 🙏

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      1. i do hope you share down the road because so many of your readers gain so much from your experience and knowledge. We also had school years where it just didn’t gel….. and adult years too!

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    1. Thanks Gary. I know you understand. Our kids don’t fit in neat tidy boxes – and as such, neat tidy solution often forced upon the situation they face in the classroom are often ineffective. I don’t blame the teachers but rather a system that is increasingly defunded and streamlined as the real issue.

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  4. My daughter is a para for three kindergarten classed and every day she comes in from work wore out but usually with a funny story. My heart goes out to teacher for they cannot control the homes children comes out of yet must deal with the issues from a lot of dysfunctional homes. Parents face so much now days, usually the Mom has to work, TV, social medial, all kinds of things that was not there before it all. Just keep pushing for what is best for your child and be flexible.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story. I have tremendous empathy for teachers and school staff, especially in these days of post pandemic learning challenges, budget cuts and increased class sizes. Viewing it from the perspective of a caregiver, schools need more support staff for teachers , smaller class sizes and also training for teachers to help better equip them to support the emotional aspect of the job, including neurodiverse kids. I think my son’s teachers are lacking that this year and hence why we’re seeing these challenges.

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    1. Thanks Diane. It’s a frustrating situation but thankfully and truthfully, not as dire as it sounds. Knock on wood. We’re continuing to focus on strengths, progress… we’ll get T where he needs to be at his own time! 🙏

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      1. They don’t train enough teachers in this field. T has made so many accomplishments, mostly due to you and two. Parents can’t do it all and the schools need to do more.

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  7. Ugh, sorry to hear about the setbacks and roadblocks at school. Seems a bit ironic as that very institution is designed to foster student development. I applaud your efforts to advocate for T though. And it sounds like there are substantive arguments backed by the psychological assessment to keep T in a regular classroom setting. Hope it works out. Also just wanted to say that perfection is overrated anyway. And who even knows what perfection is!?

    Enjoy the rest of the week and safe travels to Mexico!

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    1. Thanks Linda. T is by no means an easy kid to manage but I always have to trust my spider senses with his teachers this year. Not malicious nor mean spirited but there’s a clear misalignment and disconnect in energy.

      We leave on Friday. Two more days of work and counting down the seconds! 🤣 Hope you have a good March Break too if you’re taking a break.

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  8. “Kids pick up on energy” — Oh, say it louder for the people in the back Ab. Ha, ha. You are so right. My ears perked up too when you wrote that you worry about T’s teachers not understanding how to work with him. Oh my goodness, that makes such a huge difference. You know this already, but trust your instincts!!!! You’re the best advocate for your son! Sending positive vibes your guys way!

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    1. Thanks Brian. I appreciate your kind encouragement, especially since I know you have a unique vantage point with your wife’s important work as a special education teacher.

      My son is not an easy kid to teach, nor do I excuse his challenging behaviour, but I also know when a teacher just doesn’t get it. It’s a delicate balance and exhausting to walk that fine line. But so important to keep trying! 🙏

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      1. My wife had the same response. Her comment was to get your wishes in writing (in the US in the child’s IEP) – that way you have everything documented. We saw the same thing you wrote about with our son who had learning challenges. I understand a different disability . . . but we still saw some teachers who were willing to put in the time and then others who wanted him pulled out. You know your child best. I’ve seen some parents deny that there’s anything wrong. You’re not doing that. You’re simply advocating as you should for T. It sounds like next fall will be a big transition year. I’m not an educator. I’m just a spouse and parent who’s watched from afar, but one bit of tactical advice I have is to try to schedule meetings with T’s teachers for next year early in the process . . . either late this year or very early in the school year. We found that by getting the dialogue going early got teachers and administrators focused and they realized that we wanted to work together and would not be pushed off or caught in the typical back to school calendar. It’s kind of odd to talk about an IEP the first week of school, but it actually makes a ton of sense. It’s the goals and plans for the child . . . why not start from the get-go. (Hopefully that makes sense. And it sounds like you’re already doing that.) I’m sorry for the rambling note, but I just wanted to say, “Hang in there. You guys are doing the right thing.” Every year brings something new and you guys are up to the task and then some. Plus, T’s a special kid. He’ll show ’em!!

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      2. Thanks Brian. I really appreciate your and your wife’s insights – and for sharing so openly about your son’s experiences. You get it!

        We also call them an IEP here and thankfully T has one. Whether it’s well followed depends on the year and teacher. 🤣

        Great advice on meeting with the school. The hubby and I met with the VP in January and she will be giving T a personalized tour later this Spring. We’ve been forthcoming with his needs and I hope the transparency will benefit T. Fingers crossed! 🙏

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  9. Ab, thank you for sharing this. I think many parents can relate to this experience. I can see how difficult it is when the people working with your child every day don’t fully see or understand who he is and what he’s capable of. Your advocacy for him is powerful and the love and commitment you have for T is always apparent in your writing.

