Finding A Big Brother Mentor for Our Neurodiverse Son

Posted byAbPosted inADHD, adoption, FASD, Fun, growth mindset, ParentingTags:, , , ,

This is a tale in two parts and one tail.

One of our goals for this school year is to help T build positive peer and social relationships.

These are often cited as challenges for individuals with FASD for reasons that include dysmaturity, regulation and impulsivity.

As kids with FASD get older, research has shown they often want to fit in and this could make them susceptible to negative influence.

I can see this emerge in T. His teacher and CYW tell us he is well-liked in school but maintaining friendships can be a challenge.

So we want to get ahead of these issues.

On a school night in late November, we welcomed a volunteer from a dog therapy organization whom we first met at a family event in 2023.

I had reached out to the coordinator to see if T could be matched with a mentor for monthly visits.

The young volunteer lived nearby and he has a young Yorkie named Rocket.

This visit to our home was a test run to see what the chemistry would be like between T and Rocket.

The hour-long visit started off well with T calmly playing and petting the dog.

As the hour progressed, T got increasingly excited and tried to get Rocket to chase him, and the poor pup withdrew and became quiet.

We could tell this was going to be a one-time visit and sure enough, the coordinator let us know a few days later she will look for a different match.

I shared a few suggestions: find a dog that is calm tempered to contrast T, weekend visits as T is often “done” at the end of a school day, shorter visits, and if possible, find an FASD-aware volunteer.

Such is the life of special needs caregiving. You try things – some work, some don’t – and you move on.

In early December, the hubby, T and I met with a coordinator from Big Brothers Big Sisters, a leading mentorship organization for youth 9-17.

I had submitted an application at the suggestion of T’s CYW and we were asked to come for an in-person intake meeting.

It was the end of a school day and T was a bit testy but I didn’t mind, because it was good for the coordinator to see T’s entire self.

He started by interviewing T for 30 minutes.

He asked T if he knew what a mentor was going to do with him.

T replied, “He’s going to spend time with me, so I don’t have to bother my parents.” 😂

He also asked about T’s interests and T maintained his endearing candor.

Favourite school subjects: “Math and recess.”

Most important people to him. He pointed at the hubby and I. 💕

The coordinator then interviewed the hubby and I in another room, while T played by himself.

We spoke frankly about our hopes and goals and the ideal mentor, including someone who is FASD aware.

At the end of the interview, we went back to the other room and T had tidied it up on his own.

What a nice impression to leave off on.

A week later, we completed a mandatory online orientation session and were then advised we are officially accepted into the program!

And now, we wait for T to be matched with a mentor, which could take a few months to a year.

Ideally, we can begin the mentorship during T’s Grade 5 year this September, which will be his final year in his present school, the pivotal transition to middle school.

If we are matched, we would commit to a one-year mentorship and T would meet independently with the mentor for two hours every week.

These initiatives take a lot of admin work and can feel draining to do on top of work and our other extra curricular activities.

But the hubby and I see the value of mentorship on T’s longterm development and it’s why we persist, experiment and hope for the best.

T participating at a horse therapy program hosted by Surrey Place’s FASD Caregivers Program at the CARD Stables in late November. The owner said T has noticeably improved since his first visit the year prior.

Photo at top: T playing with a new kid at a horse therapy program organized by Surrey Place in late November.

34 thoughts on “Finding A Big Brother Mentor for Our Neurodiverse Son”

  1. My name is Scott Perretz. i have a 22 year old autistic son. Jake is very capable,and functions on a 2nd-3rd grade level. He is verbal. he is very sensitive and loving. He attends 2 programs during the week:

    Music for Life

    Endeavor 21

    he does art,jewelry making,yogas,spacial dynamics,music,guitar,drums,theatre,etc…

    All he wants is to “hang out” on the weekend evenings{like 4:00-7:00 or 5:00-8:00…like 3-4 hours…with a male big brother type. I am looking for this type of perso…one that can be a companion/friend.

    can you please call me {845-729-6486 } or email me @ sperretz@ehpdirect.com

    i am looking for tis person for as soon as possible.

    thank you,

    Scott Perretz

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    1. Thank you for reaching out Scott. It’s nice to meet and learn more about Jake. I will send you an email to your address this weekend with some suggestions you may consider looking into. All the best and take care.

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  2. “He’s going to spend time with me, so I don’t have to bother my parents.” Hahaha.

    So great you got accepted into the program. What a bummer it takes so long. When I was reading about the dog, I was thinking about horses, so I’m glad you have a horse therapy program near you. There’s one out here for women rescued from trafficking rings. So incredibly sad that that’s needed. But I’m glad it’s so beneficial.

