Playing the Cards You’re Dealt

Posted byAbPosted inADHD, adoption, FASD, growth mindset, Parenting, radical acceptanceTags:, , ,

Focusing on what you can control in challenging situations can lead to positive outcomes.

When I was in high school, I loved to play a card game called Big 2. Also called Chinese Poker, it has similar game play as poker; 2 is the highest card, followed by Ace, King, Queen, Jack then 10 to 3.

I will never forget one game with 3 friends when my hand of 13 cards had no power card and my highest card was a 10. I played with what I had and surprised myself with a win.

I thought about this game while I watched last week’s episode of the sitcom Abbott Elementary; the teachers set up a temporary school at a shuttered mall because their school closed due to an unexpected ruptured furnace.

In this imaginative start to a continuing story arc, the teachers turned an awful predicament into a magical situation for the kids. I mean, who wouldn’t love the idea of a mall school?!

Radical acceptance recognizes that while pain is part of life, by accepting the facts of reality, it can avoid turning pain into suffering.

I learned this term last fall and it describes how I try to approach life as a special needs caregiver.

There are facts I can’t control – FASD is lifelong; T has challenges with regulation, executive functioning, impulsivity and focus; judgment from others; T losing his longstanding CYW support.

I can focus on the cards in my hands: T’s many strengths; the champions within his school and our community; my ability to advocate and speak up.

I’m speaking from my lived experience and recognize that every experience is different.

Grieving is part of my journey. I experience sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger and worry when my house of cards comes tumbling down through setbacks and challenges.

I try to not get stuck in these moments and focus on what I can control. It allows me to move forward.

T learning to play “Nine Squares” with Grammy and Grandad. He won the first three games! 😂

Last Spring, T’s teacher let us know he was behind in his reading comprehension and was assessed at a Grade 2 level in his Grade 4 year.

I felt all those lovely feelings of I’m not doing enough.

The hubby and I looked into a tutor for T and Ms Karen has been a godsend.

She started T on chapter books last summer and yesterday, T finished the 20th and final book in the Bad Guys series, ahead of his March Break goal.

Ms Karen gave him a gift and told him he’s her first student to get a reward for finishing a reading goal.

Considering he wasn’t a reader a year ago, and still needs encouragement to do so, we’re very proud of T for reaching his milestone! 💕

There are many other things we still need to work on with and for T – the cards in our figurative hand that don’t come across as the strong cards.

But we’ll hopefully get there with persistence, patience, creativity and humour.

40 thoughts on “Playing the Cards You’re Dealt”

  1. Love your persistence, patience, creativity and humor. And if I would add resourcefulness to the list — you have an amazing ability to figure out the next right step to help. T s so lucky to have you as his parent!

    And your radical acceptance is so inspiring. Thanks for showing me how to lean in! Hope you have a great week, Ab!

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    1. Thanks Wynne. I think I appreciate blogging and the blogging community because it helps me reflect. It’s not always so neat, tidy and linear in reality. But I appreciate the gentle encouragement! 😊

      Radical acceptance – or whatever people call it in their own personal life – is so freeing. I’m glad I learned the term in the past year.

      Hope you’re feeling better. 1 school day down. 4 to go!

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  3. Oh my goodness…persistence, patience, creativity and humour…those words read (and feel) like a beautiful benediction…a blessing and intention. Sending loads of love to you, Ab. xo! 💝

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    1. Thanks Vicki! 🥰 They apply to so many areas of our lives, whether caregiving or writing or just being be. One day at a time. The love is always appreciated! 💕

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  4. Funny, I used to play a lot of card games in high school too. I’ve never heard of Big 2 before but looked up how to play. Sounds a lot like Rummy. I love how you’ve drawn parallels to T’s situation and a hand of cards. Things can be overwhelming and it’s an important reminder to try to refocus on the things inside your control and not to sweat the other stuff. Yay for T for reaching his reading milestone! Hope you’re surviving the snowstorm today!

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    1. I did wonder if you’ve come across this one. I think you need more than 2 players but otherwise something you and K could play in one of your cabin and cottage trips!

      Hope you three survived the snowstorm. It was one of my in office days and I was all dressed and they thankfully made the call to work from home 10 minutes before I was heading out for my bus. T enjoyed his snow day and I went for a walk with him in knee high snow at the park in the early evening. 🥰

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    1. Thanks Margie. The distinction was so fascinating to reflect on! Ms Karen has been a godsend. We started Diary of a Wimpy Kid this week and it’s been seriously great. I’m enjoying it in addition to him! 🥰

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  6. When I quit my first company and joined a people development consulting firm, I learned about locus of control as well as how to map how much we can control things in different situations. In general, in every challenge we can separate all the variables into three zones: those that we can control, those that are not in our control but we can influence, and those that are completely beyond our control. Focusing on the first two is key to moving forward, no matter how minuscule the step we take, despite everything. I know the journey as a special needs caregiver is not easy. But I’m glad that you focus on the things that you can control, because it can indeed lead to positive outcomes.