    I appreciate that you share both the challenges of parenting and the many strengths and progress he’s making.

    T is fortunate to have parents who see him so clearly.

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    1. Thanks LaDonna. I appreciate your encouragement and I know you have a unique vantage point with your work supporting those with trauma. In a way, utero exposure to alcohol and meth is a trauma in itself and we’re seeing it play out as T get older.

      It takes a special teacher to get how to work with T and boy, do we hang onto them when we find them. And on the flip side, it is so challenging when we encounter teachers who just don’t get it.

      One step at a time! 🙏

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      1. I do understand this, Ab. I think finding support that is truly informed is difficult.

        I also do agree that in utero exposure is traumatizing to the baby. I know it is a path with lots of challenges for both the child and those who love and care for them.

        Your love and dedication to T always show in your writing. This is one of the reasons I look forward to your posts and insights.

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      2. Thanks LaDonna. I’m glad and thankful the blogging community allowed our paths to cross. 🥰 I learn a lot from your writing as well!

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  10. Ohhhh. Sending so much love. I know that path of ‘least resistance’…hoping parents will fall in line. I don’t know that any administators/decision-makers INTEND to be blockers and destructive but the net outcome for the child, the family? So many speed bumps and obstacles when you simply want to be heard. You know your child. When you used this phrase, Ab, “kids pick up on energy’ I thought of the additional challenges parents face as they’re advocating. Thoughtful, insightful children like T are very, very aware of subtle shifts and discord…maybe not full-on conflict but they’re in the middle and see/feel so much. Stay strong…stay vocal. I’m cheering for you! 💝💝💝

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    1. Thanks Vicki. I appreciate your nuanced take on this scenario. 😊 Totally agree that no teacher nor principal is intentionally out to get a child – and that we are also at the mercy of schools facing reduced budgets and resources and staff doing the best they can with increased pressures and class sizes. Nonetheless, the actions do result in harm to the child.

      The start of school and where T is now is night and day – and largely because of what happened with the loss of his CYW, which I still find so upsetting and painful to write about. I will one day.

      Teachers and principals need to see at the end of th day, their actions whether intended or not, do have impact on the child.

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  11. Sending you all the positive energy. It is really hard to find a perfect teacher who understands kids. Looks like you got a great tutor. Btw all these meetings do take a toll on you. Hope you are doing good.

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    1. Thanks Ganga. I’m loving that the time change means longer daylight but boy is it all tiring after all these endless meetings and appointments. It does feel like a toll is being continually taken! 🤣

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  12. I have to say that your instincts and insider knowledge of knowing your own child, are highly likely to be absolutely on target. based on what you’ve said here, the tutor’s input, and the psych assessment, all of these factors support your choices for T as well. sometimes the teachers in any given classroom or year, aren’t always the best fit, or fully understand a child, or don’t connect in a way that feels good for either side, and probably is what he’s sensing. luckily the year is over in a few months, and T has had other adults to support him through this year.

    it sounds like he is continuing to make progress in the right direction, in spite of any setbacks or challenging moments and learning how to self-regulate more frequently. what amazing progress he’s made with his reading, and it’s wonderful that he enjoys it!

    soon you’ll be able to plan for next year, and personally, I think it’s great that he’s a part of a mainstream population, who can model what to do in all kind of situations, with additional support as needed, as you’ve been doing. just my opinion –

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    1. Thanks Beth. I know you – and Pete Springer above – have a great vantage point having been teachers yourselves.

      I know T can be a handful and often creates situations that can be challenging for a teacher to manage, when they’re already juggling increased class sizes, more children with “issues,” and reduced resource supports.

      Nonetheless, it is the school’s responsibility to provide teachers with the supports to support the kids and I think the year has been a situation of T not finding the right fit with his teacher, and the added loss of his Child Youth Worker, which is still so upsetting to talk about for me.

      It’s concerning to me when I see comments like, “T needs to learn to regulate his emotions” and “learn to stay organized” in a report card when his medical diagnosis clearly communicates he needs help with regulation and executive functioning. It just signals to me the teacher doesn’t get it.

      I think you get it when I say I’m just focusing on next year and just gonna consider this year a write-off with regards trying to make it work with the teachers he’s with. Hopefully we can all laugh about this comedic mess of a year one day! 🤣

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      1. you’ve got it. one of my colleagues has a son who has had challenges throughout the years and after many tears and many talks, finally came to the point where they began to focus on ‘were they making progress, no matter how small? are they moving ahead in the social/emotional arena, in spite of falling back at times? am I offering them the support they need, with other people and time in addition to what they are getting in their classroom each year which will vary with teacher, their understanding of my child and how they approach learning and behaviors with them, the curriculum, the expectations, and the makeup of the class? and lastly, I’m not going to worry about letter grades, I’m going to read the narratives. told her child the same at a level they could understand, along with reminding them that everyone has challenges, not just them. changed everything.