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    1. Yes, when he said that I had to laugh at his frankness. 😆

      We’re thrilled he’s in the program now and now we wait for an ideal match. 🙏 The horse therapy program is amazing and I’m very thankful we have that as an option. And that’s amazing you have such a program for such a worthwhile (and yes, sad) cause too. 🙏

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  3. You will find the perfect mentor Ab. It may take time but it will happen. I’m so happy for T to be accepted into the program. I took my adult autistic lady to a horse place down the road from me that does the same thing. I got my client to groom the horses but we couldn’t get my client on the horse after weeks of trying so I talked with her adviser and parents and we all agreed we could use her budget money better somewhere else. The horse place said kids do very well with the horses and that the horse knows they are special. I think I was the first one to bring her an adult.

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    1. Thanks Diane. I appreciate the supportive and encouraging words. We’re not in too urgent of a rush right now but ideally we have a mentor in place for his middle school years where I think it will be more challenging and with less academic supports available too.

      Horse therapy really is quite amazing. I find it counterintuitive and always thought horses wouldn’t do well with that energy but you’re right, they know.

      I consider you as a mentor too and it really is quite amazing that we were connected on WordPress through our shared love of cooking and food! It was meant to be!

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    1. Thanks Gary. Therapy dogs are quite amazing. If it weren’t for our two cats, we would look into a dog for T. I have a soft spot for goldens and labs. But alas, maybe when he’s a little older.

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  5. It’s too bad it didn’t work out with Rocket. Hopefully they’re able to find a better match. Dog therapy sounds like a wonderful idea. Same with Big Brothers Big Sisters. Glad to hear you guys were accepted into the program. And now begins the waiting game for a match. You’re right, these initiatives do take a lot of work, but it’s so worth it!

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  7. This sounds like a wonderful piece to add for T. ❤️Big Brothers and Sisters is very good program. I like the way you are approaching this for T and the careful approach you are talking to ensure a good quality of fit. ❤️

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    1. Thanks LaDonna. It was a wonderful suggestion from his child youth worker. Fingers crossed we get matched with an ideal mentor soon! 😊

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  8. As I was reading your reply, I realize we have had the dog conversation before! And we will probably have it again 😂. But yeah, it would be hard with the cats.
    I will look into dodo – I also like following those sites
    HNY!

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  9. This is a great opportunity for T, and I am looking forward to reading more about it. Will a dog be involved in the new mentorship or just humans 😉 I loved that T cleaned up without being told! By the way, my daughter just rescued a 3-year-old dog that I believe could keep up with T’s energy level!!! I am always in awe of all the opportunities that you and your hubby give T – He is a lucky guy! V

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    1. Thanks Vickie! We think about and are often tempted to get T a dog but we have two cats who barely get attention already and it just wouldn’t be fair to them. Maybe when he’s older and our cats have moved on. A golden retriever or a dog with a similar temperament would be great for T.

      Congrats on your daughter’s rescue! I love rescue stories. 😊 Dodo is one of my favourite social media accounts for their heartwarming animal rescue stories.

      Hope you’re settling into the new year well!

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  10. What I love about all this is that both you and your husband are also learning along the way. (I have seen how some parents tell their children to learn things as they grow up, but the adults themselves don’t.) Oh T’s candid answers are always so endearing! Good luck with the journey on finding a mentor, despite the amount of admin work you have to deal with.

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    1. Thanks Bama! 😊 Every day is a learning opportunity, sometimes unintended. 😆 Hopefully we are matched with an ideal mentor soon! And hope you’re settling into the new year well too!

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  11. I love your consistent willingness to try things to find a good fit. That’s fantastic about the Big Brother’s program. The horse therapy program looks great too. Incredible guides provided by loving parents. T is a lucky young man!

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    1. Thanks Wynne! All we can do is try and we are so fortunate to have many services in our area that we can tap into. Fingers crossed we get matched with an ideal mentor soon. 🙏😊

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  13. This is so promising and the first false start was a chance for you to learn what kind of mentor you do and don’t need, so no harm, no foul. Now you’ve stated exactly what you feel is important in a mentor for T, and while it might take a little bit of time, it will be worth it to have a good match. Glad you could be very honest with them, and they with you. I’ve known a couple of male friends who have down this and it truly has been wonderful –

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    1. Thanks Beth! It was an excellent suggestion from his child youth worker who’s supported him since grade 2. And I agree that false starts are good to give us a flavour of what we want or don’t want. We have optimistic hopes for this program and fingers crossed we get matched with an ideal mentor soon! 😊

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  14. Oh my goodness! Super exciting! I’m a big fan of Best Buddies and Big Brothers/Sisters and this is gonna be great for T. Thanks for sharing. I love his candor — and spontaneous tidying up! Way to make a great impression. 🥰

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    1. Thanks Vicki. If anything, we can always count on his candor! 😆 It helps set the expectation correctly with the intake coordinator. Fingers crossed we get matched with an ideal mentor soon!

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