The Ring Bearer

Posted byAbPosted inFamily, love, ParentingTags:, , ,

A wedding and a death. One weekend. A young couple unite. A family bids farewell to its matriarch.

Ma would’ve celebrated her 85th birthday this week.

As T and I visited the cemetery last weekend, I thought about my unexpected journey two years ago, across the world from Toronto to Manila.

An emergency holiday visit to cheer up a mother grieving the loss of a daughter became 10 days of celebration, worry, and an unexpected goodbye.

Ma was in the hospital when I arrived, a few days after Christmas. She had a fall at my uncle’s home and was refusing to eat.

The surmountable situation took a turn when she got pneumonia and COVID and was moved to ICU.

In the background were New Years celebrations and the lead up to my cousin’s wedding.

40 years earlier, I was the ring bearer for my uncle’s wedding.

I was 3 and chickened out because I was scared. 😂 Thankfully, my cousin saw the task through.

40 years later, I was back at the same beautiful church; an unexpected guest at my cousin’s wedding, the youngest son of the same uncle, Ma’s youngest brother.

It was a joyful reunion of Ma’s six younger brothers and sister and their families – with gatherings leading up to the big day.

Delicious Filipino food at a family dinner the night before the wedding.
Fresh calamansi juice! 😋

Now that Pa and Ma are gone, I understand and appreciate the weight that caregivers bear for their children – often unspoken pressures and worry.

As we get older, there is a transition where roles reverse and we become the bearers for our parents.

That weekend, I bore the biggest decision I’ve had to make on Ma’s behalf.

After the wedding ceremony, Ma’s family hung out at a Starbucks before the dinner reception.

Ma’s siblings – uncles and aunts whom I looked up to all my life – and I had a family meeting. The eldest brother let me know that they support whatever decision I make: to take Ma off life support measures.

I felt in my heart that Ma was hanging on, because she didn’t want to ruin the wedding.

I also reminded them that Ma always said her biggest fear was to be suffering and intubated.

I had a corn beef pandesal, a local offering at Philippines Starbucks.
A dragonfruit chiller at Starbucks.

The dinner reception was lovely. Time spent with family over delicious food, gorgeous decor, and touching speeches.

It felt surreal to be away from my own family, the longest I’ve been away from T – and to celebrate this beautiful day, knowing that in a few hours, I’d be at the hospital making a hard decision.

The following morning, after verifying with the doctor that they were only prolonging the inevitable, I returned to ICU with my uncles.

Everyone had a moment to say goodbye to Ma, who was unconscious.

Another family had gathered in the space next to Ma’s, mourning their loved one, who had passed away a few minutes earlier.

I signed legal documents then took a moment to say my last goodbye to Ma.

Life is a circle and it was my turn to bear the weight for Ma; to represent her at my cousin’s wedding and to help her go in peace.

An illustration of a photo of Ma and T, which T placed in his room, on his bookshelf next to his clock.

At my cousin’s wedding, there was a little ring bearer who was carried down the aisle, screaming and crying, by his parent.

I smiled at him. “You’re doing great,” I said silently in my mind.

Being in this world without your parents is a strange feeling – the buck truly stops with you now; it feels both freeing and lonely.

I bear the hard weight now for T until he is old enough, one day hopefully, to carry the load.

It’s a reminder to enjoy his childhood and the gift of this short life and our loved ones that we’ve been so blessed to have.

49 thoughts on “The Ring Bearer”

  2. Ab, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your willingness and ability to navigate the sorrow and beauty of this time speak volumes.

    I am hopeful you find lots of time to reflect, gentle moments, and peace in the coming days. My genuine care is sent to you. ❤️

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  3. Ab, this such a thoughtful, beautiful post – so many lines that I wanted to reflect on but I chose this: “I bear the hard weight now for T until he is old enough, one day hopefully, to carry the load.”

    It really touched me – as did the whole story –

    Ahhh, the yin and yang of life….

    XOV

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    1. Thanks Vickie. I know you can relate to this being in the sandwich generation. It’s a weight I’m glad to bear (on most days). Just love this kid so much (when he’s not pissing me off)! 😊😆

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  4. Beautiful reflections here, and very close to my heart, with my dad’s passing and my mom’s advanced age. The cycles of life, and its meanings and memories are so powerful and forever lasting.

    I can feel the love and closeness of your family, similar to my own.

    Sending prayers and blessings!

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    1. Thanks Ana. Life crawls as a child but as an adult, it just flies by – especially when our parents age.

      Thanks for your kind words. Stay blessed as well! 💕😊

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  8. A wedding and a death – such a contrast in emotions and feelings. I’m glad you were able to be with your Ma at the end when her spirit passed from her body. The reversal of roles is something that’s been top of mind lately as K’s dad recently had had a couple of health setbacks. It’s a reality we’ll have to face and a reminder of the fragility of life. All we can do is try to enjoy the time we have with our loved ones.

