A wedding and a death. One weekend. A young couple unite. A family bids farewell to its matriarch.
Ma would’ve celebrated her 85th birthday this week.
As T and I visited the cemetery last weekend, I thought about my unexpected journey two years ago, across the world from Toronto to Manila.
An emergency holiday visit to cheer up a mother grieving the loss of a daughter became 10 days of celebration, worry, and an unexpected goodbye.
Ma was in the hospital when I arrived, a few days after Christmas. She had a fall at my uncle’s home and was refusing to eat.
The surmountable situation took a turn when she got pneumonia and COVID and was moved to ICU.
In the background were New Years celebrations and the lead up to my cousin’s wedding.
40 years earlier, I was the ring bearer for my uncle’s wedding.
I was 3 and chickened out because I was scared. 😂 Thankfully, my cousin saw the task through.
40 years later, I was back at the same beautiful church; an unexpected guest at my cousin’s wedding, the youngest son of the same uncle, Ma’s youngest brother.
It was a joyful reunion of Ma’s six younger brothers and sister and their families – with gatherings leading up to the big day.
Now that Pa and Ma are gone, I understand and appreciate the weight that caregivers bear for their children – often unspoken pressures and worry.
As we get older, there is a transition where roles reverse and we become the bearers for our parents.
That weekend, I bore the biggest decision I’ve had to make on Ma’s behalf.
After the wedding ceremony, Ma’s family hung out at a Starbucks before the dinner reception.
Ma’s siblings – uncles and aunts whom I looked up to all my life – and I had a family meeting. The eldest brother let me know that they support whatever decision I make: to take Ma off life support measures.
I felt in my heart that Ma was hanging on, because she didn’t want to ruin the wedding.
I also reminded them that Ma always said her biggest fear was to be suffering and intubated.
The dinner reception was lovely. Time spent with family over delicious food, gorgeous decor, and touching speeches.
It felt surreal to be away from my own family, the longest I’ve been away from T – and to celebrate this beautiful day, knowing that in a few hours, I’d be at the hospital making a hard decision.
The following morning, after verifying with the doctor that they were only prolonging the inevitable, I returned to ICU with my uncles.
Everyone had a moment to say goodbye to Ma, who was unconscious.
Another family had gathered in the space next to Ma’s, mourning their loved one, who had passed away a few minutes earlier.
I signed legal documents then took a moment to say my last goodbye to Ma.
Life is a circle and it was my turn to bear the weight for Ma; to represent her at my cousin’s wedding and to help her go in peace.
At my cousin’s wedding, there was a little ring bearer who was carried down the aisle, screaming and crying, by his parent.
I smiled at him. “You’re doing great,” I said silently in my mind.
Being in this world without your parents is a strange feeling – the buck truly stops with you now; it feels both freeing and lonely.
I bear the hard weight now for T until he is old enough, one day hopefully, to carry the load.
It’s a reminder to enjoy his childhood and the gift of this short life and our loved ones that we’ve been so blessed to have.
My Life With T 
Such emotional and powerful passages of life. The loss of your mother and the wedding of the younger generation, both big changes. It must have been so hard having to make those decisions for your mother and I know that you made them out of pure love, just as you went to the wedding out of love to celebrate their love. You now, as a parent, have the precious opportunity to be the parent and be both the giver and recipient ❤️
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Celebrating the union of a happy couple and bidding farewell to a beloved matriarch in the span of just one week do sound surreal. I’m glad that you were able to be in Manila during your mom’s final days. I can imagine it must have been very hard to make the decision to take her off life support measures, but on the other hand you knew it was the right thing to do.
“Being in this world without your parents is a strange feeling – the buck truly stops with you now; it feels both freeing and lonely.” I can confirm that this is also exactly how I feel.
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I suspect you had a very kind mother because you always carry yourself that way online. My mother, to this day, is the nicest person I’ve ever known. Long after our parents are gone, their lessons and the way that they carried themselves stick with us.
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I’m sorry to hear about your mom, Ab. The role of a mother can be understood once a person becomes a parent, too. Hugs to you. You’ll always be a great parent to T.
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What a beautiful post, Ab. It’s hard for me to type through my tears but you have touched something so fundamental and real here about our roles through a lifetime. Sending you warm wishes as you celebrate and remember your mom on her birthday!
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What a beautiful reminder that life can be so very hard and also so very joyous in the same moments and hours. I remember facing those moments with my parents at the age my own children are now. I hope that I can make things easier for them by being open now and planning carefully so that they have less burden. I know you will prepare T as he gets older and that he will step up to be there for you Ab.
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Such a bittersweet memory for you, Ab. I’m blessed to still have my Mum with me. She’ll be 93 in a couple of weeks, but I remember how difficult it was to see my dad suffer and the burden of Mum caring for him.
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That must have been a surreal experience. It is always (or generally) difficult to lose a parent. It was good that you were surrounded by family. But You must be strong to have been able to step out of your grief to celebrate the wedding. 😟
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A heartfelt reminiscence of days gone by.😘
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