An overzealous adult crossed the line with our neurodiverse son and awoke the Papa Bear in me.
While waiting at the airport for our early morning flight home after our March Break trip a few weeks ago, T was disregulated.
He didn’t get a lot of sleep and he was short tempered, hyperactive and mouthy.
During these situations, the hubby and I try our best to ignore the behaviour, while fully aware all eyes and ears are on us.
We gave T fair warning that if he didn’t stop with the colourful language, which he would say out of frustration with the game he was playing, we would take his phone away.
And so we did. He got mad and started swearing loudly and smacked the hubby.
A woman sitting in front of us then yelled loudly at him, “Hey kid, this is not a playground!”
The hubby got up with T and they walked away to try to deescalate somewhere less crowded and noisy. As the hubby walked away, he told the woman, “Your comments are not helpful.”
The woman then looked at me in disbelief but instead of backing her, I said to her, “He has a disability and he is escalated right now.”
Then she snapped back, “I’ve fostered kids before so I know all about kids like this.”
I didn’t back down, because she should’ve known better then.
“His brain is on fire,” I said. “He is in fight or flight mode. I know these situations are hard for everyone – believe me, this is hardest for him. Comments like yours only add fuel to the fire.”
She saw I was not backing down, so she swiftly ended the conversation grumpily, “Well, you’re very tolerant.”
She then turned her body away from me and towards her travel companion next to her. She typed messages on her phone that she silently showed to her companion.
So I squared my shoulders and body towards her for the duration of the wait for the flight. Two can play the let’s-make-things-awkward game.
I was livid, because she crossed a line.
People can think what they want about T, judge silently or even speak to the hubby and I and tell us he’s being a brat or we’re being bad parents.
But to directly yell at him, when she was not part of the situation, was inappropriate.
I would never yell at someone else’s child when that child was not doing anything to me.
Reflecting on this situation a few weeks later reinforced to me that being a special needs parent is about taking a different path, one that is often counter to the path I took growing up.
As T grows up, he will face misunderstandings, intolerance and I know it will get harder, because people only see outwardly behaviour without understanding the underlying reasons.
It makes me sad and angry. But I am doing my best to redirect these feelings into something productive – awareness raising, advocacy and most importantly, standing up for my child.
The plane ride home had a few bumpy moments with T, but I didn’t care.
During a particular rough patch of turbulence, the pilot reminded us to fasten our seatbelts.
And that’s what life with T, a child with FASD, is about sometimes.
Fastening your seatbelt and landing on solid ground eventually – small patches of turbulence in a journey filled with wonder.
My Life With T 
I never understood people like that. It’s not her business and her comments are not helpful. It would have been so easy to just ignore her, but good for you for saying something. Hopefully she’ll think twice about doing something like that in the future.
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Thanks Linda. I agree about the unhelpful comments. I don’t blame her for being annoyed but the response crossed a line.
Hope you three are doing well. Enjoy the beautiful weekend ahead
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I don’t know how you kept your cool with that woman but kudos to you! How awful that must have been for T. If she cared for kids then she should have known to say something nice to T like “Did you have fun” or just say nothing at all. Your hubby did the right thing by walking away with T to keep him from being more upset. You two are the BEST parents! That picture is amazing, you should blow it up and frame it!
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Thanks Diane! It’s hard on some days with T as he can really test our patience. So I understand why the woman was annoyed. But she crossed a line by yelling directly at him. And I’m glad I spoke up. I would’ve been upset with myself if I didn’t.
And yes, I do love that photo. 🙂
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What a b*tch that woman was!!! You’re a bigger person than I would have been, for I would have told her to mind her own damn business! On another note … I love both the pictures in this post, Ab! That sunset in the top one is gorgeous, and it is such a joy to see you, the hubby, and T all together with smiles on your faces!
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Thanks Jill. I could understand why she was annoyed with T’s behaviour. What crossed the line for me was her directly yelling at a child rather than addressing it with the parents.
Yes, the photos make me wish we were still there. Seems like a lifetime ago. 😊
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I’m sorry for this unfortunate situation, Ab. When people think of a child with a disability, they would probably not picture someone like T, which I imagine often leads to the conclusion that he is a “naughty” kid, which is not helpful at all. It will take time to raise people’s awareness of FASD, but I’m glad you have taken the right steps toward educating the general public about it. Bless you, your husband, and T on the long journey ahead of you. It might be bumpy, but there will be rainbows and other beautiful things along the way.
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Thanks Bama. Thats the challenge with invisible disabilities. The symptoms are the outwardly behaviour and people make judgements without understanding the root cause.
This incident with the woman reminded me that so much more awareness and advocacy are needed. 🙏
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Hi Ab,
I am sorry you had to go through this situation.
I am learning a lot with you. I see kids being loud and misbehaving and I quickly assume that is bad parenting. Thank you for raising awareness and for making me pay more attention to my own behavior and assumptions. No one really knows what someone is going through, so we should always err on the side of more patience and understanding.
Blessings!
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Thanks Ana. I know you travel a lot and I’m sure you’ve seen more than your share of kids behaving wildly. I know how challenging and annoying this can be. So I hear ya on that part. But I also appreciate you being open to different possibilities for why a child gets disregulated. It’s hard for the parents and especially for the child.