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    1. Oh Bama, I love learning new related concepts. Thanks for sharing the locus of control. This is a wonderful framework and mindset – not just for work but for life’s challenging moments. It also made me realize I know only a small fraction about you. You sound like you do interesting work! 😊

      Hope you enjoy your weekend! Lots of snow over here! 🤣

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      1. Well, since I left that company many years ago, I’ve been working in the financial industry. Mostly I do numbers these days, but whenever the opportunity arises, I always like sharing what I learned back then. A few years ago there was this internal sharing session in my current company about stress management, and they asked me to be the speaker. The interesting part was, when I was talking about how to manage stress, work was particularly very stressful at that moment! 🤣

        Thanks Ab! We have a long weekend here in Indonesia. But it’s also the peak of rainy season, so it’s very wet here. 😅 Enjoy your weekend too!

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      2. It’s great your company asked you to do the talk. They clearly recognize your ability and strong soft skills! Enjoy your long weekend – despite the rain!

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    1. Thanks Michelle. The distinction was an interesting one to reflect on. It’s important to validate our pain but to try and move on so that it does not become prolonged suffering. I’m so glad it was a lesson I learned through this ongoing journey! 🙏

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  8. You definitely shouldn’t beat yourself up over T reading at a lower grade. That is wonderful he got through all 20 books and wanted to. You are doing a great job. I heard Oprah say something that makes me think differently. She said if you are climbing a huge hill and keep looking forward to see how much more you have to climb can make it harder to get to the top. Instead of looking forward, every few minutes turn your head and look at how far you have come.

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    1. Thanks Diane. I love that Oprah quote. It’s a great mindset and approach to life. I think that’s what I find so therapeutic about blogging. It provides that moment to reflect and to turn my head back and realize how far we’ve come as a family. I really appreciate this encouragement! 😊

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  9. this is absolutely wonderful. as Kenny Rogers would sing, ‘you’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em’ and you are learning to do just that. T is learning to read by enjoying reading and Ms Karen is a gem who understands. when he finds something he wants to read, he wants to read. he learns as he goes. each child in their own time. their adults are the ones who lead them to the discovery of this. when people ask, ‘when will my child read?’ the answer is, ‘when they are ready,’ they show you, as you are seeing, each at their own pace. bravo, and you are learning to navigate a road that is never straight just as T is –

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    1. I wasn’t a big fan of country music growing up but I gotta say, it’s become quite appealing now as I discover people like Dolly and Kenny! You make such a good that so much of reading or kids and learning in general is about finding what interests them. And to recognize they will move at their own pace. I really appreciate the encouragement, Beth! 😊

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      1. I’ve never been a country fan either other than old Johnny cash. but I do like dolly as a person a lot and Kenny’s quote is used all the time here )

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  10. Thank you for the kind reminder Ab. I can be someone who wants to believe they can control most things. I think it helped me to feel some level of control as a child in a very dysfunctional family. I’m still learning to let things go. I hope you continue to see the positive focus and outcome of what is both controllable and what is not…and keep relying on the help and influence of others to raise your amazing boy.

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    1. Thanks Deb. I appreciate that insight. I think it helps explain some of the disregulated and defiant behaviour I see in T – a way of trying to exert control in the chaos. I’m sorry you have a dysfunctional family. Isn’t family grand? 🤣 It’s not always easy, but really focusing on what I can control helps me get through the chaos.

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    1. Thanks Hazel. A very good message to remember. 😊 By the way, one of his daycare teachers returned from a visit to the Philippines. He was gifted a box of Rosquillos. He loves them. 🤣 He has a little Philippines in him!

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      1. That sounds amazing. My niece and nephew love rosquillos, too. Just different name here, but the shape is the same of what they eat. I forgot the specific name of the food, but the looks is rosquillos. He hasn’t visit Philippines yet? You must bring T here. I think he loves our wonderland, too. My pleasure, Ab.

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  12. This is beautiful, Ab! Zooming out, I think we all face our own unique challenges in life, and our overcoming plays a big part in sharing who we become. Your entire family is learning, growing, and evolving.

    Go, T!! I was a very avid reader as a kid and I love hearing that T’s found a series that he can get excited about (or at least motivated enough to finish)! I hope he keeps it up. 😊

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    1. Thanks so much, Erin. I know you can relate and it certainly complements the message of your post from yesterday! 😊 I think being an avid reader is a great skill. T is not quite there but at least he’s reading with me now!

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      1. Everyone has to start someplace, and finding an fun series to get hooked on is a great start. And I bet, as T continues to develop his reading skills and confidence reading, he’ll enjoy it even more. 😊

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    1. Thanks Tammy. You’ll have to let me know how you like Big 2. It’s a very fun game. It’s been ages since I’ve played the game and I’ll have to give it another go! 😊 And yes, focusing on what we can control can reduce the stress in the chaos!

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  14. I love stories like this, Ab. I’ve seen many children change their attitudes about reading when they find a good series. I’m not familiar with the Bad Guys series, but the goal should always be to help your child develop a love for reading. The magic is that T’s reading comprehension will likely improve simply by reading more. Ms. Karen sounds like a gem. The reward, coupled with her encouraging words, will likely help him feel good about himself. Self-esteem is critical for any age, but especially for children.

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    1. Thanks Pete. These stories are the best and I know you’ve seen so many of them as a teacher. And I see these through my work in libraries. It’s even more rewarding when it’s my own child! 🥰 We started the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series last night. So far so good! 🙏

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