Regrouping: Finding Resilience in the Caregiving Journey

Posted byAbPosted inADHD, adoption, FASD, growth mindset, Parenting, Positive Parenting, Resiliency, schoolTags:, , , , ,

A subtraction worksheet drove me into a meltdown with our neurodiverse 10-year-old.

I had an early start to a typical Tuesday work day, followed by a two-hour evening meeting of a Family Advisory Council that I volunteer with. After the meeting, I was hungry, brain-dead and just wanted to crawl into bed.

But math homework with T awaited. It was past 8, nearing T’s bedtime and we were both done.

The work looked simple. Four 3 digit by 3 digit subtraction questions. T’s teacher wanted him to use base 10 blocks to explain how he used regrouping to complete the questions.

Base 10, what? Here they are, in case you were, like me, wondering what they are.

I didn’t have the mental reserves left to figure out whether these worked like Jenga or Tetris. This was not how I was taught subtraction and I figured that T had done 3 digit subtraction in Grade 3 and the work should be a cinch.

Nope.

It was like he was encountering this math for the first time.

My reaction could’ve been better. After 15 minutes of my boiling frustration and tears and blood-curling screams and swearing on T’s end, I put the work away and told him we were done.

I e-mailed his teacher to say that we did not finish the work and would have to try another day.

I did not sleep well – thinking about how frustrated I was that we were back at square one with concepts he had learned two grades ago. I also felt guilty that I reacted the way that I did.

Regrouping is a process in subtraction where you cannot subtract a smaller digit from a larger one and have to “borrow” from the column to the left.

Regrouping is also the action of reassembling, typically after being defeated.

With a few days of hindsight, I admit that I got defeated in the worst cringe-worthy, guilt-ridden, shame-inducing way.

Parenting a child with a disability, such as FASD, amplifies the difficulty, stress and exhaustion of caregiving.

There are many moments when I don’t have reserves to borrow from and so my responses are rarely my shining best.

Sometimes, the best response is to let things sit, set them aside and try again with a refueled tank.

The following evening, I reminded myself about how to regroup using base 10 blocks by watching a short YouTube video (see below).

It’s amazing how doable something looks when you’re rested and have a clear head. Oh yah, I’ve done this before, I realized.

I was able to explain the concept to T and worked through a question together with him.

I always tell teachers that T is a bright kid and picks up concepts quickly – if he’s able to focus.

T then worked through the other questions, no meltdowns nor tears, and got to enjoy tv time before bed as a reward.

His teacher sent home a worksheet for the weekend, which he worked through nicely this Sunday morning, after we slept in past 9 am.

I reminded myself that he had spent a whole summer not doing math, so this was also him regrouping on his past learnings.

He will pick it back up.

Part of regrouping means forgiving yourself.

If you’re a caregiver, special needs or otherwise, feeling like crap for how you handled a situation: let it go and start each day as a blank slate.

To clear my head after our Sunday homework, I exercised, ran errands, put away the laundry and dishes, and meal-prepped for the week.

Then I went biking with T. He left 10 minutes before me and when I arrived at the park, he was picking up garbage using a large plastic bag he found.

For the next hour, he walked around the park and filled up and emptied the bag into a large garbage bin three times.

“I want to protect the planet,” he said.

Watching him, with my hands in my device-free pockets, breathing in the fresh air and gazing at the trees start to change colours, was refueling.

This was a good day to regroup and to refuel for the inevitable moments in the week ahead when I will need to borrow from my reserves.

When we got home, T watched tv before dinner and I made a big batch of chicken soup.

47 thoughts on “Regrouping: Finding Resilience in the Caregiving Journey”

  4. I can SOOOOOOOOO relate to this. I home schooled my older kids for several years. There were books thrown. Several times. By me. My oldest couldn’t get the simplest math concepts in second grade. (Later, much later, discovered she’s autistic. Math is not her thing.) But I did eventually discover the “we’ll pick this back up later when we’re refreshed” trick. For some kids that means after sleep, for others it’s after food. This was a loooooong learning curve. My oldest is now 20. 😛

    I feel you, Ab! It’s okay! You’re doing great! We’re always learning, no matter our age! 😛

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    1. Thanks Betsy. 😊 Is this the true origin story of Jiu Jitsu for you? 🤣 I really appreciate you sharing more about your daughter and your struggles and your strategies to get through the harder moments. And of course, the kind encouraging words always help and are appreciated too!

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  8. Kudos to you for regrouping when you weren’t tired and you both could concentrate. That is wonderful T picked up other peoples trash to help keep our earth beautiful. When my daughter was in girl scouts they told the girls to always leave a place better than you found it, I never forgot those words. It sounds like you taught T the same thing.

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    1. Thanks Diane. 😊 T and I went trash picking again yesterday and he left out 4 large garbage bags in the park for people to add their trash too. He will see what they look like next week.

      Scouts is such a great experience! And I agree about the lesson they taught your daughter. We can do our part to make the world a better place. 🙏

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  9. This is brilliant, Ab! Regrouping – I love how you used the different meanings. I’ve never thought of it that way and it’s so good!