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      2. Thanks Beth. I appreciate the added advice. Those hard-earned epiphanies, often through tears, make such a difference. I’m like that too and there are other metrics in life, beyond the letter grades, to guide our kids. It’s always comforting to know I’m not alone in this and neither is T. 🙏

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    1. Thanks Margie. And sorry for the triggering post. It is indeed painful and upsetting to write about. But nonetheless, setbacks are a part of this journey and rest assured – and I say this as a reminder to myself too 🤣 – there have also been so many positives this year too. And we’re gonna focus on leveraging them to work through the harder stuff. 🙏

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  15. As someone who worked in the school system for a long time, I hear what you are saying, Ab. Schools are imperfect places, with educators who bring varying degrees of talent and ability to the table. As you already know, many are wonderful while others leave a lot to be desired. Schools can’t legally do anything without your consent. Your role is to be the best advocate for T. Trust your gut when it comes to what you think is best for him, because you and your husband know him better than anyone. Hopefully, the school will support your wishes.

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    1. Thanks Pete. I knew you and Beth, below, would have a unique empathetic perspective from your many years as elementary school teachers.

      Please know that I know my son can be a handful and that schools are battling larger class sizes, more behavioural challenges and tighter budgets, so I empathize with the school too.

      I do draw the line when there’s a clear disconnect. Comments on his report card, like “He needs to learn to better regulate his emotions” when his disability includes regulation is discouraging.

      Nonetheless, in the big picture, this is a setback not a finality and with kind encouragement such as yours, we’ll get through them one step at a time. 😊

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  16. It has to be frustrating and upsetting the the people you want to put your trust in aren’t stepping up to do the job and recognize T’s capabilities. You three are a team, an excellent team, and with the help of those who understand and know T I’m sure things will fall into place and his next year will surely be better.

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    1. Thanks Deb. It is quite frustrating. The teachers are not malicious nor mean-spirited – thankfully – but the disconnect is challenging, because it impacts how T enjoys school and perceives his academic capability. I’m quite anxious about middle school but taking it a day at a time. 😊🙏

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  17. I’m sorry things are so tough, but I love your attitude: get through this school year with as much grace as possible, do what you can as parents at home to support T, and get geared up for a fresh start in the fall. My 7th grade teach (in a Catholic school) would always do a call and response: Let go and let God, Let God and let go. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is accept the situation and trust that things are playing out as they’re meant to. Hang in there, Ab, and enjoy the burgeoning spring! 🌷

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    1. Thanks Erin. I love the “let God and let go” mentality. It’s another way of saying radical acceptance, which has been a life changing shift in mindset for me. 🙏

      The Spring weather is finally here and snow has all melted. Yay!

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  18. Dang, that sounds like a bunch of tough factors affecting his education this year, Ab. But I love that you are playing chess with the school system – setting up the best play for the future while it sounds like they are playing checkers. You do it one step at a time and have such a thoughtful approach.

    You, Hubby and T are so resilient and aligned. I love it! Here’s to making the system work!

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    1. Thanks Wynne. It feels like dodge ball on some days but I like the chess analogy better! 😊 It really is about taking it a day at a time and sometimes, accepting that things are beyond our control and to focus on the things that we can control and influence. 🙏

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  19. Ughhhh! This brings me back to my struggles with my son Tyler (autism diagnosis) and the school system…My son – as most kids are energetically intuitive beyond what they can even communicate- unfortunately teachers burn out – give up – or don’t jive as you say with certain children.

    The biggest mistake I ever made (maybe I’ll post) was when Tyler was in 5th grade and he had such disdain for his teacher – but I kept blaming him for it. He wouldn’t look her in the eye – his body language was so “rude” to her so I thought, I even spent an afternoon in the classroom to see if I could gain some understanding.
    I needed up thinking it was just my sons poor attitude- well I was wrong.
    A very caring para professional approached me (risking her job) and told me that the teacher was continually unkind to my son.
    I felt horrible – and I had him transferred.
    You sound like you and your hubby are very involved and listening with open hearts 💖you are doing so good for this intuitive boy! And the world will benefit greatly 💖💖god bless

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    1. Thanks for sharing so openly about Tyler’s experience, Danielle. I’m sorry that it was so hard for him.

      It makes me sad and angry that this situation is one seen across classrooms around the world – lack of awareness nor supports to properly support and build up kids with invisible disabilities.

      It’s a good thing you were able to be hands on and observe him in the classroom and to get him transferred! 🙏

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