Hope you have a nice week ahead and that auditing season will soon be behind you!
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I’m so sorry you had to deal with such ignorance and lack of empathy, but you not only handled it with grace and patience, but also advocated for T and others with invisible disabilities. Often times, that’s all we can do. I hope she’ll think twice about scolding someone else’s child in the future. I’m glad that you were able to handle that small patch of turbulence and, overall, enjoy the journey!
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Thank you Erin. It makes me sad and angry to think about how many children and adults with invisible disabilities are treated based on outwardly exhibited behaviour. I’m even more motivated now to continue to raise awareness and advocacy. 🙏💕
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You’re doing such important work, Ab, for T and others. Keep it up! 🙏💕
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She was not supposed to get involved. We may not have a T in our lives but this sure is good advice on how to handle life’s turbulences. I should learn to be more calm when under pressure, after reading this post. 😏
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Thanks Faith. We’re all human and don’t always respond with grace, myself included. Hopefully the woman will be more thoughtful and empathetic in a future situation. 🙏
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It’s unfortunate this lady didn’t handle the situation better (by minding her business) for one & especially since she claim to be a foster parent. Where was her patience & understanding. I agree though & love how you related the situation as a whole to a bit of turbulence. Great PMA Ab!
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Thank you Tammy. The hubby and I did wonder with amusement about her foster parenting experience based on how she directly and rudely approached T. Not a lot empathy on a world that needs more of it. 💕🙏
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I agree totally with what everyone else has written Ab, and will add my own heartfelt “I’m sorry” that the woman you encountered was certainly not educated…more like clueless and simply rude. You, and hubby, both handled things well.
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Thanks Deb. I appreciate the kindness. It made me both sad and angry and upon reflection a few weeks later, even more motivated to continue to raise awareness and advocacy. 💕🙏
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People are crazy Ab! No other way to describe it. Love when people like this woman act like they know, when they know nothing at all. Good for you in going Papa Bear mode. You guys handled it with grace, much better than I would have. Thanks for sharing and advocating for T. Hopefully others will read and learn. Thanks so much.
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Thanks Brian. I do empathize with this woman because I was irritated and flustered by T’s disregulation too. Where I draw the line though is in how she responded; could’ve approached the hubby and I. So yes, the Papa Bear was awoken. 😆😊
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Yes, talk with the parents, don’t approach the child, unless endangering himself or others. You go! Hope things have calmed.
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AB, I’m sorry you had to deal with an adult acting so inconsiderate. However, I’m glad you said something! Hopefully, this will deter her from doing something like this again! I hope you all are having a fun holiday weekend! 🎈☘️❤️
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Thanks Belle. It was a few weeks ago so I’m well over it but it certainly made me reflect on how these incidents will unfortunately be a reality as T gets older. It gives me motivation to keep raising awareness and advocacy.
Easter was great and hope you had a good one too. You must be almost done with the academic year too. It just flew by!
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Wow, if she had been well-informed, what an opportunity this would have been to commiserate. Her reaction makes me worry for the kids she cared for.
But I love that your reaction to this unfortunate situation is to continue to advocate for education and tolerance. You are making this world a better place – and being a great dad!
Happy Easter! XOXO
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I was thinking the same, Wynne. This could have been an opportunity for her to have a positive interaction, but she chose not to do so. It sounds like she truly does not understand at all.
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Thanks Belle. I don’t think she was willing to understand, which was shame as it could’ve been a good learning opportunity for all of us. But such is life. Not everyone we encounter will be a friendly face. 😆😊
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Unfortunately, this is true. But it’s worth the try. Hopefully, it at least gave her pause to think about her behavior!
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Thanks Wynne. The hubby and I did chuckle afterwards about how she fared as a foster parent but everyone is on their own journey.
I didn’t mind her annoyance and irritation, because I was feeling it with T too. But I did feel she could’ve addressed it with us, the parents, and not the child directly. That’s what pissed me off. 😆😊
Easter was lovely. I can’t believe the long weekend is almost over. Hope you had a good one with the kids!
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Everyone is on their own journey, Ab. What a generous way to look at it. And regardless of her level of knowledge, you are so right, she shouldn’t have talked to T!
Glad you had a good Easter! Sending great wishes for a wonderful April!
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I am so sorry, when will some people learn. I remember one time it really got to me and I apparently looked about to go Hulk Smash. Never seen a middle aged prat run out of a shop faster. Hope he learnt his lesson.
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Thanks Gary. I pegged you more as a Thor than a Hulk! And in situations like this, bringing down the lighting and wrath of Asgard would be warranted! 😆😊
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I’m so sorry about the insensitive woman. It’s enough to endure the nonsense from others when it’s just judging eyes. Unwelcome narratives and commentary from those who think they have insight? The least helpful behavior. Her “kids like this” ignorance comment spoke volumes. Sending big hugs and love – to you, the hubby and dear T. 💕
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Thanks Vicki. I don’t mind people judging because I would too if I didn’t know the context of T’s behaviour. I do feel her directly yelling at him was a line crossed that compelled me to speak up. 😆😊
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None of her business, and yes, you were very tolerant, but towards her…as usual you metaphors are spot on as is your parenting.
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Thanks Margie. You said it best. None of her business and I was surprised by my calm and tolerance. 😆😊
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