Grit, resilience and work ethic are wonderful lessons I learned from Ma.
I thought about times she demonstrated them during my recent unexpected visit to the Philippines, as she battled for her life.
At 15, she left her home in the province to move to the city in Manila to attend university – working tutoring jobs to support herself and her 7 siblings.
She grew up poor and during hard days, she’d turn on the tap to sip water to fill her hungry tummy.
Growing up in Manila, I rarely saw Ma as she worked two jobs – as a school principal during the day and a journalist for the Chinese newspaper on evenings and weekends – to meet ends meet.
When I was 8, my family immigrated to Canada and my parents gave up a life they loved so that my sister and I could get a chance at a better life.
In Canada, Ma was the sole provider.
When I was 15, I came home one day and learned she quit her job, which she hated. For two years, she kept us going through tutoring work, while she took a training program for a bank teller job.
In her 50s, she started work as a teller. It was low paying, but she kept our family afloat and saved very hard to buy a home.
In her late 60s, she retired when Pa fell ill and took good care of him until his death.
When she had her stroke in 2020, she told me at the hospital that she was a fighter and was going to survive. And she did.
Through her example, I developed my own work ethic, perseverance and determination – qualities I hope to pass down to T.
When I arrived in Manila, I knew it was my turn to help Ma fight.
She was hospitalized for a fall. Medically, it was surmountable; but she was struggling with grief for my sister’s death. She had no will to get better.
During the four days I visited her, I saw the depth of her grief. She apologized out loud to my sister and prayed to join her and Pa.
No parent should outlive their child and I saw in my 20s how Pa crumbled after the death of my elder sister and I was seeing it again two decades later with Ma.
On New Years Day, she took a turn for the worse when she got pneumonia and was moved to ICU.
She was also under nourished, as she was refusing to eat, and the doctor asked for my consent to intubate her for tube feeding.
Being intubated was Ma’s worst nightmare but I consented to give her a fighting chance.
My uncles and aunt waited outside her room as they didn’t want to see the process.
I stayed with Ma and held her hands while the nurse inserted the tube up her nostril, down her throat into her stomach – having to try five times.
I cried silently as I watched this happen.
Later that evening, Ma tested positive for COVID. Not only was her condition critical but we could no longer visit her per COVID protocols.
The following morning, the doctor asked for my consent to intubate Ma for machine-assisted breathing as she could no longer maintain life-sustaining oxygen levels on her own.
I consented to give her a fighting chance.
Knowing when to let go and stop fighting was the last lesson Ma taught me.
Last Sunday, on my last day in Manila, the doctor asked for my consent to surgically add a tube through Ma’s neck so they could intravenously give her medication, as it was no longer possible to do so using her bruised veins.
I had a frank discussion the day prior with all Ma’s siblings and based on our chat, I asked the doctor if these efforts were only prolonging the inevitable.
He sadly said yes.
I took a deep breath and told him we would like to let Ma go peacefully, as this was what she would’ve wanted.
The hospital allowed my family to say goodbye in person – and I was joined by her brothers and two of my cousins.
We were not allowed to go inside her room and had to stand outside, one at a time, and look in through a window.
It was very surreal for me to watch Ma, the strongest person I’ve ever known, look so weak and attached to machines and heavily intubated.
Her eyes opened a few short times and while the nurses said she was not alert, I believe in my heart that she knew I was there. When we made brief eye contact, her hands weakly lifted from her bed.
In the room next to Ma, the patient had gone into cardiac arrest and doctors were applying chest compressions, to no avail, to resuscitate them.
As I said my final goodbye to Ma, the other patient’s family gathered inside to mourn their loved one.
I found the moment incredibly surreal – almost like an out of body experience – and it reminded me that life is fragile and moves on all around us.
Nine days earlier, I flew into Manila at sunrise and I flew out at sunset.
During the 15-hour flight home, I thought how surreal and sad it was that I was going to be the only one left in my first family.
I thought about how much I missed the hubby and T – and that I wanted to be with them when the inevitable sad news arrived.
I thought about how hard the decision I had to make was, but that it was also the best decision for Ma, who was a very pragmatic person, and I felt very thankful I got to see her and say goodbye.
I arrived back home on Sunday evening.
Ma passed away the following morning.
My Life With T 
I am so sorry for your loss. I felt your pain through the screen. As a fellow grief-stricken mom, I appreciated how your mom faced her journey with such strength. It was truly inspiring. Your photo together radiates her warmth. That line about “knowing when to let go and stop fighting” resonated deeply – what a powerful final lesson. The image of you flying into Manila at sunrise and flying out at sunset beautifully captures the bittersweet cycle of life and loss. Thank you for your honest and heartfelt blog post. 🤍
LikeLike
Thank you for your kind comments. I am very sorry about your own grief journey. Loss is so hard. 😔 For me, I take great comfort in the happy memories and I hope yours bring you comfort too.
LikeLike
I’m very sorry for your loss my friend…we are never “really ready” for how it feels when one passes. I hope the healing process is kind for you – love and prayers from here. 💖💖
LikeLike
Thank you, Danielle. It was an unexpected and very hard loss. The healing process has thus far been very kind. 😊🙏
LikeLike
I’m so sorry for your loss (or rather series of losses really). Your Ma was such a hard worker and very much prioritzed her family. I can see where you get your work ethic and motivation from. Her memory and spirit will continue to live on through you and the lessons you pass along to T. Wishing you and your family all the best during this incredibly difficult time.