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    1. I’m very sorry about K’s dad, Linda. It is a hard reality and I hope he’s doing ok in the grand scheme. Sending you all strength and love. 💕 And hope you’re keeping warm. It is ridiculously cold this week!

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      1. Thanks! He’s doing much better now and is in good spirits. My mother-in-law in such a trooper. I’m glad we live nearby so we can visit and help out every so often.

        Oh gosh, you’re right, it has been ridiculously freezing cold this week. Good luck with the snow tomorrow. I’m hoping for another snow day on Monday!

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  9. Your reflection here, Ab, feels like a heart song — a reminder that despite those pressures (spoken and not) in families, the joyful bits are ready to be recalled, along with the painful glimpses. All carried within…part of life’s complicated unfolding. Such a beautiful post. Thank you for inviting us in. Xo! ❤️

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    1. Thanks Vicki and I just love the phrase “heart song.” Thanks for always accepting the invitations and for extending many of your own too! 🥰

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  10. Wow, Ab, this is beautiful and struck a well deep inside of me. Rereading the story of visiting your Ma broke my heart all over again; however, I can recognize how far you’ve come and the ways you’ve processed the loss and made peace with this next chapter. This line in particular brought me to tears: “Life is a circle and it was my turn to bear the weight for Ma; to represent her at my cousin’s wedding and to help her go in peace.”

    That said, on a lighter note, the kicking and screaming ring bearer was the perfectly way to tie off the analogy. While we have the responsibility to bear the weight, it’s not always something we readily accept.

    Wishing you peace and joy this week, Ab. My grandmother passed 20 years ago and my mom still struggles, so I can understand, to some degree, what you must be feeling.

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    1. Thanks Erin. The metaphor of the ring bearer really stuck out at me as I reflected on this – and looked through my photos from that weekend – two years later. The little crying kid made me both chuckle and warmed my heart. He did better than I did 40 years ago! 😆 Hope you have a week of peace and joy as well. It’s been a fairly good one over here! 🙏

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  12. Such emotional and powerful passages of life. The loss of your mother and the wedding of the younger generation, both big changes. It must have been so hard having to make those decisions for your mother and I know that you made them out of pure love, just as you went to the wedding out of love to celebrate their love. You now, as a parent, have the precious opportunity to be the parent and be both the giver and recipient ❤️

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    1. Thanks Beth! It was a very surreal weekend, to experience the spectrum from celebration to mourning. It’s an important a reminder that the world moves on, regardless of whether you’re ready or not, and so it’s best to choose celebration, peace and love. 🥰

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  13. Celebrating the union of a happy couple and bidding farewell to a beloved matriarch in the span of just one week do sound surreal. I’m glad that you were able to be in Manila during your mom’s final days. I can imagine it must have been very hard to make the decision to take her off life support measures, but on the other hand you knew it was the right thing to do.

    “Being in this world without your parents is a strange feeling – the buck truly stops with you now; it feels both freeing and lonely.” I can confirm that this is also exactly how I feel.

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    1. Thanks Bama. I know you can relate having experienced a similar loss so recently. 😊

      Looking back at these 10 days, it was so surreal to have experienced the range of emotions and ultimately, I’m thankful I was there and to have been the one to make the final decision for my mom.

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  14. I suspect you had a very kind mother because you always carry yourself that way online. My mother, to this day, is the nicest person I’ve ever known. Long after our parents are gone, their lessons and the way that they carried themselves stick with us.

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    1. Thanks Pete. 😊 Yes, she was very kind and had many wonderful qualities. She could also be very short tempered. I have many of her qualities, good and challenging. 😆 Moms hold a very special place in our hearts and yours sounded wonderful as well. The lessons do truly stick with us and find a way of being passed down to our own children.

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  16. What a beautiful post, Ab. It’s hard for me to type through my tears but you have touched something so fundamental and real here about our roles through a lifetime. Sending you warm wishes as you celebrate and remember your mom on her birthday!

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    1. Thank you Wynne. 🥰 I know you can relate with your own experiences with your father. Thanks for the warm wishes. It is so cold here. 🤣 Hope you are feeling better!

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  17. What a beautiful reminder that life can be so very hard and also so very joyous in the same moments and hours. I remember facing those moments with my parents at the age my own children are now. I hope that I can make things easier for them by being open now and planning carefully so that they have less burden. I know you will prepare T as he gets older and that he will step up to be there for you Ab.

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    1. Thank you Deb. Life is a mix of everything and it’s such a gift to experience it all in its messiness. 😊 Knowing you from your writing, I know you will make it a seamless time for your kids – but hopefully not for a long long time still! 🙏

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    1. Thanks Michelle. Wow, 93! What a wonderful age and that bodes well for you and your children too. Wishing you all continued good health and time spent together. 😊 And yes, I hear you on our mothers caring for our ailing fathers. Those years have made a huge impression on me. 🙏

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  19. That must have been a surreal experience. It is always (or generally) difficult to lose a parent. It was good that you were surrounded by family. But You must be strong to have been able to step out of your grief to celebrate the wedding. 😟

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