The Stories We Tell

Posted byAbPosted inADHD, adoption, FASD, gratitude, growth mindset, love, Parenting, self care, Toronto, wellbeingTags:, , , , , , , ,

Stories inform, inspire, and illuminate life’s complexities and contradictions.

Earlier this week, our team at work participated together in a learning and reflection activity to pay respect to National Truth and Reconciliation Day, which is observed on September 30.

We watched a short documentary that featured interviews with survivors of the residential school system.

My teammate who led the activity gave an important reminder: while residential schools are a dark part of Canadian history, there is more to Indigenous people – joy, light and a rich culture.

Stories matter. The stories we tell each other also matter.

I recently had the joyous opportunity to chat with authors Wynne Leon and Vicki Atkinson, the warm and good-hearted hosts of The Heart of the Matter podcast about writing as self care and advocacy.

Writing is something I’ve always enjoyed and found therapeutic.

While I studied journalism at Toronto Metropolitan University and freelanced for many years, life took me down a different path from writing, one I am blessed to be on.

Five years ago, I started this blog as a way to raise awareness about fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.

At the time, I was so pissed off about our school board’s shortsighted decision to cut T’s specialized kindergarten program.

This blog soon became a space to do my part to raise awareness, advocate and to candidly reflect about raising a child with great potential and a diagnosis of FASD.

One of the unexpected gifts was connecting with people around the world, including a food blogger who once worked as a case worker, an author raising a daughter with a rare chromosome depletion, a bereaved father in the UK of a wonderful autistic teenage boy, educators in Australia and Africa, and adults with lived experience shining their light to the world.

The rewarding moments are helping raise awareness, one person at a time, such as when a travel blogger from Indonesia let me know he shared with his mom about what FASD is and it made him think differently about unruly kids.

One of my earliest blogging friends was Wynne and it’s been fun to see our kids grow up in real time.

It was through Wynne I met the wonderful Heart of the Matter community, including Vicki, who writes compellingly, including about her sister Lisa.

It was a joy chatting with them both and we could’ve talked for hours.

It reminds me we’re all in this big, joyful and messy ball called life together.

It reminds me our stories are complex and that we are multi-dimensional.

T is not defined by a diagnosis nor do we live single-identity lives.

We have hard moments but we have many more moments of fun, joy, laughter and adventure.

As humans, it is convenient to put people into categories. I get it, we’re human and I am guilty of this too.

This is why the stigma of FASD can be so damaging.

On Friday night, after picking up T from daycare, I took him to Taco Bell to celebrate his perfect score on his spelling test.

I let him play on my phone while we waited for our order and he lost his cool when he lost his game. “Fuck you, bitch!” He screamed at the game loudly.

Yes, it was very inappropriate and I was quite embarrassed, but such is life with a kid who lacks impulse control and regulation, two symptoms of his disability.

As I continued to stand in line, an older woman came up to me and with a serious look, she asked, “Is he your son?”

Oh boy, here we go, I thought. “Yes, he is.”

“I want to talk to you about what happened.”

I had a long busy day at work and my mental and emotional reserves were spent, so my patience level was razor thin.

“I’m a social worker. Is your child autistic?”

“No, he has FASD.”

Her frown deepened.

“That was not ok what he did,” she said. “And if you don’t get a handle on it now, it’s going to get very hard for you one day.”

I cut her off, even thought she kept on going.

One of my triggers and pet peeves is unsolicited parenting advice. I have zero tolerance for it.

On the drive home, I was so upset and took it out on T by telling him about the encounter and reminded him this type of behaviour creates embarrassing situations for all of us.

T felt bad and burst into tears. He said he doesn’t know why he says those words out loud.

But we know why.

I felt really bad and burst into tears. I held his hand when the car stopped at a red light and I apologized for taking out my frustration on him.

I told him I wished it wasn’t so hard for him and that I know things can be hard for him.

It’s not his fault the world can be filled with judgment and misunderstanding.

This needs to change.

And we do it by sharing stories and changing minds and hearts, one person at a time.

33 thoughts on “The Stories We Tell”

  1. OH, AB! How did I miss this one? Thank you for the shout-out! I feel so blessed to have met you and Vicki; now I know Wynne. I just saved your post so I can listen to the podcast. I want to hear all your voices and wisdom. I learn so much from you because many of the stories you tell about T, also happen with my grandsons. Today, I was particularly touched by your apology to T – and WTF for a social worker to say that to you! It just shows that people know nothing, no matter their degree – Your friend Vickie

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    1. Thanks Vickie. It was a lot of fun being on the podcast. 😊 And yes, the social worker was a bit of a nut in hindsight but it’s just part of the joys and chaos of life sometimes. 😆 Happy Canadian Thanksgiving to you!