LikeLike
Thanks Linda. She was a wonderful role model for us. 😊 It’s been difficult for sure but also a joy to reminisce.
Hope you and the family are doing well and getting sleep!
LikeLike
I am so sorry about this incredible loss. I am glad that you had a chance to say goodbye.
You made such a hard decision, but nonetheless, it was the best decision.
May you find comfort in the beautiful memories of being raised by such a strong woman!
Sending prayers, blessings and hugs to you!
LikeLike
Thank you Ana. It’s almost been two weeks and I still feel quite sad about it. But the memories definitely bring warm comfort. 😊🙏
LikeLike
Ab, your Ma was exceptional. From her career choices and changes when she knew it was time regardless of age , to supporting your family and choosing family first each time, to surviving the loss of two children- an extraordinary woman. From your writing, I see her lessons of family are deeply ingrained in you.
My heart goes out for your loss may your Ma’s memory always be a blessing. With deepest sympathy, Vickie
LikeLike
Thank you Vickie. I’m still quite sad about it and during some moments, it doesn’t feel right like it’s happened. But I take great comfort in hearing from her friends and former colleagues and see what an incredible difference and impression she has made in their lives. 😊
LikeLike
Gosh 😣 this is super sad. So sorry for the loss. My condolences.
LikeLike
Thank you Faith. It’s been a sad and surreal week for sure. 🙏
LikeLike
Thinking of you my friend 🙏
LikeLike
Thank you Gary. 🙏
LikeLike
A beautiful epitaph for an admirable human being, your mother.
You made a brave and dignified decision in your mother’s spirit.
May you find peace and comfort in your memories of your mother.
All the best to you, Ab!
Hanna
LikeLike
Thank you Hanna. It was a very hard decision but the right one for my Ma. We’re sad she’s gone but glad she is no longer in pain. 🙏
LikeLike
Oh Ab, I’m so sorry to learn of your mother’s passing. The words you shared about her here shows she was an amazing woman and I feel a connection to her. Anyone who had the pleasure of meeting a woman like her is very fortunate. I’m sending you & the family the tightest of hugs my friend!
LikeLike
Thank you Tammy. She was very loved and admired and we were blessed to have known her. 😊🙏
LikeLike
My condolences to you and family 🙏🙏🙏
LikeLike
Thank you Serena. 🙏
LikeLike
Oh Ab I am so sorry for your loss. What a strong wonderful Ma you had growing up and in the end. She knew you were there and I’m so glad you were able to be there in her last hours. My heart is breaking for you Ab. I am praying that you, hubby and T can get through this difficult time.
LikeLike
Thanks Diane. It’s been a hard week for sure but I know we will get through this difficult time together. 🙏
LikeLike
I’m in tears. I’m so sorry for your loss, Ab. Your decision not to prolong the inevitable reminds me of the same decision my mom made when my father’s condition only worsened. It sounds like your mom was truly a strong woman. That memory as well as the lessons she taught you will certainly be cherished forever. May you find comfort in your husband, T, friends and family during this difficult time.
LikeLike
Thanks Bama. It was a hard decision but ultimately the right one to make. She was indeed a very strong woman and the memories will last when the sadness goes away. 😊🙏
LikeLike
Oh Ab … I am so very sorry, but not at all surprised. My heart goes out to you, for it is a tough thing to do, and I have told my family the same … I value quality of life more than quantity, and when the time comes that I have finished, just let me go. Hugs from afar, my friend.
LikeLike
Thanks Jill. It has been a tough week. You said it best about letting me when the quality of life is no longer there. It’s what she would’ve wanted and as hard as it was to make the decision, it was the right one to make. 🙏
LikeLike
My deepest condolences, Ab. Sending love to you and your family. Your mother was amazingly strong. And she obviously passed that down to you. I can’t imagine what a difficult decision that was for you but it was the right one.
LikeLike
Thank you Caitlyn. The decision was very hard and one I keep thinking about but as you said, it was the right one to make. 🙏
LikeLike
Oh, Ab, I’m in tears. What a beautiful woman and what an amazing tribute. I’m so sorry for your loss. May you all feel her near as you celebrate her life and fighting spirit. And may you all feel the gifts of strength and love she’s given you for the rest of yours days! Sending my warmest condolences.
LikeLike
Thanks Wynne. It has been a sad and hard past week and trying to take it a day at a time. I agree with your kind words that as the sadness fades, we’ll have the happy memories left.
LikeLike
Oh, Ab, my heart just breaks for you. You went through so much this past year 💔
LikeLike
Thanks Margie. It really has been such a hard past while but also filled with many happy moments and periods too. And that’s what we’ll try to focus on as we step forward into the new year. 🙏
LikeLike
❤️
LikeLike
I am so sorry for your loss, Ab. Your Ma sounds like such an incredible, strong, and caring person. May her legacy live on in your heart and inspire your actions. What a gift it was for you to have that opportunity to say goodbye. You and your family will be in my prayers. Sending a big hug your way. ❤️
LikeLike
Thank you Erin. It’s been a sad and surreal week and trying to take it a day a time. And you said it best, very thankful I had the opportunity to see her and say goodbye.
LikeLike
❤️❤️❤️
LikeLike
My heart goes out to you, everyone in your family and everyone who had the privilege to know your Ma. What a woman of fight and courage and drive. A woman to be respected and cherished always Ab. My love and some big virtual hugs to you.
LikeLike
Thank you Deb. It’s been a surreal and sad past week and trying to take it a day at a time. 😊🙏
LikeLike