    And “There are many moments when I don’t have reserves to borrow from and so my responses are rarely my shining best.” Oh yes!! Me too. Isn’t it amazing how you can’t think when that happens?

    Love how you regrouped – so good! Thank you for this post! Hope you are having a great week!

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    1. Thanks Wynne. 😊 I know you would appreciate the different uses of a word’s meaning as you do it so skillfully with your stories.

      Self care and protecting our own energy is so important to get through life as a caregiver.

      We made it to Friday! It’s a day off school over here. Hooray! Have a nice weekend!

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  10. It is amazing how we’re able to think and approach things more clearly after getting some rest. A good reminder to try to let things go when you’re tired and to regroup when you have more energy. Glad to hear that you and T were able to figure it out and that T was able to work through his worksheet. No one is perfect and we all have meltdowns (even as an adult) or things we wish we could have handled things differently. But it’s moments like these that teach us things about ourselves. And they create laughable moments later on.

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    1. Thanks Linda. 😊 I know you can relate even more now as a parent. Sometimes, a little shuteye, if we’re lucky to get it, makes all the difference in what is possible!

      Hope you are all feeling better and on the mend from the cold! The early daycare years are germs filled as M builds her immunity. 😊 good luck and enjoy your week ahead!

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  11. I couldn’t agree more, sometimes regrouping is the healthiest thing to do, switch off and return to whatever it is at a later date with a fresh and rested mind…for anyone, any age 👍 😊

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  12. So powerful on so many levels, Ab…starting with the observation here:
    …”we were both done…”
    Timing, timing, timing and being aware of the ebb and flow of energy. Lessons I continue to learn. 💝

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  13. ab, I started crying, in a good way, when I read this. sometimes you just have to set things aside and not force them, it’s not going to happen. or it may, but it will probably put both of you off of whatever you are trying to master or just accomplish in that moment forever, and hate math moving ahead. you did what you needed to do. you set it aside and left it for another time.you let the teacher know it wasn’t going to happen right then, wouldn’t have been good for anyone, no one was going to learn in that situation and you could go back to it when ready. another great victory in my opinion. that math wasn’t going anywhere, it’s not going to melt away, it would still be there. math is not my love language in the first place and it always made me stressed just to think about learning new things in that arena, so I can identify on a low level.

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    1. Thanks Beth. 😊 I’m sorry I made you cry along with me, but glad yours were tears of joy; cuz mine sure weren’t. 😂 I think you said it best – nothing wrong with setting things aside for a day or two. It’ll be there again and probably easier to tackle with a clear head. I really appreciate your words of encouragement!

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  14. So much of this reflection is beautiful, Ab. The lesson about revisiting problems when well-rested, the analogy between regrouping in math and in life, T’s recognition of what he can do to help the planet, and your attempts to set aside a reserve of patience and resilience to face the week ahead. Keep up the great work–both of you! ☺️

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  15. Oh Ab, I can imagine the frustration! Having to re-learn something to do a task you already figured out how to and teaching it to a neurodiverse child when your energy has been depleted sounds like a nightmare. But I really like what you say about the best response is to let things sit, set them aside, and try again with a refueled tank — and this last one is particularly important. Doing so can definitely make a huge difference. We can’t be perfect — we will never be. But it’s the things we learn along the way that matter.

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  16. While maybe not the prettiest or productive a meltdown often will produce the clarity to see things in a new or different way. We do have to be kind to ourselves when chaos happens I think. You and T did just that Ab and came out the other side as better and more aware. Also, I remember seeing those cubes with my youngest grand. Had no idea what they were until she explained the concept to me!

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    1. Thanks Deb for the kind encouraging comment. 😊 The kindness with ourselves part is one I’m still working on in this ever-complex caregiving journey.

      It is interesting to re-experience school with our young ones and to see how concepts are taught in a different way. I do like these blocks, because they focus on the critical learning piece rather than by rote learning.

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    1. Thanks Ganga. 😊 Yes, sometimes it’s best to set things aside so cooler heads can later prevail! Thanks for the comment on his handwriting. I’ll have to pass that onto him!

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  18. Excellent analogy between math, life, and regrouping. It’s no surprise you both did better when you weren’t at the end of your day. Kudos for sending the teacher an email explaining the situation. Most teachers and other professionals will understand that you made the right choice.

    By the way, I’m sure you already know this, but there are plenty of parents who experience the same thing as you. Our school used to require students to do the Science Fair. This was mostly done at home between the child and the parent. It consistently stressed out many adults. After some discussion among the staff, we changed the policy so that students were given the option to choose between doing Science Fair or History Day projects.

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    1. Thanks Pete for the kind and encouraging comment. 😊 I do find myself both loving and not loving the concept of homework, depending on the mood at the end of the day. Thankfully, most teachers are reasonable when things don’t get done. 🙏

      I’m looking forward to the Science Fair project this year. We had one last year as well as a diorama project. You can imagine the heightened stress. 🤣

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  20. I can see how challenging it is to be a parent or caregiver with special needs, and I admire you, Ab. Applause for T for picking up trash. I love that he protects nature. All the best for his studies.

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