Our Adoption Journey: 10 Years Later

Posted byAbPosted inADHD, adoption, Family, FASD, fatherhood, love, ParentingTags:, , , , ,

On April 28, 2016 – seven years after we started our adoption journey – we received the call that we were matched with T.

I still remember that unexpected day: the hubby and I got an email from our social worker, who asked if we were free for a call that night.

We only heard from her sporadically by email if we had been shortlisted for a child. There were heartbreaking close calls and we eventually gave up and adopted two cats the prior summer.

My brain told me this was different but my heart told me to temper my expectations.

At around 7 pm, we were told that we were matched with not one, but two children. Not shortlisted but successfully matched.

It was a difficult choice and we didn’t have much time to decide – and our hearts led us to T.

On May 2, we met T for the first time, at the home of his foster parents, who took incredible great care of him in his first year of life.

It was love at first sight.

It was a whirlwind two weeks – of getting our home baby proofed and turning our guest room in our tiny condo into his bedroom, of notifying my work of an unexpected 30-week adoption leave, of sharing the news with loved ones.

On May 12, he moved in and we became a family.

Our first photo together.

The last 10 years are a blur.

Flashes of diaper changes, a turd in the bath, baby time and music therapy programs, walks in the park and hikes in the woods.

Adventures through building forts, camping, March Breaks in Mexico, summer roadtrips and visits to T’s grandparents’ in the East Coast.

The proud exhilaration of the many firsts: steps and dashes; words spoken, read and written; kindergarten and grade school; loss of baby teeth and the addition of braces; swim lessons.

The upcoming final days of Grade 5 and his seven-year stay at his primary school.

Our spare bedroom transformed into T’s bedroom. That was an intense weekend of prep work!

I’ve learned about life through the FASD caregiver journey.

When T was 3 and having a disregulated moment, and I was visibly struggling, a relative asked me if I regretted adoption.

I still quite viscerally remember how that statement made me feel.

I held back from saying what was on my mind and took the high road.

There’s no sugarcoating it: FASD is a challenging and lifelong disability.

Parenting T is not easy. We have many stressful moments. Each age and stage bring new challenges.

But I would do it all again.

So many hikes, so many memories.

Love does not cure a disability, but it gives fuel to keep going.

To try differently not harder.

To build a community of supports.

To speak up and demand better from bureaucracy when it feels uncomfortable to do so.

To focus on T’s many strengths and to believe in the emerging science around neuroplasticity.

I am thankful for our experiences and lessons.

I am a different person today – and our family has grown immeasurably.

But at the individual and collective core, it is anchored in love, laughter, adventure, and hope.

I’m grateful to God for the opportunity to be T’s Papa, to the loved ones and supports in our life, to the hubby for walking this journey together.

And to T. Out of billions of souls, he somehow found his way into our lives.

This seems just like yesterday, when his steps were still unsteady and needed support.

32 thoughts on “Our Adoption Journey: 10 Years Later”

  1. It’s been a decade! Thank you for sharing your beautiful journey raising T, Ab. The more I learn about your ups and downs with him, the more appreciative I become toward parents with kids, especially those with special needs. If anything, your stories teach us to have more compassion and love. Here’s to another decade filled with joy, laughter, lessons, and all the emotions that make us human!

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  2. It’s funny how the universe works sometimes – it took seven years to finally get matched and then go figure you get matched with two children. I burst out laughing at the mention of a turd in the bath. That’s something that’s still fresh in my mind. We actually have a song about that called “no turds in the tub”. Crazy how quickly the time flies. But it sounds like you’ve made a lot of memories along the way. And it’s pretty amazing how becoming a parent changes you. Have a wonderful weekend!

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    1. Thanks Linda. 😊 Just wait for the turd in the underwear. Those are messier and fun to clean up. 🤣 Parenting definitely changes us as people, as you know too well! Enjoy your weekend too. What a beautiful one!

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  5. Ab, I am speechless. Each line built goosebumps upon goosebumps and gave me all the feels. The call. The first picture together. The overnight nursery build. You have me in tears, Ab. This is such a beautiful retelling of all that has transpired and all the lessons learned along the way. You and your husband are such incredible parents, and T is the luckiest kid in the world to be guided by your love, patience, understanding, and support. 💗

    Also, as an aside, that’s incredible that you had access to a 30-week adoption leave. I wish that were available to all new parents.

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    1. Thank you Erin. It was nice to pause and reflect on April 28, something we do every year. But this one felt especially poignant.

      And yes, we’re very fortunate in Canada for good parental leave accommodations. It’s actually now 1 year, not 35 weeks (the hubby took the other 5 weeks to give me time to wrap up my stuff at work). It makes a big difference!

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  7. what patience and hope you began with in your journey to bring T into your lives. once you found out that he was coming to join you, you hit the ground running and welcomed him in to join you in becoming a family. this is such a loving, honest, and sweet post. my best to all of you -<3

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    1. Thanks Beth. 😊 7 years definitely felt like a long time but when it finally happened, it does feel like we’ve been running since. But thankfully for every moment and lesson. 🙏

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  8. Parenting can simultaneously be the hardest and most rewarding job. Though I’m sure you’ve had your share of challenging times, my bet is the good ones have dwarfed those hard ones. My understanding is that children are diagnosed with FASD between the ages of 2 and 5. The home you and your partner have provided T is proof that love and stability can change lives.

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    1. Thanks Pete. 😊 You are absolutely right. Most days are a nuanced spectrum of the good and the bad. But thankfully the rewards drawf the challenges.

      We are very fortunate to have know about FASD since T was young. Many kids don’t get diagnosed till their teens or even into adulthood and miss out on supports and the right accommodations and understanding. We are so lucky in this regard. 🙏

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  12. Thank you for sharing. When our son was three months, he was not making eye contact. We went to the doctor and learnt that he had Retinitis Pigmentosa . We have come a long way since. He is 42. He completed his Phd in 2016 in English Literature. He is an Assistant professor in the Centre for Humanities of the university. All the best .

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    1. Thank you Lakshmi for sharing your beautiful story. I’m glad to hear your son is doing well. What an impressive place he is now at – with thanks to his parents! 😊

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  14. Out of billions too, my second youngest nephew came into our lives by heart. We’re blessed. Having a disability, my love and hugs to T. We will focus our strength. Everything is possible with God. Stay amazing, Ab. Love, love, love!

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  15. This post is such a beautiful testimony to T and your family. You have all come a long way from that very first phone call.
    And I look forward to reading and learning from you as your beautiful journey continues ❤️
    ( once again this may be a duplicate- whenever I post from my phone there seems to be a glitch)

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  16. This post is such a beautiful testimony to T and your family.
    You have all come a long way from that first phone call!

    and I look forward to reading and learning from you as your beautiful journey continues ❤️

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  17. I love this Ab. What a beautiful journey with T. Sharing it to the world, acknowledging a little life as your own, making those adjustments while T is growing – these are the things a loving parent does. I admire you for it. A wonderful journey to your family.😘🪻💙

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