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  3. Wow, Ab! This podcast is amazing. I love learning more about you and the concept of self-care and processing thoughts and emotions through blogging. It’s so relatable to me. I’m grateful to finally hear your full story and see you in real time!

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    1. Thanks Stacy. It was a joy to get to be part of it. Self care is so important in daily life and I’m thankful that writing provides that for me and others such as yourself. 💕🙏

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    1. Thanks Faith! I’m glad you understand where he’s coming from. He’s probably like the unruly kid you have in your classroom. And I’m glad you better understand the tip of the iceberg now. 😊

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  6. Congrats on five years of blogging. It was fun to watch your discussion with Wynne and Vicki and learn more about why you started your blog and about T of course! I definitely know more about FASD, along with some helpful strategies and lessons in patience and parenting thanks to you. You’re an amazing writer, storyteller, husband and parent. Your stories have definitely changed my mind and heart. And I’m so glad our paths have crossed. One of these days we should grab a coffee when I’m back from maternity leave. I actually work close to Surrey Place.

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    1. Thanks Linda! I think we first started following each other the summer of 2020, around the time my family was doing the Northern Ontario roadtrip. I am so glad we got to meet on this wonderful world of blogging because I am always in awe and inspired by your travels. I thought for sure you’d slow down with a baby… nope. 😆

      I would absolutely love to grab coffee and meet up one day. I often work out of the Reference Library and it’s close enough to Surrey Place too! Did you take 18 months or 12? It seems to be flying by!

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      1. That’s right! I guess that’s one great thing that came out of the pandemic – we got to explore northern Ontario!

        I’m currently taking 12 months, but am planning to extend it by a few weeks. K is then going to take 20 weeks afterwards. We’re a bit worried about finding day care, so this gives us a bit more time. And yes, it’s wild how quickly the time has gone! I can’t believe M is already 9.5 months!

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      2. That’s great that K gets to enjoy some leave too. Finding daycare can be quite stressful but you’ll find one no doubt. Good luck! 👍

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  7. I admire what you do, even more, after hearing you talk on the podcast. You are the perfect person to advocate for FASD as you really grasp our attention. You will keep making a difference because of the way you communicate! If you do any more podcasts with them please post it. It was nice hearing your voice after all these years. I liked the mention of the food blogger too. 😉

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    1. Thank you, Diane. It was a joy doing the podcast. That means it’s your turn to do one now! I seriously think if you have time, you should do short cooking videos. It would complement your blog so well!

      I shared our blog connection because it was a wonderful example of how people can be brought together in seemingly unconnected ways, such as food, and yet find common ground, such as your work experience. I’m glad we met through blogging! 😊

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    1. Thank you Beth. It is so essential and as you know, it can also be so challenging. Today was one of those harder days at school so a good reminder to let the day go and to focus on the bigger picture and the love. 🙏💕

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    1. Thanks Deb. It can be so frustrating especially as I feel like it’s Groundhog Day with T, like today. But as you said, we try our best to remind him, and ourselves, that we’re a team. We succeed and we overcome challenges together. 🙏

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  10. Oh Ab, that Friday night when you were frustrated with what T said, and his reaction that he didn’t know why he said that, is a sobering reminder that FASD is a condition a lot of people still don’t know about, even those who have it. Your blog really is a tool to bring more awareness to the general public about FASD, and more importantly, to remind people, like me, not to judge others too quickly. I can’t thank you enough for writing your ups and downs raising T on this blog.

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    1. Thanks Bama. I shared our connection as an example of why it’s been a joy to blog. Because not only do I learn about other people and other parts of the world, but to also to raise awareness one person at a time. When you shared your sharing of T with your mom, it was very touching! 😊

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  13. Oh yeah, perfect spelling test!

    I love the stories you tell in this post – and by connecting the threads you so beautifully make the point about how interconnected we are.

    I’m so sorry for the Taco Bell spoiler. Telling our stories and raising awareness are so good to counterbalance people who want to opine without first understanding.

    Thank you so much for this beautiful post and the wonderful podcast conversation. So amazing!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. Thanks Wynne. I gotta focus on the positives when the moments get hard – and that spelling test was my crux that day! 😊

      The Taco Bell encounter really did come at an unfortunate time but the blessing of it was that it reinforces my point around the importance and power of telling stories.

      And thank you again for having me on your podcast. It was so fun and a few family and friends have reached out to me about it since I shared it! 😊

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  14. You wrap so much into your writing and reflections that it’s hard for me to choose one theme to respond to. I’ll just leave it by remarking at how your heart shines through in everything you write. You always leave me wanting to do my best for others, Ab. Keep the faith, you’re doing so well!

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    1. Thanks Jane. 😊 I do wear my heart on my sleeve, for better and for worse. We can all do our part to help others, even in small ways. And I’m glad you got that inspiration from the post, as I get inspired by yours and others too!

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